Business and Life Patterns, Communication, Confidence, Patterns

Gaslighting and how it can impact you

Sylvia Lafair
April 17, 2019

Gaslighting is a hot topic these days. Many people are victims of gaslighting without even knowing it. It affects your sense of self-worth, your confidence, and your sanity.

Have you ever spent time with a narcissist or a sociopath? You can sense them from their cunning and self-importance. They are the opposite of fine wine. They get worse with time!

Spend enough hours with those folks and soon you will begin to question your sanity.

Like Don.

He called me requesting some meds for anxiety. As a psychologist, I do not prescribe medication. As his executive coach, we agreed to dig a bit deeper. It soon became clear that he was moving far south of healthy functioning from mixed messages at work.

In my book, Don’t Bring It To Work I talk about the 13 most common behavior patterns we learned as children that we bring into the workplace. The one that is always considered the most difficult to work with, the most difficult to change, I call The Splitter.

Don soon learned that his boss, the CEO of the company was making Don question his own sanity.

Splitters are master manipulators. They are the best of the best in the narcissist and sociopath realm. Splitters are masters at deflecting problems onto others and knowingly give wrong information. They convince you that you just didn’t listen to the right information. They have the ability to really drive you nuts, as in totally crazy and you begin to question everything you say and think.

These Splitters, narcissists, and sociopaths are also the best of the best at gaslighting.

Gaslighting is making the rounds these days and an old film from 1944 gives us the story. Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer is a classic worth watching. It’s like an older version of Game of Thrones showing the misuse of power, revenge, murder, and intrigue.

It’s all about human behavior that seems to be part of our human destiny (until we finally say stop). So, read on and learn.

Gaslighters are compulsive liars (think about any you know personally). My best is a woman who worked for us years ago named Janet. She was a master manipulator and it took some time to figure out what was really going on. I owe her a debt of gratitude since the term Splitter came from her insane behavior. It took time for our entire staff to see how destructive she was (and sadly still is).

Here’s what the Splitters, narcissists, and sociopaths do:

They use gaslighting to gain power and control

They convince you they are right and what you think happened was wrong

They minimize their role to one of being insignificant (“no big deal”)

They conveniently forget and never can remember what they did as abusive

They play the victim while inside they are smirking at you

They are never accountable for their actions

They always vote by including others to convince you they are right

They will back out on promises and say they never ever agreed

They make up conversations that make them look good and you look awful

Problem is they dress well, speak effectively, and will talk to others about you and tell you they “have your back” while they tell you that others don’t care for you.

Want to know how to handle splitters (aka narcissists and sociopaths)? Please read my book, especially pages 83-84 and 156-157.

Now, there is some good news. Splitters who can transform their very destructive behavior become Peace Makers. It takes work to drill down to the root of where and how this started. Then it takes time to change behavior. It can be done.

No Janet never changed and she has had maybe 5 more jobs since she left out organization. However, I can spot a splitter, gaslighter, narcissist, sociopath within minutes these days. If you are working (or living) with a gaslighting splitter, give me a call and I would be honored to help you find your way out of the maze of misery they create.

Call 570 233 1042 to set time to talk.

gutsy or bold are you ready to take action

Business and Life Patterns, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Styles

Gutsy or Bold, Are You Ready to Take a Step Forward?

Sylvia Lafair
January 23, 2019

What does it take to make the leap? Whether you’re gutsy or bold, are you ready to take a step forward?

I was reflecting on the physical or emotional cost when you take a GUTSY or BOLD step out of the old ‘this is the way it is meant to be’ mentality.

I was thinking about Karen who called off her wedding the day before. I was thinking about Stan who quit his very lucrative position rather than stay with a company that promised and rarely delivered.

And then I was thinking about my personal moment of being GUTSY or BOLD. I was a young employee, back in the day. The popular wisdom was to look the other way, keep your head down, do your job and stay silent. I didn’t.

When did you take a stand? Make a dramatic change? Follow your dream even if a crazy one?

AND then what happened?

Karen found her voice (and a great boyfriend), Stan started his own company (and sold it for big bucks.) And I wrote my book GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change (that won some awards.)

Now, between Karen and her voice, Stan and his company, me and my book, there was lots of territory to traverse. Lots of stories of highs and lows, glee and tears, fear and courage.

If, as you read this, you can feel yourself revisiting your moment of GUTSY or BOLD, I have a proposition for you.

I have been asked to add a sequel to GUTSY. Men as well as women are looking for stories of inspiration and they want it from us. That means you and you and you and me. You know, ordinary people who have had an extraordinary experience.

The stories will be gathered in a book about what happens when you take a stand and then, what happens afterward.

In my research over the years I constantly found that making the right move in any situation is 20% strategy and 80% psychology. Thus, we can learn from each other and what better way than through hearing each other’s stories. We can give each other courage to leap rather than tip-toe, tell the truth rather than smooth it over, stand steady rather than walk away.

If you would like to be featured in the new book, GUTSY and BOLD: Stories from Women and Men that Make a Difference please fill out the form below and let’s get going.

Helping each other grow and become the best we can be is nourishing. Tell your story. I know you will be a great guide for so many whose names you may never know, yet, they will know yours and will thank you for helping them take the next GUTSY and BOLD step.

Business and Life Patterns, Growth, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Gutsy Woman Profile: Karen Mangia

Sylvia Lafair
January 16, 2019

I want to share the story of Karen Mangina who I recently met and to me is the epitome of a GUTSY woman.

What would you do if you were in a situation you knew, yes knew, deep inside would be a vast mistake to follow through? Would you take a deep breath and say, “I’m outa here” or “I changed my mind” or “This doesn’t work for me?”

I’ve asked this question to tons of people, male and female and the answers sort into only two real options.

Suck it up and remember that you made the bed, now you will have to sleep in it.
Get out and don’t look back.

Can you guess which answer was voted on more by the men and which by the women. Or, in your mind, were the answers just about 50-50?

From my study the women were more prone to suck it up and the men were more willing to get the heck out and not look back.

Thus, the pleaser personality stood out for the gals and the avoider personality was more prevalent for the guys.

Obviously, neither way is the best. Best would be to buy some ‘wiggle room’ and find possibilities to either make the difficult situation more appealing or, at least, if you need to leave, to make sure you do so without leaving disaster behind.

Okay, so much for being philosophical.

I’d like to introduce you to Karen. She is the epitome of a GUTSY woman. And, in a minute I will tell you her YIKES story and what she is here to tell others who get stuck between that rock and a hard place where it seems there is no winning.

I was lucky enough to have Karen introduce me at The Indiana Women’s Conference.

She did her homework and rather than just talk about my credentials, she told a story about what I learned watching my mother navigate the months after my father’s untimely death in his early 50’s when I was only 14 years old. That introduction was so much more powerful than just listing degrees or awards. It made me real to everyone in the room.

I was intrigued with her insightfulness.

Yet, it wasn’t till we had coffee after the presentation that I realized I was with a real powerhouse, a woman who could stand tall and not be tossed to the side of a road when a situation becomes sticky or impossible.

Karen Mangia is VP of Customer and Market Insights at Salesforce. She is a bright light, with a smile that says “Let’s connect. Let’s communicate. Let’s learn.” She is also an author, and I want to recommend her book to all of you, Success with Less: Releasing Obligations and Discovering Joy.

Here is where I put my latte down and just listened with my mouth half opened in awe. She was telling me about the time that she had to use all the GUTSY chips she had gathered to get through the next few days of her life.

In her own words from her book, “My mom parked the car and started to pop the trunk so we could carry the gifts inside. As we walked around to the back of the car, I started to cry. I couldn’t stop the sentence that was going to change my life. “Mom, I can’t go through with the wedding.” Followed by “Don’t unload the gifts.” (I was upset, but I was also practical.)”

It’s now many moons later and Karen talked about how she had been running on empty until that crisis rocked her world.

She talked about how she began a search for wholeness. The non-wedding was the starter, plus some very difficult health issues, led Karen to search for meaning in her life.

In her book she has tips and tools for understanding the deeper meaning of ‘less.’ It’s about overcoming obstacles and taking steps to evaluate what is true and right for you. Let me say it another way, choose what really matters and let the rest go. It’s an internal decision, and no one, let me say that another way, no relative, friend, or colleague can choose for you.

If you, like Karen, are ready to change from a pleaser to a truth teller take her advice and sit quietly till you become clear about what really matters. Then read her book to help you take the next steps. It made a difference for me.

Being GUTSY is a practice, not just a wish. And the more that GUTSY Women and BOLD Men stay the course and tell the truth the better our world will be.

man thinking about how to sustain growth

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership Strategies, Patterns, Success

How to sustain growth and become a better version of you

Sylvia Lafair
December 26, 2018

In this article I share my thoughts about how to sustain growth and become a better version of you.

Are you hearing bells yet? There will be a lot of people chanting, ‘Ring out the old and bring in the new. That’s the motto I am starting to hear with only a few days left to embrace this year.

It’s a similar pattern all over the world.

Let’s take a few minutes for a deeper look at what that means: Do we really want to ring out the old? And what is the new we all talk about?

Recently a client told me she was sick of seeing and hearing so many superficial comments about how to make the new year a great one. She said:

“Every year I make the same promises to myself. I promise to be more caring and kind- hearted at home and to be more of a cheerleader to my direct reports at work. And yet, by day 7 of the new year, I can feel myself falling backwards, into the old behaviors that I specifically want to change.

I think of myself as a boomerang. Not good!

What is the magic formula, or if not magic, at least a formula that will keep me on track for more than a few days?

And by the way, did I mention that I also want to lose a few pounds?

My question is: what can I do to sustain growth throughout the year and see really productive changes in 365 days?”

My response: We’ve all been there. Change is annoying, uncomfortable and often fearful. And, I believe, it is human nature to want to do better and be better. It’s in the how, that we slip and fall.

First, you need to get prepared. Louis Pasteur, you know the guy who invented the technique for treating milk and wine to stop bacterial contamination. His famous quote “Chance favors only the prepared mind” is one you can print out and put somewhere at home and at work.

There are way too many people and products on the market these days that promise instant transformation if you just do ‘this one thing.”

Won’t work over the long haul.

I suggest you begin the new year preparing for change. You can’t wish for the magic of change to happen until you figure out what patterns of behavior you keep repeating so you can break that frustrating cycle of pattern repetition.

Start by taking the Leadership Development Quiz to see which of the 13 most common patterns in the family and in the workplace have your name on them. Then comes the hard work to take the time to observe yourself without judging.

This is how the mind gets prepared for change and getting into a place where you can sustain growth.

I believe the process of deep, long term change begins with preparation. Think of it this way: prior preparation cuts the time to success in half. Take the opportunity at the beginning of the year to search inside yourself and observe before you make half baked promises to yourself that kid you into thinking you will have important changes handled in a week or two.

Research indicates that, at best, it takes 90 days for real change to lock in. So, by end of March you should be able to evaluate your progress with being able to sustain growth and become a better version of you .

My Pattern Aware Success Guide is surprise surprise, a 90 days program in an ebook, to help you sustain growth, make the changes you choose, like the woman above who wants to be more caring and kind-hearted at home and more of a cheerleader to her direct reports at work.

Check out the Pattern Aware Success Guide on Amazon.

And I have a special gift for all of you for the new year. It’s a copy of my webinar Give Change a Chance.

All you have to do is send me an email and it’s yours to help prepare you for what looks like a powerful roller coaster ride in 2019.

Here’s to being able to sustain growth and become a better version of you!

Business and Life Patterns, Gutsy, Patterns

Which one are you: Overwhelmed, Overworked or Frustrated?

Sylvia Lafair
December 11, 2018

Did you ever wonder if men feel as overwhelmed, overworked, and frustrated as women do, on a daily basis?

I did some digging to find the answers.

I spent time looking at the three areas of what it means to be overwhelmed, overworked, and frustrated.

Here is what I found.

OVERWHELMED

Let’s look at being overwhelmed first: Those of us who are pleasers (and women make up the majority of pleasers) who stay in that place of feeling like there is not one more ounce of energy to do another thing. This can bring tears, anger, depression, and all types of physical symptoms like headaches, heartaches, and hypertension. The list is long.

Look, when you can’t say NO it’s just like any other addiction. It takes over and leaves little room for honest thinking about what you should be doing. You become a puppet to the pattern you developed, that began when you watched and reacted to your parents or caretakers who helped mold your responses.

Saying YES to please others can be very comforting initially. You are liked, you are talked about in flattering terms. You are “the good one.”

However, like any addiction, the stakes keep getting higher as people want more and more from you and you have no more to give. Tough spot to be in.

Full disclosure. I, myself, am a recovering pleaser.

Here’s what I discovered as I began the journey from pleaser to its positive opposite, being a truth teller.

I had to learn that to NOT SPEAK UP is eventually destructive. It takes time and practice to think of yourself first, or at least, not ignore your personal wants and needs.

So, as far as overwhelmed, women win the title.

OVERWORKED

Let’s move to overworked. In our world the typical 9 to 5 job is virtually a myth. Just about everyone works more than 40 hours a week. Many who are in positions of leadership work an 80- hour week.

When stress is high, we all, men and women, tend to finally “blow our tops.” That is when the drama queen and king show up. One way to reduce stress is to yell and make the situation look much worse than it is. For a brief time, the release of spewing out not only the annoyance of a situation, also using colorful language really does help. At least, for the moment.

However, this is a defense mechanism that can only go so far. After the initial explosion, there is always debris that must be cleared away. Sure, it feels good to take a plate and smash it to make a statement. However, then the splattered plate must be cleaned up. And words said in anger with lots of finger pointing also must be cleared up.

In the realm of overworked, where the drama queen or king does NOT SHUT UP, it’s about equal for men and women. Those who can harness this energy can become great storytellers and use the energy in a positive way.

FRUSTRATED

The third area I considered are those who are frustrated and yet, do NOT OWN UP. This looks different for men and women. However, when you don’t own up to what has happened and are unwilling to be accountable the results are equally disastrous.

Women who do not own up to their part in any situation are seen as victims. They tend to bow their heads, say they were never told what to do, or some other lame excuse like that. This is the ‘deer in the headlight’s’ syndrome.

When women see their part in any given situation, they can become explorers who will look for better and new ways to handle what is going on. This is a great energy boost to get up and get going. Frustration melts away as more creative and purposeful ways of handling life’s situations are explored.

Men who do NOT OWN UP, when they are frustrated, become persecutors (aka bullies) and tend to point their index finger at everyone else. It becomes, “he said, she said, they said” with no looking inward at oneself.

If men can finally see their part in any given situation, they become visionaries. They take that finger pointing at others and point it toward the sky, painting a picture of future possibilities.

Thus, when it comes to frustration, women and men handle the situations differently. Yet, I say this one is also a toss-up on who is the more frustrated.

I would love to hear your thoughts about how you and those around you handle being overwhelmed, overworked and frustrated. This becomes even more apparent during this holiday season. So, it’s a great time to begin to observe your behavior and make a commitment to change.

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns

The most valued gift for the holidays…is YOU

Sylvia Lafair
November 27, 2018

In this post, I’m pondering the thought of what is the most valued gift for the holidays?

This is the time of year for both fun and family. Yet, sometimes, the two words don’t really go together.

Wouldn’t it be better if when you sit around the family table you were supported and delighted? And, even better, that you could support and delight those with whom you share a deep common bond?

And equally important did you ever think about the fact that so many of the patterns from how you behave with your relatives are carried from the family table to the meeting table at work.

Think of it this way, there are structural similarities between families and workgroups. Bosses can resemble parents and co-workers can feel like siblings. You get a salary, kinda like an allowance, and there are performance improvement plans that look like those frustrating ‘time outs’ we all experienced as kids.

This is the season for GUTSY women and BOLD men to look at the behaviors that get in the way of success. What better gift for the holidays than having a caring and even carefree holiday time where the most valued gift you can give to others is……YOU.

Here are my thoughts on what is needed along with the fun of giving and getting presents:

It’s your presence.

Yes, your presence. That means showing the very best of who you are and how you relate to those both around the family and the conference table.

Here is my thought for the holidays:

“It’s not about survival of the fittest.

It’s about how we can all survive and be fit”

In this unprecedented time when world stress is so high, I implore you to look for methods to support your biological family and your work family in new ways. In my books, Don’t Bring It To Work and GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change I help you recognize the 13 most common patterns from childhood that show up in all adult relationships. I help you gain skills to diminish conflict (not get rid of it, that’s impossible) just make it manageable and shorten the time of distress.

Answer this. Are you a pleaser, avoider or rescuer?

These examples of learned patterns are painfully annoying and simply don’t work. Once you learn the secrets of relationship systems by observing your outdated survival mechanisms you can harness and transform them. Then you can make optimal decisions and be a positive resource for family, friends, and colleagues at work.

Take the Leadership Quiz or the GUTSY Quiz to see what you need to do differently to upgrade your presence. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, all year round.

And if you buy either book, I’d like to gift you with a copy of the Pattern Aware Success Guide or the GUTSY Success Guide Book.

These books will help you learn to change patterns, one day at a time. It works.

Thanksgiving Celebration Tradition Family Dinner Concept

Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Patterns

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving

Sylvia Lafair
November 20, 2018

I am writing a heartfelt message to hopefully help make your Thanksgiving time as positive and fruitful as possible.

First, here is a quote from retired Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O’Conner:

The Family unit plays a critical role in our society

And in the generations to come.

In all the work I have done as a therapist and leadership coach, those words ring true for everyone both at home and at work.

Interestingly, many wish this were not the case, that annoying family members could just be forgotten.

Not possible.

Some of my best advice in “Don’t Bring It To Work” and “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change” is about how to transform outdated behavior patterns we learned in our original organization the family that we bring into work and all other relationships.

Take the Leadership or GUTSY quiz to see where you are in terms of pattern repetition.

Today, I want to give you two tips that may well lead to a new understanding of those around you.

“TELL ME MORE”: Most of the time we stay at the superficial and safe level of talking with each other. To get underneath the obvious where the gold of truth lies, all you need to do is say “TELL ME MORE” to invite a richer discussion.

In my experience, most people want to heal past rifts and want to love and be loved in return. While this may sound too soft and fuzzy, it’s the opposite. Being open and searching for truth is the true hero and heroine’s journey.

It takes GUTSY women and BOLD men to be open and not defensive.

Your experiment is to simply deepen your discussion with at least one person over the Thanksgiving holiday.

“IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME”: Being vulnerable takes strength and determination. Easier to defend, explain and justify, to judge, blame and attack. That is the way most of us were taught to protect ourselves as kids and yes, we bring this with us into adulthood.

The words “It would mean a lot to me” are very carefully chosen. Saying what you ‘want’ or ‘need’ often creates a push back. It sounds like you are weak or demanding.

Simply telling someone what would really matter to you without putting a burden on them to fulfill a want or need is more honest and also more possible.

It would mean a lot to me to hear from those of you who use these two communication tools during the holiday season.

Also, it would mean a lot to me if you would take a minute and vote for me as a global guru for the 4th year in a row.

Thanks for all the support and comments over this past year.

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving.

Warmly,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns

What is your Overall Life Satisfaction?

Sylvia Lafair
November 6, 2018

Many of us stop and pause during certain times of the year to think about our how content we are with our lives…or our OLS quotient. It may be at the end of the year, the beginning, or for that matter any time when events make us want to stop and think deeper.

What is an OLS?

It’s your Overall Life Satisfaction quotient. It’s about how content you are with your life right now. Is it all you want it to be? How are you handling stress? How do you make your day more fulfilling, more fun? How are relationships more rewarding?

Here is a simple Overall Life Satisfaction test to see where you are right now.

Rate each of the following on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best; 5 being not bad, could be better; 1 being rather bleak). Do this quickly and don’t over-think it).

Is your life:

Amazing ____

Creative ____

Challenging ____

Blissful _____

Exciting _____

Fulfilling ____

Powerful ____

Add all the scores and then divide by 7

Okay, all done. Now for what you need or don’t need.

What is your overall Life Satisfaction score?

If your score is 8 or above, you are in a super good spot. Go do something else, don’t even bother reading the rest of this blog.

Did you score under 7? Read on….

You are in a pattern rut. You can do with an emotional make-over. Here is an assignment to get you going in a new direction and move into new territory. If you want a more amazing, creative, challenging, blissful, exciting, fulfilling, and powerful life you must engage your brain in a new way.

Some call it “thinking outside of the box,” I call it being “pattern aware.”

You just must do one thing, that’s right, just one thing to begin the process for positive change. Pick from the following list. And remember, all you need to do for a system to change is begin with one small shift into an improved overall Life Satisfaction score.

Take a different route to work (even if it takes longer)
Go to a new restaurant for lunch or dinner (eat something new)
Come to work an hour earlier or later or leave an hour earlier or later (stop to smell the roses)
Talk with a co-worker you don’t like very much (ask questions)
Take a cup of java to your boss and chat for a few minutes (ask questions)
Read a magazine cover to cover that is different from you interests (about cooking if you love motorcycles and about motorcycles, if you love cooking)
Text an old friend to check in (ask questions)

You get the idea. Just do one thing you would not ordinarily do. Add to the above list. These are just ideas for you to consider. Make up your own. Make a list of 25. Do one each day for several weeks and just see what happens.

It’s about looking at your life from a different perspective with new eyes – you might be pleasantly surprised with the opportunities that come your way when you get out of your pattern rut.

And, of course, remember, an amazing life is not one where the sun shines every day. That would cause a drought. Rain, cloudy days, stress, and disappointment are also part of the richness of growth and development.

Here’s another way to continue to do strength training and become the best you can be. Buy a copy of Don’t Bring It To Work, send us the receipt, and we will send you a complimentary copy of the Pattern Aware Success Guide that gives you three months of exercises to help you improve your leadership and have a higher Overall Life Satisfaction score.

Here’s to the best you ever,

Sylvia

Transforming the Splitter into a Peacemaker

Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

Transforming Splitters into Peacemakers

Sylvia Lafair
February 27, 2018

Identifying and transforming splitters into peacemakers is the topic of this post. As you’ll see in my story, they can be tricky to spot and oftentimes it isn’t until they’ve done their dirty work.

Did you ever get sucked into some juicy gossip and then see it backfire? UG! That’s what happened to me. And while I’m so embarrassed, it’s such a good learning moment.

I had an employee who was always telling me how wonderful I am. She would smile such a sweet smile and say “You are so smart and perceptive. I bet you can always tell when people are lying or being deceptive.”

I would stand up straighter, nod my head in the affirmative, and say with profound modesty “Yup.”

Then Janice would tell me about all the issues with the staff that happened when I was traveling around the country to work with teams and leaders.

Her response was always, “You know how much I care about you. Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.”

Listen, if you ever hear those words from someone, I beg you, be careful.

They sound soothing. Yet, real BS.

Finally, a staff member and I were having coffee, just taking a peaceful break and she said, “I hear you and Janice are at odds with each other.”

I guess at times of surprise I’m not so eloquent. I looked at Lois and merely went, “Huh?”

Then I got an earful about everything I ever did that was not perfect, actually everything I ever did that was, well, merely human.

And suddenly, it hit me. I had been lulled into dreamland by a splitter.

In my defense, I always teach that the splitter is the hardest pattern to observe and the hardest pattern to transform.

Here’s why: Splitters are especially insidious because they are so hard to spot. They’re always so congenial and helpful (at least to your face). They always want to protect you and be there when needed.

Transforming splitters into peacemakers, is it possible?

Watch this short video and see what I have to say.

OKAY, you’re wondering what did I do?

I had to call several on my leadership team and ask the pointed questions that were hard to ask and listen to answers that made me sad and uncomfortable.

I had missed the mark by a mile.

Truth telling is freeing. Just remember, sometimes you must dig for the truth. It’s worth it. The thick veil of pollution I had been feeling lately began to lift.

Next, was my discussion with Janice. It didn’t go very well. She claimed I was tormenting her with my questions and was going to sue saying it was a hostile work environment.

She did quit. I was lucky. Her husband was going to be transferred to another part of the country. Our HR partner spoke with her and in a kind way simply told her it would be best to just leave since there were so many who would come forward to respond to her “splitting ways.”

This is one battle never won. From what I hear she leaves shards of glass wherever she goes. Often splitters grew up in families where they learned very early you had to take sides, and yet neither side had any safety. Thus, you play people off to never get caught being the one to get yelled at.

I still hope.

You see, splitters who do see the light of day can transform to become peacemakers. That is my wish for her. She is talented and could be a great force for good. I just missed the signals.

The denier not wanting to see what's going on

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Styles, Patterns

How to know if he or she is a denier

Sylvia Lafair
February 20, 2018

I recently received a curious email asking for help. Most of the time I get questions about work and leadership issues. This one is a bit different however it does fit into the patterns I’ve been discussing on the blog here.

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

You know that last week was Valentine’s Day. Well, you know, and I know. I am recently divorced and one of my co-workers (actually, my supervisor) asked me to go to dinner with him. He is also divorced, and I made sure there was nothing behind the screen for me to worry about. All looked good.

So, I said yes.

We were at a posh place in town and there were hearts filled with Belgian chocolate on each table as a gift from the chef. The maître d wished us a happy Valentine’s Day as he seated us. The wait staff all smiled and talked about the perfect weather for Valentine’s Day.

Got the picture.

Then Mr. Very Smart began making some comments about not knowing it was Valentine’s Day and wondering what the fuss was about. Onto other topics. He commented that the very cold weather in the Eastern U.S. proved all those jerks wrong about global warming. He later said he hadn’t seen his ex-wife nor his teen age children for over a year.

I was getting uncomfortable.

His reason was they were fine without him and children don’t really need two parents.

OK, my question, “Does he fit the description of the denier in your pattern model? If yes, is there hope for him? Can he change? He’s drop dead gorgeous and on his way to a big promotion and when he doesn’t sound like a dumb jerk he’s fun and engaging.”

Signed,

No Time to Waste

Let me tackle the pattern first. Yes, to the denier in him. He’s great at blocking out what is going on in the world (i.e. Valentine’s Day when the whole country is painted in roses, chocolate hearts and red balloons) and global warming which is bigger than a winter snow storm and cold temperatures).

Mostly, I worry about how easily he dismissed his children’s need for their dad. Guess if you got deep into a relationship with him he could dismiss you and your needs pretty fast also.

Deniers often grew up where there was so much turmoil they simply pulled the curtain down and turned to noise off for the sake of survival. And never got out of the place of fear and mistrust.

This video will help a bit.

My question is, how many warning signs do you need to stop you from what could be a painful partnership? That is, unless he is willing to do some heavy emotional lifting to change. You see, Dear, No Time to Waste, unless you are willing to live in a fantasy world with Mr. very Smart, you are destined to a world of disappointment.

Perhaps this video will help.

Best,

Sylvia

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Transforming splitters into peacemakers, is it possible?

Watch this short video and see what I have to say.

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