...so when Harvard Business Review (December 2007) asked him to talk about workplace relationships, he balked; as a scientist who uses hard data and mathematical analysis, he refused to draw conclusions about workplace relationships based on his couples research.

    That's too bad, because those of us who facilitate Total Leadership Connections or work with organizations have personally observed how the same issues he has researched with couples play out in the workplace. We have seen how the patterns that come from our families of origin, the cultures we grew up in, and the crises that have occurred during our lifetimes show up in work relationships.

    Despite his unwillingness to make the leap from marriage to workplace relationships, much of what Gottman has discovered makes sense and is in concert with CEO's beliefs. He notes that "having a conflict-free relationship does not mean having a happy one. There are conflicts that you absolutely must have because to give in is to give up some of your personality." That sounds a lot like what CEO says about telling your truth to those with whom you have important relationships. In fact, Gottman says that "repair is the sine qua non of relationships, so everybody needs to know how to process those regrettable moments." Certainly, a key tenet of the CEO philosophy is the need to speak the truth to our significant others — at home and in the workplace — in a way that they can truly hear us.

    Gottman also talks about the importance of establishing connections with others, at home and in the workplace. Something as simple as asking a coworker "How's little Harry doing?" or saying to the boss "How was your weekend?" — workplace versions of Gottman's "small moments of attachment" — can send a message that you value the person as a human being. He recommends that people always look for the positive in each other — ways to say "yes" within a relationship. He concludes the HBR interview by warning against the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse-criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. [These are] the best predictors of breakup or continued misery." Telling the truth in four sentences, as CEO advocates, is the best way to stay away from those horsemen.

    Gottman may not be comfortable applying research results from his "LoveLab" to the workplace, but we at CEO know that these principles work for any relationship. If leaders will follow them and be the models for others to emulate, you can be sure the organization will "feel the love" right down to its bottom line.