ARE WOMEN'S GAINS MEN'S LOSSES? (continued) So, here we all are eyeing each other as adversaries, and often playing gender politics when what we really want is to create a plan together to do it differently. That means looking stereotypes and double binds square in the face.
Stereotypes - you know, men take charge, women take care. Women are emotional, men are rational. Women are warm, men are tough. Women are sensitive, men are strong. Women are friendly, men are ambitious and on and on.
Now please, don't be fooled. Men are as caught in the stereotypes as we are, we're just, well "more emotional" than they are - at least some of us are.
Stereotypes are the invisible tentacles that wrap around us and eventually paralyze creativity and collaboration.
Double binds, that's when you can't win no matter what you do. The proverbial "damned if you do, damned if you don't" syndrome.
We as women are caught in some great double binds such as:
- If you are feminine you are not really competent and to be competent you must "think like a man"
- Uterus/brain dilemma
You cannot conceive children and great ideas at the same time
And then there are the men's double binds:
- Real men don't cry - so instead they get ulcers and heart attacks
- Men are decisive and competent - so any man who is contemplative is less than good
These double binds - can't win no matter what we do come from stereotypes we have learned to live with. We have learned to normalize the abnormal.
In fact, research done by The Catalyst Institute cites stereotypes as the top barrier for women leaders to advance at work.
Stereotypes and the stalemate of double binds can ensnare our lives. So the first thing we must do is what all real leaders have done in times of change. Get quiet and observe. Then we can begin to decode our stereotypes and prejudices and move beyond them.
A Vice President of Marketing who went through our Total Leadership ConnectionsTM program relates the following story:
"As the only woman on the senior leadership team I held back my tears when tensions would flair, until one day they spilled over like a too full pitcher of water. John, the head of scientific research looked at me and mumbled just loud enough "Typical. She can't handle the pressure."
What I did was apologize and promise it wouldn't happen again.
The senior team remained starched and proper. No change, no growth. Until one day I showed a new way of leading!
John, the same man who had complained, announced in an even keeled, well you know, manly way that his wife had been diagnosed with cancer. There were whispered tones of "sorry" or "tough break."
I could feel my heart beating strongly. I was just ready to be "one of the boys" and respond with a whispered "sorry" when I found my voice and asked John what I could do to help. John gave his stoic "Nothing thanks" and then I found my zone.
Somewhere between compassion and strength I talked, ok maybe a minute or two about my own bout with breast cancer before I joined this organization. I had never mentioned it to anyone because I thought it would weaken my position with the guys.
I told the men I knew they were uncomfortable, and that was really okay.
I continued not caring if I was viewed as a weak woman. The room was at attention, all eyes on me as I turned to John and said "Work is more than numbers or medical discoveries or patents. Work is about us helping each other and I'm here if you need me."
"It's not about men or women or minorities as much as it's about the willingness to risk telling the truth without blame or judgment. I became the stereotype of the hard core corporate executive until I really looked at my patterns as a pleaser and as a rescuer. They had been programmed into me long before I had my first job. By observing, decoding and transforming the pleaser in me became the truth teller and the rescuer morphed into a mentor. Then I could really make a difference at work."
We are at the vanguard of a new liberation movement - We've had the civil rights movement, women's movement, green movement - and they have all lead us to reframe what is just and what is possible.
This can be called the partnership movement or the dialogue movement or the systems movement. And, because we, as women, are so hormonally and neurologically wired to see, think and feel relationships, we are positioned to take the lead. We can help our male colleagues see whole new vistas with fresh eyes, we can ask the questions that make us look at our old patterns and unexamined assumption and say "There has to be a better way."
We can be the catalysts, we are ready to transform the cultural patterns that have boxed us - let's take the pleaser in all of us and transform her into the truth teller and the rescuer into the mentor.
Rather than complain about the boys club or start yet another women's group, let's invite the guys into a new, more vital dialogue.
How does change start? One question, one action, one observation at a time.
We can look to our past to understand the present - men were the hunters / women the gatherers. In the play "Defending the Caveman", that's been around for decades, Rob Becker came up with some great insights.
- Ever watch a man shop. He needs a shirt, it has to be blue. He goes to the shirt counter, pounces on a blue shirt in his size. Takes out his credit card and he's gone - a hunter.
- Now a woman needs a blouse. She touches it, looks at the various colors and more than likely will buy two or three - a gatherer.
- Men watch television by blocking out everything else - kids crying, a pot boiling over, the telephone ringing - they concentrate on what is in front of them - yup, a hunter.
- Women will channel surf, get information about many things before they stop at one point - they need info on the weather, state of the nation, new cooking or stock tips - gatherer.
There are real differences. Instead of judging men according to our own gender based standards, it is time to recognize the differences and accept them without hostile judgment.
As women we are ready to take the lead and move past polarization to dialogue and get results through relationships.
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