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Super Achiever at work
Business and Life Patterns, Leadership Styles, Patterns

Diving deep in the World of the Super Achiever

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • November 14, 2017

Lately I’ve been getting lots of questions and frustrated comments about the BIG SHOTS of the world, the super achievers.

Many want to know how to get these blowhards to “zip it” and others want to know how to become larger than life like these often very talented (yet often very insecure) individuals.

So, here is a deep dive into the world of the super achiever.

Examples of the super achiever in action:

Tom is a perfect example. He went to the best schools, Princeton for undergrad and Stanford for grad school. And you must begin to wonder what’s his problem when he needs to mention this in just about every other sentence.

Samantha is another one. She is smart and strong. She got scholarships early on and is now a VP of a pretty well- known consulting organization. “Yes, yes” you say to yourself, “I know where you work, why the need to push it down my throat?”

Beverly has great ideas. How do I know? She starts her conversations by letting you know another great thought will now slip through her lips. So, you best pay attention.

What makes super achievers so annoying? They MUST excel at everything they do. And soon this becomes, to put it mildly, obnoxious. They make Superman and Wonder Woman look like lazy dolts who can’t keep up.

And, not only are they at the top of the pecking order at work, guess what, they have the perfect family. You hear words like “great” and “amazing” and “powerful” and did I say “great?”

Did you ever wonder why these folks are so driven? Here’s what going on behind the gossamer screen. Sadly, these folks are often driving on empty.

If you are a super achiever or if you work or live with one, please be kind.

There are mosquitoes in their successful paradise.

Look, it’s good to strive for excellence. However, having to be the best is an addiction. The need to prove and prove and prove comes from earlier situations where there was some type of humiliation or shame that was often in the family.

Tom has an older brother who is autistic. When he finally went through our Total Leadership Connections Program he was able to connect the sadness in the family, especially the depression his mother suffered helping his brother just get through the day and he was determined to make her proud and happy.

Samantha, with coaching, was able to look back also see how she needed to make her hard-working parents feel pride, that all their sacrifices were well worth it because their daughter is a major success.

Beverly, well, she still needs a hit to the gut. She has no clue that she turns off everyone around her with her know-it-all attitude. She was adopted at birth and still needs to prove to the world she can be accepted. However, her behavior does the opposite. It turns people away (her worst fear).

Watch the video and listen deeply. Know that excellence is a natural state to go toward. Being a super achiever is exhausting and becomes fruitless and tiring over the years.

The good news, super achievers, once they can touch the root of their obsession, become creative collaborators. They include others and find greater satisfaction in being part of a teamrather than “the one and only.”

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The pattern of destructive entitlement
Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

The pattern of destructive entitlement

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • November 7, 2017

Last week I wrote about Harvey Weinstein and the long term cultural reasons for his outlandish manish behavior.

I received so many responses that I see I hit a nerve.

One of you asked some very important questions regarding family. Think, for a minute, about the subtitle of my book “Don’t Bring It To Work,” which says so much: “Breaking The Family Patterns That Limit Success.”

Here is the query from last week.

“What I want to know is WHY? And for you, Sylvia, what is the pattern that leads to this type of behavior? Where is the failure in parenting that potentiates or somehow licenses sexual aggression or disrespect toward women? Or towards men, for that matter, in the case of Kevin Spacey? (He says youth and booze made him do what he doesn’t remember.) Why aren’t mothers and fathers educating their sons in how to behave? Or modeling behavior?

First, let me say I spent a great deal of time reading all I could find about Weinstein’s growing up time. I was looking for the patterns that connect one generation to the next or some crisis that may be at the heart of his behavior.

I also want to go past “powerful men exploiting women.”

Since I never met Weinstein (although he exemplifies how power corrupts) I am going to take some broad strokes and look at our society and the complexities of the parent – child relationship that I hope will stimulate thought and open eyes to new ways of seeing past the obvious of right and wrong, good and bad.

Let me introduce you to the psychological concept of “Destructive Entitlement.”

Entitlement is something earned or believed to be earned by one’s actions. An example would be that John or Joanne did an all-nighter to finish a major project. They then feel entitled to take a few days off after that to chill and recuperate and expect an added bonus for their efforts.

Makes sense.

We are always attempting to balance the scales of fairness. From the time we are children wanting the pie to be cut in exact pieces, to adulthood where we want (and need) recognition for who we are and what we do to be helpful and effective.

Now, on to Destructive Entitlement. Here’s what happens in a family and how this reverberates in society in general.

When individuals (especially children) give without getting any recognition, the seeds of destructive entitlement are sown.

For example, a child of a depressed mother spends all of his/her time worrying about the parent’s welfare. They come home from school to tend to the parent, hoping to make them happy and see them relax. Instead they watch as the parent lies on the sofa, television blaring and alcohol or drugs close by. While they cannot change the scene, they stay attached and over-protective. Perhaps they request help from the father who is absent either emotionally or physically, to no avail.

Fast forward to this youngster as an adult.

Yearning for attention they turn to other women/men to fill the void that was left from being a caretaker as a kid.

I call it “attempting to fill an empty pitcher without a bottom.”

If not checked this behavior searching to fill the pitcher turns into an obsession. Nothing is enough. More sex, more drugs, more money, more adulation.

The pattern that began in childhood is called “parentification.” This means the child becomes the parent to very needy grown-ups. And, sadly, this can go on for generations.

The failure in parenting is when adults who have become parents do not look at their own neediness (one or both parents) and make the necessary changes to help the next generation become whole.

Parents who are not educating their sons (and daughters) about effective behavior are already damaged in their own way.

My suggestion, as many of you know, is to spend the time doing your Sankofa Map and looking at where entitlement can be seen as destructive.

I hope both Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey are afforded the possibility of looking at their family generational patterns that have led them to take what is not theirs via the route of destructive entitlement.

I value your comments and will continue to respond.

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Harvey Weinstein in Cannes
Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

How Harvey Weinstein and His Fellow Abusers Came Into Power

What if we decide to move past the natural temptation to blame and decide instead to seek deeper understanding of how so many men could use power to get what they want (or think they want)?

This is a plea for all the GUTSY WOMEN and GALLANT MEN to help make the changes in our society that will lead to a more honest gender-balanced form of working and living together.

First, let’s take a trip back in time with this question in mind: How did all the Harvey Weinstein’s of the world get their power?

Here’s a brief look at the contributing factors from the past, the patterns, as I like to say, that developed and stay with us even now.

Time travel with me to the 17th Century, the time of Galileo and Newton. That’s when the picture of reality changed, and it changed all of us.

Let me explain: this is the time that man became in charge of the material world and the modern era was launched. The key areas include the scientific method, unlimited material progress, industrialization and pragmatic values.

In the words of author and philosopher Lewis Mumford, “Unbounded power was harnessed to equally unbounded appetites.”

I’m not making this a history lesson, however, so often we forget to go back to see the origins of why we do what we do in the present time. Generational patterns are at play and a full understanding helps to make real and sustainable change possible.

Did you know that in agricultural societies there were often female leaders and these societies were more egalitarian, democratic and peaceful? As industrialization began to flourish and male values of power and money became the underlying theme of success women were often seen as secondary citizens.

When we are programmed from birth to be seen as “less than” we become intimidated. We learn to please and be quiet. To become martyrs who think of ourselves last and deny what we really see before us.

It’s a matter of survival.

In my book GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change you are taken from the stories that were there for you to hear as a child and became embedded into your belief system to now.

Change is in the air.

While I am saddened by Harvey Weinstein’s story as well as so many others that are now coming forward, I am encouraged that women will no longer smile and ignore. The PLEASER of the past becomes the TRUTH TELLER of today.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about how you see CHANGE happening in the workplace towards a more gender balance of power.

 

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What Business Leaders Can Do When The World Seems To Be Falling Apart
Business and Life Patterns, Goals, Leadership

What Business Leaders Can Do When The World Seems To Be Falling Apart

This week’s article is written with deep sadness. The question that so many are asking today, after the devastation in Las Vegas is “When will we ever learn?”

Words fall short.

Does calling the killer evil or insane make a real difference? There always seems to be the next evil, insane one.

The gun lobby says “Well, cars kill so should we ban cars?” We know cars and guns don’t kill. Yet, who is  looking deeply enough at the core reasons people use cars and guns to kill.

Then there are those who say we are free to bear arms, no matter what.

Do you know that there is a larger group of people with guns in the United States (42%) than elsewhere in the world?

Is our way of life only about money and profits and greed?

Here’s where I’m going…. I think there is a crisis of meaning and values and that is what we are up against.

Leaders, listen up.

Here is one of the key questions for today. It’s a question that is begging for a dialogue.

We humans have developed consummate technological capability to do almost anything we can imagine wanting to do. How can we now develop corresponding ability to choose wisely what should be done and how we can support each other and the earth as we move forward.

How do we get past the yes, I am for or the no I am against?

That is such an old model.

Leaders, you can begin the dialogue at work. Start with your leadership team. Set up lunch and learn sessions to discuss the cost of short term objectives that ultimately induce long-term consequences.

Bring in some educators who will take your employees down the path of critical thinking.

It doesn’t matter if you sell shoes or underwear or if you provide services such as mortgages or seo support.

We are all smarter than we realize and when we begin to talk and gather together for the common good, wonders can happen. Is this just a simply, cotton-candy way of looking at the world? I sure hope not.

Here is another vital question.

How can we exercise needed societal control without sacrificing individual liberty?

My part of the puzzle is in relationships.

There are no INDIVIDUAL actions. All actions are inter-related.

Think of it this way. We are born from a relationship (those two-people called mother and father) through a relationship (called giving birth) into a relationship (called caretaking).

All work together. And they are all interactive.

So, let’s stop thinking about individual rights and start a deeper dialogue about relationship rights.

Our dominant materialistic world view and accompanying weakness of values and meaning has led to a very deep human concern — alienation. Most of us are alienated from nature and because of that we ignore the Earth’s life support system, our very survival.

Recent posts I’ve read are about loneliness at work, a place that has become increasingly devoid of meaning.

And at the core, we are alienated from each other and thus, from ourselves.

Leaders, start a discussion group at your organization. Maybe only one or two will show up initially. However, it the time is meaningful the word will spread and you will have employees asking for speakers and reading material.

Everything is connected, and no one wins unless we all do.

 

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Business and Life Patterns

Does Being Positive Make You Healthier?

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • August 3, 2017

I’ve just been thinking about Debbie Downer and Suzie Sunshine.

Who would you rather work with? Executive leaders and those in leadership development need to find a way to work with these two extreme personality types.

When people are always complaining it gets old. However, when someone is always so happy they can’t even notice there’s a hurricane blowing outside, guess what, that gets old too.

Think of it this way, too much of anything becomes toxic. Too much water and you get a flood, too much oxygen and you get brain damage.

Maybe what we are all searching for is what does it mean to be real. That’s the formula for heath and success.

Real means finding the better in the bitter. It also means telling the truth without judgment, blame or attack.

Being real takes practice. it also takes the discipline to look inside yourself and see where the weeds are and start to pull them, one at a time.

Lately, there has been a surge of people buying my book “Don’t Bring It to Work” that discusses how the behavior patterns we learned in the family when we were kids, the behaviors that are deeply embedded in our nervous system play out in present time even when we are not really aware of it.

I asked a few people reading or re-reading the book what they are getting from it. These are people either in executive leadership or developing leaders. The answers fell into two categories

                        1. I’m stuck in my work/home relationships and need to find the missing pieces so I’m reading all I can about self-awareness.

                        2. I have some toxic people at work and I need to find better ways to relate to them. It’s exhausting just to nod my head and pretend it’s ok.  

What do you say, I was asked, to a Debbie Downer who only sees the negative? And believe it or not, Suzie Sunshine who only sees the most superficial positive can also be a drain on relationships.

My answer is the same for both. You ask them, that’s right, you ask them to take some time and come back with 3 (that’s the perfect number) solutions to the problem at hand. Debbie Downer is usually cast as the victim and you can help her become an explorer by looking for solutions rather than just ringing her hands and blaming herself for any and all messes at hand.

Suzie Sunshine is most likely a denier or avoider of issues that can be hard on the emotions. You are helping her face tough stuff rather than run away by putting on rose colored glasses that hide the truth.

Both personalities learned to respond in the extremes of overly bad or overly good in childhood.

You can help them get unleashed from the past by offering them new ways of solving daily issues. Little by little the ties that bind loosen.

To answer the question posed in the title, does being positive make you healthier? The answer is being real is the route to health.

Too much of anything wont work. As Shirley MacLaine once said, “When wallowing in a vat of hot fudge, one yearns for a piece of celery.”

 

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There's no snake oil remedy for success
Business and Life Patterns, Coaching, Leadership

Don’t Believe the Hype…There’s No Snake Oil Remedy for Success

Did you ever look at someone who seems to have it all and begin to shrink yourself down to the size of a pea, feeling worthless?

Do you ever listen to someone who has the answers, I mean the real answers, to health, wealth, and relationships, and feel like a dummy…really less than?

Have you ever felt depressed meeting someone who is taller, thinner, better dressed and felt like a loser, never being good enough?

Look, there’s always a back story and without knowing the underbelly of someone’s life, it’s so easy to put yourself at the back of the pack.

We all do it, or at least those of us who are honest and searching for truth.  Sometimes, we wonder if we are failing, while others are jogging up that mountain of success without missing a beat.

I just had that happen today and it was like a whack on the side of the head, a wake-up call, to be careful not to buy into what looks good on the outside, without checking further.

Snake oil for sale…careful!

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Ask Questions and Beware of Hyphens!
Business and Life Patterns, Communication, Leadership

Ask Questions and Beware of Hyphens!

There’s a great story that has not been validated; however, it’s still a great story about checking up on what’s going on around you.

Back in the day of Queen Catherine the Great, everyone did what she wanted.  Guess that’s why she was called “the Great!”

As legend would have it, this longest ruling female leader would get her way, no matter what.

There had been a hard winter in Russia and one morning Queen Catherine was standing at the window looking at the vast cold terrain and saw the first spring flower pushing through the snow.  It could have been a daffodil or a snowdrop flower.  In any case, she wanted to enjoy this miracle of nature and posted a guard right there, so no one could pick or step on this beauty.

Fast forward to decades later when Alexander II was the Czar in the mid 1800’s.  One day, he looked out of that same palace window and saw a soldier standing at attention on the lawn.  Nothing was there as far as he could see and asked Otto van Bismarck what the soldier was doing there.

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Best at Work
Business and Life Patterns, Coaching, Leadership

Start Being Your Best at Work Today

Let Dr. Transformation Help You Be Your Best!

Dr. Sylvia Lafair, CEO of Creative Energy Options, aka “Dr. Transformation,” wants to help you be your best at work!

Dr. Lafair, along with CEOptions’ panel of Certified Pattern Breakthrough coaches and consultants, can help pinpoint exactly what behaviors are getting in your way and what you can do to help accelerate your success.

Listen to Dr. Lafair here as she speaks via podcast with Annie Jennings of EliteWire online magazine to get a glimpse into how you can get started.  Also, take advantage of Dr. Lafair’s special offer and start being your best at work TODAY!

Want more useful information about leadership? Get Dr. Lafair’s weekly newsletter!

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Restless Patterns
Business and Life Patterns, Coaching, Leadership, Patterns

Restless Patterns

By Frank Walsh | CEOptions Certified Pattern Breakthrough Coach

It’s not you, it’s me… Well it’s also you, but with some guidance I have seen how the patterns of my past influenced our relationship.

I started to feel it in my mid 40’s. Things were different. I had evolved, you had changed. You didn’t make me happy anymore and I started to hate you for it. Still, we had been through a lot, so I didn’t want to quit. I felt I could fix things. I believed you had so much to learn from me if you would just accept it.

By 50 it was all over except the tears. I only saw you as irrational, controlling and heartless. But I know you were just doing what comes naturally, and I was playing my roll of the Rebel. I couldn’t fix you, so I would watch you destroy yourself with smug satisfaction, except that it wasn’t satisfying, it was saddening.

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