Business and Life Patterns Archives

Common Destructive Behavior Patterns That Can Drive You NUTS, at Work, at Home, Everywhere (and what to do about them)

Sylvia Lafair
November 3, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia.

I hate to complain, but my boss is driving me totally crazy. He is smart and knows the science behind what we do, however, as a leader he is just plain awful.

For example, He is always telling us how great he is, how many awards he has won, about how much people adore him.

Yet, when it comes to making decisions about big picture future endeavors, he shoots from the hip not based on any of the stats that are right in front of him. He does not ask for feedback, and without using these words, says “my way or the highway.”

I’m ready to leave.

Problem is, I love the products we have and I love making people healthy and happy. I left out the type of products our company manufactures since we are such a known brand.

My guess is, that these braggart leaders who ignore the facts are a dime a dozen.

The big question is: what can I do before I give up and get out?

Signed,

Still Hopeful

Dear Still Hopeful,

Think about your business leader and would you vote for her or him if you had the choice to choose?

Of course not.

Let’s look at the man you just discussed. You just said he is annoying and always talking about how great he is, yet not willing to use data to drive decisions.

These are behaviors that can become super frustrating and make you want to run and hide, or worse, leave a company you love.

He sounds like a combination of a super achiever and a denier. That’s a combination filled with destructive possibilities.

It’s the type of person who is willing to drive the fastest race car on a winding road without guardrails.

That’s a way of behaving that could lead to an ugly crash. I see why you don’t want to continue in the speeding auto with him.

Where are all the normal, healthy people, you ask?

Yes, he was good at his prior job. However, as a leader he sucks.

If he would only accept feedback and look the facts in the face, maybe there is a chance he would change.

The bad news is:

Every workplace is filled with disappointments like your boss or some version of him.

There is the leader who never stops complaining or the hotshot newbie who is always talking about her past successes or the guy with the bad jokes who takes up so much air time at meetings.

In fact, haven’t you found that there are so many different personality characteristics that drive you nuts at one time or another? These frustrations are understandable. The big question, however, is why do some people behave in ways that hit your hot buttons, and what can be done about it?

And then there are times you have to look in your own mirror and ask, “Why do I always respond to braggarts or whiners in such a negative way?”

Here are the 13 most annoying and common patterns that show up at work, at home, everywhere. You will see your boss or direct report or maybe the woman who just joined who never shuts up about her ideas… You may see your mother-in-law who judges everything or your sister who was always attempting to make you look foolish. And, maybe, you will see a part of yourself.

The good news is:

These patterns of behavior are real. This is good news? Yes, once you recognize them you can do something about them. You can transform them to flip to the other side, the positive side. You can begin to change how you respond and maybe even help someone else change how they look at what is really going on past superficial reactions

The first order of business is to observe them:

Super Achiever – must win at all costs
Rebel – can’t accept any authority
Procrastinator – won’t finish anything
Clown – reduces everything to a joke
Persecutor – bullies people into misery
Victim – too scared to take any action
Rescuer – demands to be the big hero
Drama Queen/King – makes emotional scenes
Martyr – does everyone else’s work
Pleaser – says what folks want to hear
Avoider – dodges work and responsibility
Denier – won’t face problems directly
Splitter – secretly sets up the conflict

There are ways to cope with people who fit these patterns. Better yet, there are ways to go beyond coping and help them transform into more productive ways of responding.

I don’t want you to think this is an instant fix. It is not.

Changing behavior in anything beyond a superficial way requires discipline, time, and commitment. However, it is possible to make change happen once you look back at where the patterns started. And when you do, the rewards are amazing – more honest communication, better relationships, optimized teamwork, better financial results, and the deep fulfillment that comes with living a more authentic life.

Emotional intelligence is important and becoming pattern aware is the next layer of 21st Century leadership development.

I suggest you set up a strategy session with one of our Pattern Breakthrough Coaches before you give up and get out.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

P.S. You would also benefit from reading my award-winning book “Don’t Bring It to Work” for more information and ways to make change happen effectively

P.S.S You may also want to consider signing up for my online program Stress Busters that goes into detail about the patterns and what to do so you can move from chaotic to calm.

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns

Elections, Families and Victor Frankenstein

Sylvia Lafair
October 21, 2020

Watching all the back and forth, division and blaming, fear, and concern about this election got me thinking.

Not long ago, on Twitter, someone posted “Whoever goes to the White House will bring along many others with their personal baggage.”

There was no claim as to who would win the election or who they would bring with them. Just a less than 280-character bit of information to think about.

Got me thinking.

Thinking about how this most vital job, being President of the United States, is a great place to analyze the model of how businesses, small and large are so similar. And the fact that we all, each of us brings baggage from our history into the workplace, that is unless we have done enough personal work to observe, understand, and transform patterns from the past, we will play them out, often to the detriment of the business and our colleagues.

The whole concept of “office politics” is about positioning to be in the right place at the right time. It’s about favorites and gossip and backbiting and betrayal and hurts and fear and hopes and possibilities.

It’s about the baggage from the past and how it plays into the present time.

So, the Twitter person was correct.

Everyone will bring some old baggage into the White House. The question is, how much and what to do with it.

I must admit later in that evening, sick of listening to the pundits, I was looking for a way to forget about all the election issues boiling over. I decided to take a break into the film world of fantasy.

I watched Victor Frankenstein simply looking for a diversion. Based on Mary Shelley’s 1818 novel it has been done many times with the most creative being Young Frankenstein produced by Mel Brooks.

The film I watched will not win any Academy Award. However, there is a fascinating link connecting personal baggage with one of the candidates who traveled the road to the White House and wants four more years.

All Presidents are both great and awful, depending on your perspective.

However, rarely do we look at the underbelly of what drives people to seek this highest job in our country, in the world.

I sat mesmerized as I watched a film that seemed to have so many connections to what is going on right here and right now with the man who is presently in office and wanting four more years.

Here is a synopsis of the movie:

Young Victor, a brilliant physician, is driven by the need to atone for his indirect role in the death of his older brother who was set upon by a domineering father. It becomes clear that the “monster” Victor created is to be his most important contribution to science and absolve him from his guilt. The monster is just that, a monster doing damage and must be destroyed. At the end, at the last minute, Victor apologizes for all the suffering he caused and retreats to the countryside in search of new (hopefully positive) discoveries.

I must add, that Victor Frankenstein almost destroyed the world he was the leader of and it was only something (today it might be COVID) that kept him from his final destructive act.

The film has a contemporary flair in showing how vital it is to search inside yourself so that when opportunities occur on your road to your success you can travel with less old baggage.

What if all leaders had the courage to look at old ingrained patterns that repeat and repeat? What if all leaders were required to observe, understand, and transform outdated and unresolved behaviors before they caused damage?

Perhaps anyone who runs for high office should have to show us a certificate of completion of personal growth work before their name is even on a ballot.

I don’t know personally if the President is still making up for the pain of his childhood. I can only observe from afar. So many authors and professionals think that maybe the case including his niece, Mary Trump, who has her own grievances to contend with in her book “Too Much and Never Enough.”

It is worth a read.

As an executive coach, I have been amazed about how many in leadership are playing out old, outdated, family patterns at work.

One example is a man who became CEO of a large, multi-national company that kept making changes every six months until the senior staff was exhausted.

When I finally asked him why there was so much constant change and told him his leaders were exhausted from the upheaval, he replied, without missing a beat “I grew up in a family with a really crazy mother and we kept changing where we lived in less than a year. We did this time and time again and it made me resourceful in finding how to navigate new schools and new friends all the time. I believe, this will be good for our organization and will help the senior executives grow as I grew in tough circumstances.”

It was not until almost all on his senior team were ready to resign that he finally “got” that what happened to him as a child was not the essence of how to run a business.

I’m sure many of you have stories of bosses who were working out their personal issues in the workplace. I’d love to hear those stories.

I’d also love to hear your thoughts on leaders you have worked with or know who have taken the time to do a deep dive into their personal past and the results.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

Ps. I think you might enjoy my award winning book… Don’t Bring it to Work. Get your copy here.

Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

I’m Not Pattern Blind

Sylvia Lafair
September 30, 2020
Leadership, Patterns

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I’ve heard you talk about “Pattern Blindness” in the same sentence as “Speaking the Unspeakable.” Can you say more, please?

Here is my issue. I am beyond frustrated and stressed with my boss who is always saying the same things over and over. He loves to talk about himself and brag about all his successes.

And yes, the business is a success and I am well paid.

However, he’s definitely blind to his patterns.

Then when there is a problem it gets blamed on the first person who is in view.

Sadly, that is me, the guy who does most of the work and gets all the calls late at night.

I guess we play into each other’s patterns because I have not ever, and that means in 6 years, ever spoken the unspeakable (that when he starts the blame game, he drives me nuts and I keep thinking I will quit this damn job and never talk with him again).

I just smile, stuff my upset, and fix his messes.

I guess I’m not pattern blind, since I see what I am doing.

What do I need to learn to do to “speak the unspeakable?”

Signed,

Need HELP

Dear Need HELP,

Glad you can see the issue at hand. Here are some thoughts about what really matters in leadership development and executive education.

Becoming Pattern Aware is important and is relatively easy to learn. Just take the Leadership Quiz to see where you have behaviors that need to change. Here is a link to the quiz.

Learning to “speak the unspeakable” is probably the most complex issue of working together and one of the most vital parts of emotional intelligence.

When we were little kids, we had to be trained OUT of saying exactly what we saw, heard, or felt.

If you thought your uncle looked funny with his shiny bald head (before it became fashionable) and you pointed and laughed, most likely you were shushed and told that was not polite.

Or when your mom was looking sad and you asked, “What’s the matter?” and you were told, “Oh nothing, and don’t ask again.” Yet, you saw her wiping tears when she thought no one was looking. And you asked again and heard “I’m FINE!” and like most kids, you decided to stuff your feelings and play the family game of “Let’s Pretend.”

I think that social media is giving many folks an outlet for speaking the unspeakable. However, they are still usually NOT talking directly to the one who is driving them crazy.

Question: What do you say to your boss?

Here is a suggestion. Tell him how you are feeling. Do not, I repeat, do not tell him what a “pattern blind” jerk he is.

Here are some thoughts that may help.

“I really respect your success (you said he brags about successes, so start there) and I am glad we work so well together most of the time and the business is so successful. (and that is your truth).

However, my nature is to say “yes” whenever you need extra help and sometimes, I really want to say, “not now” and I really have to get better at speaking my truth.

So, when I do speak the truth to you and if it is upsetting, let’s talk about it. Cause right now I’m looking at how to make relationships at work be the best they can be and my relationship with you really matters.”

Put this into your own words, this is just to give you some direction on how to communicate.

To your success,

Sylvia

P.S. You will get even more tips and tools from watching this masterclass about how to practice safe stress in tough times. It’s about what you need to do to make your life less stressful and chaotic and calmer.

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns, Stress

Romancing the Bullies

Sylvia Lafair
September 16, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

Help me understand. My boss is driving me crazy I want to help and be a great colleague, however, what he is doing makes no sense.

He ignores those who want to help him, to be a resource, and make our company great again.

However, he ignores them, and instead he ‘romances’ those who are the biggest bullies and I know, will take advantage when the time to strike is right.

I think we may end up losing our best employees and end up bankrupt.

All I can tell you is that he sings the praises of the jerks and ignores everyone else.

Thoughts?

Concerned

Job concern

Dear Concerned,

You should be! You see your boss is still ‘looking for love in all the wrong places.’

I think all leadership development programs should have an entire module on helping leaders become self-aware.

And that means they should learn to observe their own behavior (not just that of those who report to them) and understand why they choose to do what they do, so they can make better decisions.

I was just reading about a rather famous person who ended up creating a great deal of havoc because he never came to grips with his childhood anger at his father.

It sounds like your boss may be in the same situation.

When you have a father, who is only interested in performance, and you are the dedicated sibling to be the performer you know how to act.

So, you can continue what is familiar.

You end up finding a mentor who is stronger and more competent than you (just like your dad).

And then you do whatever you can to gain their favor, just like you did as a kid.

The hope is that you will finally be the shining light and win the long sought after approval.

I hope this makes sense.

In any case, the question is “what can YOU do?”

You are, as they say, ‘between a rock and a hard place.’

And yet, you need to do something, whether it helps or not is to be decided in the future.

I suggest you have a talk with your boss and begin to add some personal info about you.

During the conversation, you can bring up something about your own relationship with your father and then ask him about how his relationship was.

People often love to talk about themselves and he may just give you enough room to say something like…. “Have you noticed how much (name) your mentor is like your dad.

That may be enough for your boss to think in a new way.

At that point, you need to bow out. Do not become his coach or therapist. Instead, simply suggest he go that route and talk with someone who can guide him to see how he is still coveting recognition from his dad.

This is a BIG issue and I suggest you and he read Don’t Bring It to Work for a detailed way to work with old patterns that show up in present times.

I hope this helps.

And, by the way, I would love you to join my 7 Day Sanity Challenge. You can join at any time in the next few days!

To your success,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Stress

I’m Close to Burnout…

Sylvia Lafair
September 2, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

This is embarrassing; however, I will stop being like a little kid and fess up.

The other night I was beyond exhausted. Too many demands, not enough time. Too many annoyances, not enough pleasure. Too much … well, you get the idea.

In any case, I finally dropped into my bed thinking “I’m done.” Thinking “I am close to burnout.” Thinking “What am I doing anyway?”

It was dark in the room. I love to sleep with the curtains shut and of course, no night light.

My husband was on a business trip a town away. The first time we were not together in the past six COVID- based months.

It actually felt great to be alone.

So I snuggled into my pillow and comforter and then….. well and then….

This really is embarrassing.

Any way. I heard a growl. At first, I thought it was my stomach although I was well fed and feeling fine.

Then the growl came again.

I began to freeze.

We don’t have any pets now that the kids are on their own. My son took our dog so that was not where the sound was coming from.

The growl kept up until I couldn’t stand it anymore and slid to the side of the bed and looked underneath.

And, there it was. The frickin’ stress monster from my youth.

It was there smiling up at me, big teeth, and strange green color I remember so well.

I was ready to scream for my mother until I remembered I was a grown woman and was strong and capable of taming any monsters that were still hanging around.

I know in Don’t Bring It To Work ….you talk about patterns from the past showing up in the present time.

Well, this is one of those times.

I did what you teach.

I began to search inside myself to figure out why this old, funny, ugly, annoying creature showed up.

Why now?

Am I really losing it?

Anyway, I could use some thoughts of comfort.

Why me, why now, why this?

Thanks for responding,

Super stressed

Dear Super Stressed,

First, know you are not alone. Just about everyone is getting revisited by stress monsters from childhood.

Interesting, that they always seem to hide under the bed.

There’s even a name for fear of monsters called Teraphobia. You can read more here…

As kids, we really didn’t have the emotional or mental skills to stand up to our fears so those of us lucky enough to have parents or even older siblings who would turn the lights on for us and peek under the bed with us, gave some comfort.

Here are some suggestions to help keep those damn stress monsters from disturbing your sleep.

Find a way to recharge: Every day, and I mean every day, take regular 10 minutes breaks at least 3 times a day. You can simply do some deep breathing, journal, sing a song, listen to music, stretch. Right there, at night, lying in bed, go ahead and breath, journal, sing a song, put on some music.
Plan ahead. Even in these uncertain times just planning for a vacation, dinner out with friends, redoing your office with great plants, whatever makes you smile will reduce your stress. Let your memory take over and visualize great experiences. It will help you move from chaos to calm.
Smile more: Even if you feel like crap, plant a smile on your face for a few minutes. Better yet, go online and find some jokes or funny videos (especially of little kids laughing) and the stress will diminish. Just point the edges of your lips upward into a smile and hold it. It really works, even without a joke.
Talk with your stress monster: Tell this strange looking creature why you are so exhausted. Here is what I bet will happen. The more you share your angst, the more this little creature will get bored and finally fall asleep so you can get some shut-eye.

Stress Monsters are not such a strange phenomenon. More and more adults are finding that stress is moving them to overwhelm and burnout and making them feel like the little kids they were when things became chaotic and confusing.

I want to personally invite you to join my new public and free Facebook group Stress Mastery: The Ultimate Guide to Practicing SAFE STRESS dedicated to helping find the best ways to deal with them over the top stress of this time in our world so you can stay in the safe stress zone and live life to its fullest.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Change

Did Anyone Ever Ask You To ‘Fix’ Your Personality?

Sylvia Lafair
August 25, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

The amount of criticism I’m getting now is above what I can handle.

Look, I don’t mind if someone says “Hey, fix the side of your hair, your curls are drooping.”

I don’t’ mind if someone says, “Your slip is showing.” That was just a fun mention for last’s week’s blog about Freudian Slips.

What is driving me nuts is when someone tells me to “stop talking about myself or that I am too darn dramatic.”

I am who I am and… it is what it is, as they say.

How can I tell these busybodies to mind their own business and let me be my original self?

Signed,

Worn Out

Dear WO,

Did you ever wonder what you look like, sound like in the brain of your colleagues or customers?

I know there is very powerful resistance to listen to critical comments (of course I understand that) yet think of this another way:

WOULD YOU RATHER BE RIGHT OR HAPPY?

Do you tend to dig your heels in to ignore comments that make you uncomfortable?

While most of us, I bet this includes you, will give lip service to feedback, there is a strong tendency to shrink away from being told anything that smacks of negativity.

Out loud do you say “Thank you for telling me. I’ll consider your comments”. And internally, you think “Who the hell do they think they are? I’m fine just the way I am”.

I know it’s not easy to hear ugly stuff. I know it takes a real effort to listen.

Some habits are good and sustain us. Think about it: what if every morning you had to relearn to brush your teeth, comb your hair, or get dressed.

Yet, way too often most of us go on automatic, not thinking about what we are doing and especially how it is impacting others.

Gandhi put it perfectly when he said we should not mistake what is habitual for what is natural.

Changing what is habitual and not working properly is what self-awareness is all about.

If you want to stop being worn out, Worn Out, you do need to choose to accept feedback in a more helpful way.

Two suggestions. Monitor your own body sensations. See if when you are told something you don’t like, do you feel it in your gut, or get a pain in the neck, or maybe feel a headache coming on?

Many of our knee-jerk basic reactions are from childhood memories when you were yelled at by a parent or bullied by kids.

This is where most of us learned to hate feedback. It was rarely given in thoughtful, well-planned ways. Usually it was a slap on the rear, or a taunt, or a detention.

Not good for learning better habits. Good for creating defensive positioning.

Find out more about your specific ways of responding in Don’t Bring It To Work

Gandhi was right. What is habitual is not natural. What is natural is, to tell the truth, be accountable, and look for ways to cooperate and accentuate creativity.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Growth

Can You Really Change YOUR Habits?

Sylvia Lafair
August 19, 2020
coping, habits, work

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I did it again. It doesn’t really matter exactly what I did except I thought I had changed my awful habit and it just came back today and bit me in the butt.

I ask you, “How long does it take for a new behavior to become automatic?

I’ll do my best to keep this short. Cause my old pattern of behavior is to go on and on and on.

The biggest problem is I like to tell jokes and get people to like me by making them laugh.

It’s more like when I go on and on and make people laugh, I keep them captive and then I think I’m in charge. At least that’s what the self- help books tell me.

Okay. Back to what habit I am desperately wanting to kick out of my life.

It’s about being ACCEPTED.

I’m resisting the addiction to stop and tell a joke right about now so you will like me.

I tell jokes to gain approval.

Here’s the short story. I thought I was getting good at not diverting the real issues when meetings get tense… It didn’t work. I have folks at my company furious with me because of my jokes.

Then I feel guilty. Even though the jokes I told yesterday I thought were really funny. At least, everyone laughed.

Here is one I told. Let me know what you think.

I mentioned that someone I know was bitching about hair salons not being open and I said “Look, the only ones who think liquor stores are more important to stay open rather than salons are bald-headed alcoholics.”

The executive team laughed and then wanted to get back to a very tough issue that had to get handled.

I did it again.

Told another joke. And I got a text from the top honcho asking me to call her after the meeting.

I got reamed on the carpet (I’m resisting another joke here) and was told to cut the jokes that were annoying in the meetings.

I can’t stop. It’s like an addiction for attention. That’s what the books say.

I know you are known for helping people change old habits and patterns.

What am I missing and what do you suggest?

Signed,

Mighty Tired

Dear Mighty Tired,

It sounds like you want a quick answer to a long-standing issue.

Just know that all habits were not created equal.

Some started when you were a kid. Some began in adolescence from peer pressure. Others creep up in adulthood. And some sadly, are handed to us without our permission from generations past.

The good news is when you stop skirting the issue and get down to what is really driving your behavior you can change it.

Let’s take a look at your behavior pattern of being a clown in staff meetings. I have a sense it is because when there is tension in a room, you have to be the one to take over with a joke to decrease the stress.

Right now, stress is over the top for most of us.

More than you wanting to be accepted there is something else. I believe you want to make people feel better during these tough times.

Let’s look at that caring part of you rather than the part of you that is needy.

You want to help. That, dear Mighty Tired, is good.

Focus on the positive rather than see yourself as a hungry baby needing approval, see that you want to help.

Keep that in your mind as I guide you to begin the project of diminishing the clown pattern.

First, begin to observe yourself. Take small steps.

When everything in you wants to tell another joke bite your lip, scribble on a pad of paper, tap your fingers on your knee, pinch your arm. Do anything to keep from telling jokes during times that are filled with conflict and upset.

Start a journal. Note how hard it is to keep your mouth shut when stress hits the hot button. Jot down how you feel when you see the team squirm in discomfort as tough decisions are made.

I have an educated guess that as you were growing up you were the one to jump in with jokes to ease whatever upset was in the family.

That was good and caring. You just have to redesign the how and when of your jokes.

You may want to get a copy of THE PATTERN AWARE SUCCESS GUIDE which will guide you for 90 days of pattern transformation.

Keep the goal in front of you. The change will take months, not days. This Guide will help you train your brain to behave the way you want.

Please remember, changing behavior is a process, not a single event.

Then call me with some funny jokes. I don’t want you to lose your talent as a clown. I want to help you become more of a humorist who can tell a joke at the right time.

And just so you know, I love what you said about hair salons and liquor stores. It made me laugh.

Here’s you your success,

Sylvia

Are you ready to break out of the habits and fix your work relationships? Check out Don’t Bring it to Work, a book all about keeping your work at work and your life at home.

Business and Life Patterns, Managing Stress, Patterns, Stress, Success

How to declutter your mind and get it organized

Sylvia Lafair
June 17, 2020

Did you declutter your home during the past few months? Is that all you need to declutter? Here’s what one of my clients said that had me laughing and cheering him on. Two levels to declutter…. Your home and your mind!

“Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I have always been a leader, and I have been known as “the boss who is not bossy.”

I guess that’s good.

I always like to include others in decision making.

However, being at home with my wife and two teens has been anything but pleasurable.

Their grumpy manner finally got to me and I created a family project. I was/am in charge.

My wife took a back seat and simply watched as I maneuvered this project like I was at work, where people really listen to me.

The project was to declutter the house.

I know that wonderful Japanese author, Marie Kondo wrote “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and talks about the virtue of a decluttered home.

However, she really doesn’t talk about how to harness the power of a girl who is 14 and a boy who is 17 who hate being on the same team and annoy each other to their limits.

I apologized to my wife who has put up with more of their GOTCHA Games than I do. I told her I should have been more involved sooner.

But, I digress…..

What I learned as we cleaned out the cabinets, got piles together to take to Goodwill, was the following, and it’s what you have been teaching for years and years.

Here goes…..

The clutter in your mind is as important to get rid of as the clutter in your home.

I now see that all the work I have done with your organization about behavior patterns and pattern repetition is really to declutter your mind.

I had a really amazing talk with my kids about this as we cleaned the closets and made the space in the house feel calm and expansive.

We talked about why they are such jerks to each other and how that patterns of GOTCHA could become so ingrained they would take them to work and there, it could mean lost opportunities for promotion or creative collaboration.

Honestly, to my surprise, they listened.

They asked questions, they wanted to learn.

So, please can you send a copy of your e-book GOTCHA to me (signed would matter) so I can go over it with my teens.

And just FYI, my wife was able to leave us to our education and get some of her work for her high– powered leadership job done without begging for peace and quiet.

My new theory is to do both:

Declutter your home and get it organized

Declutter your mind and get it organized.

Thanks in advance for the book, and thanks for all the great info about these dang patterns that we need to purge and transform.

Best wishes,

The NOT Bossy Boss

Business and Life Patterns, Change, Communication, Leadership

Diversity, Inclusion and Engagement

Sylvia Lafair
June 5, 2020
diversity, emotional commitment, engagement, inclusion, jane elliot

Hi everybody! Sylvia Lafair here, and I will keep this short.

There are two parts to this that I’d like to guide you to look. First, if you do not know who Jane Elliott is, please google her and please watch the documentary and some of the newer things she’s done.

I will tell you just briefly who she is, but first I want to give you a quote from her. What she has said is, ‘Prejudice is an emotional commitment to ignorance.’ What a short sentence and a wise statement Jane Elliott is.

Now, I think I’m going to cry talking about this. She’s now 87 years old and sorry. In 1968 in April, after Martin Luther King was murdered, assassinated, she was a third grade teacher in a small town of Riceville, Iowa and the kids at that age are still open. They still wonder, this was an all-white area of rural sweet children and they wanted to know why somebody would kill somebody that had been thought of as an esteemed leader and she couldn’t figure out how to explain it. So, she did what was one of the most powerful experience of learning things.

It was back in 1968 this just wasn’t done and I don’t know how we’re going to incorporate it now, but I’d like you to watch, and it’s about how something as simple as if you have blue eyes or brown eyes. One is better than the other, gets handled by these kids and then there’s a PBS documentary that when these little third graders grow up and they’re now married, they have children of their own, they come back for a reunion. This is really getting me to talk about what they learned. Very powerful and I’m not going to excuse myself for the tears.

There’s just so much that’s going on and finally, it just has to spill over. And so, that’s a part of what I want to talk about. I said the other day, we’ve got to be taught to hate and fear. We have to be taught from year-to-year. It has to be drummed in our dear little ear. We have to be carefully taught, and we’re not doing enough about diversity, about inclusion, about listening to each other’s stories, and so please take the time and look up Jane Elliott. She’s now 87 years old. An amazing woman, but I didn’t get this emotional.

The second part of this is on listening to all the conversations and the rhetoric from everybody of every color, of every combination, of background, of affluence or poverty or whatever, and I really believe that as we begin to hear each other’s stories, that we can begin to open that human part in us, and that’s all stories. All stories and I had the privilege of being with Thich Nhat Hanh, who is a Buddhist teacher, who during the Vietnamese War, walked down. He’s a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who walked down the streets of Manhattan and stopped the traffic with his people with him, and somebody said, ‘Thich Nhat Hanh, are you for the right to the north or the south?’ And he said, ‘I’m for the middle. I’m for everyone.’ So, maybe, just maybe, this is the time, and I’m going to put together a short program to begin to discuss a story.

I’ve written the book, ‘Unique.’ Here it is, ‘Unique: How Stories Sparks a Diversity, Inclusion and Engagement,’ and this is going to be a gratis program that I would like to do on zoom with a small group of people to begin to see if we can take our stories in a certain way that we listen to because it’s very generational for all of us also.

So, if you’re interested, please email me at sylvia@ceoptions.com, and we can discuss what this is going to look like, I feel like I have to do something more, and in all the years that I’ve worked, and I’ve worked with diversity and I’ve had people tell the truth. It’s not enough and we need more people to do more.

So, Jane Elliott, thank you for being who you are, and everybody out there who’s listening, who’s ready to become part of the solution. Let me hear from those who are interested in this and the rest of you. I just want you to go and make a difference. It’s our time and if not now, when?

Thank you so much.

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Growth, Patterns, Success

How to Deal with a Narcissist

Sylvia Lafair
May 20, 2020

I’ve been getting lots of questions about how to deal with the narcissist lately. I began to wonder if this personality type is more prevalent, or at least more obvious during times of extra stress.

So, I did a deep dive into various publications and paid special attention to the news.

Yes, there are lots of Narcissists in the news.

I have a few that stand out for me.

How about you? I’d love to compare notes.

Then I started to think about where narcissism starts. It led me right back to my book where I sort through the behavior patterns and personality traits that are part of our developmental years.

The patterns I discuss in ‘Don’t Bring It to Work” are the ones that we learned as kids from our original organization, the family, and bring with us to work.

They get in the way of connection, communication, and collaboration at work (and at home, I might add).

The pattern I discuss in detail that comes closest to the narcissist is the Super Achiever. That is the individual I call the “me, me, me guy or gal.”

Super Achievers and Narcissists are very much alike.

They boast about how good they are.

They are not team players.

They steal ideas from others and claim them for their own.

They talk a great game.

They show off and claim they have special talents yet, without much substance.

They are self-obsessed.

They damage others without thought of consequences.

They cut off people rather than work through issues.

They love high-end material things and shiny objects that cost lots of money.

They ghost people who no longer matter in their quest for greatness.

They claim to care about you, and about making the world a better place.

And, truth be told, they really never care about you unless you can do something for them.

Super achievers and narcissists don’t want to change. Often, they are not even aware of how self-indulgent they are.

They want you to cater to them, bow to them and listen to them. They KNOW better about what really matters.

Got the idea

Now for the downside. (Yes, there is more).

The super achiever and the narcissist also have a great deal of victim psychology underneath the bravado. They play the victim card when they feel they are being disrespected or discarded.

You hear “No one ever asks if I’m okay and I do so much for so many.”

Just notice when someone you know who thinks they are King or Queen of the Hill decides you or whoever has discounted them.

You get fired if you have the unholy privilege of working for them.

You are talked about in negative ways.

You are thrown out of their very tight-knit tribe.

You will be the target of their revenge.

Do you get the drift?

Now, what to do if you are in a relationship with, work with, or just happen to be around one of these destructive types of people.

Here’s what I suggest you do.

STOP!.

Just stop playing into their narrative or it will cost you emotionally and/or fiscally.

They may write a book and you will be slimed. They will not support you and you may end up jobless. They will make sure you are considered untrustworthy and unwanted by their ‘in-crowd.’

Enough! You get it.

Be careful.

I had a super achieving narcissist do some marketing for me years ago. It cost a ton of wasted money till I woke up.

It was expensive hogwash.

And yet, I learned a great deal about my own weakness for being ‘romanced’ and told how great my work is and what he could do to help me.

I had to address how and why I got entrapped by this narcissist.

Did I change my relationship with Mr. Narcissist?

No.

However, from that awful, expensive encounter I learned some uncomfortable truths about myself.

Just sayin!

There is good news, however,

Patterns can be transformed into their healthy opposite with some inner work about how they developed in the first place. The super achiever/narcissist can become a powerful creative collaborator who is respected and really does make a difference.

Want to know the top 13 top patterns at work and their positive transformations?

I’ve got a fascinating video series that explains each one and you’ll get clarity about what might be holding you back!

>>CLICK HERE TO START WATCHING<<

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