Change, Growth, Managing Stress, Stress, Success

How to Move Out of Fear

Sylvia Lafair
April 7, 2020

I am getting the same questions over and over with the same request. “Hey, Dr. Sylvia, what advice do you have to move out of the fear that is rampant these days.”

Comments are so similar. From ones about wasting time to ones about poor sleep or gorging on junk food or drinking too much. Others are about arguing over anything no matter how trivial, to emotional distancing in relationships.

They all seem to boil down to looking fear in the eye and deciding what to do next.

Here is my response after some deep dives into my own pattern of facing fear over the years.

To all who read this: fear is like a family member who lingers too long, who sucks your energy, who can only live (kinda like a virus) with you as the host.

Fear makes us freeze at the sound of a sneeze
Fear makes us hoard toilet paper just in case.
Fear makes us stay glued to our phones to know what is going on.
Fear makes us binge on food, drink, Netflix.
Fear makes us discount anyone who disagrees with us.
Fear makes us feel alone, even when others are within reach.
Fear makes us feel guilty about not caring enough when others are worse off.
Fear makes us judge, blame, and attack so we can feel strong.

You can add to this list from your own experiences.

Here is what happens when you finally tell fear to take a hike. When you can say “Enough, get out, you are no longer welcome here. You are boring because your stories are all the same.”

When you can do a pattern interrupt.

What happens next?

We start to move.
We move our bodies by taking walks, doing yoga, or jogging in place
We move our minds by reading, yes reading books that have been gathering dust.
We move our emotions by reaching out to family, friends, neighbors.
We move our desire to always be right by checking for facts.
We move away from the refrigerator knowing we’re not all that hungry.
We move into times of silence, just because it feels good.
We move to show compassion to those who are held down by limiting beliefs.
We move to find new skills that were dormant inside of us.
We move to ask for help when we forget to move.

And here is what happens then:

We step out of the box.
We step into possibilities we never thought existed.
We being to live and love and care and dance and sing in ways that never seemed possible.

And what happens then?

We grow. We grow. We grow.

And, after the fear loses its power and all the efforts to move take hold, what happens then?

We finally can make a difference in ways that amaze and satisfy.

Keep going and keep growing.

Business, Change, Growth, Managing Stress

Finding Peace of Mind During These Uncertain Times

Sylvia Lafair
March 18, 2020

Here is one email among many that are all requesting the same thing: peace of mind. Here is the email and how I responded.

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I am almost frozen with fear. The news is awful, my health is fair, my finances are poor and my ability to look at this time as a “learning experience” is dwindling.

I can barely talk with my employees and stay positive. At home I have the patience of an inch worm.

How the hell do I climb out of this dark place? It looks like the bad news will keep going and going. I need to know what is happening in the world; however I really want to stop getting information since none of it looks good.

I keep talking to myself and attempting to think positive thoughts. Nothing is working. Any suggestions?

Signed,

Unhappy and unlucky

Dear Unhappy and unlucky,

You are speaking for most of us in these days of walking in the unknown. Is this a moment in time or is it Armageddon?

What comes to mind is what my dear teacher, Ram Dass used to say when asked what to do if things are really bad.

He said if it is just a moment in time “I center myself, do my best to be of service and live in the moment.”

And if it is the worst of times, he said “I center myself, do my best to be of service and live in the moment.”

I know this may not make you happy and lucky, and yet, it is the best advice I have right now.

If you are in a leadership position or an emerging leader you do need to take some deep breaths shake off the fear and be a model for others to emulate.

Here are a few suggestions:

Take time to be quiet and recalibrate.

Fear has a way of expanding into the “what if” area and the end result is “we’re all gonna die.” Then we give up, curl into a ball and wait for the worst to happen. Recalibrate. Rethink. Reengage. Yes, we’re all gonna die sooner or later. However, that is NOT the issue at hand.

It’s about finding the “pony in the manure pile.” (If you don’t know the story it’s about a little boy who is sure the pony he dreamed of getting for his birthday is there, yes there somewhere in that pile of manure).

Check your emotional temperature:

Often fear in the present is part of your past story or else part of the story from your ancestors. You do not have to repeat the story of generations gone by in the same way they did. Think about those in your family who had to endure war or a recession or serious health issues.

How did they handle trying times? Learn from them. You can change the pattern to a more positive one once you become a detective and ask about their stories.

Focus on a routine for your health:

Think before you eat or drink just to gain comfort. Sometimes the best comfort is a piece of fruit rather than a martini or glass of wine. Indulge if you must in the mashed potatoes or macaroni or pasta that remind you of easier childhood times.

However, make sure you drink water, and again, from childhood, eat your veggies.

Reach out and touch someone:

In this virtual world where social distancing is a way of being responsible please find someone you can email or call (hearing someone’s voice can be super comforting) and just say two things, ask how they are and then ask how you can be of help.

Doing for others is a way of feeling good about you too.

There is a quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt that sums up what you, as a leader need to remember today and tomorrow and then the next day “Women (all people) are like tea bags. You can’t tell how strong they are until they are in hot water.”

This is a time to think about how you and you and you, all of us begin to understand that “we’re all in it together and no one wins unless we all do.”

We are hopefully finally moving from a ‘me” to a “we” world that is just now coming into focus. Let’s all do our part and not let fear freeze us.

To your success,

Sylvia

Change

What Is Your AQ?

Sylvia Lafair
December 30, 2019
adaptability quotient, Change, practice change

Hi! Sylvia Lafair here from Bangkok, Thailand. And what I’d like to do is welcome all of us to this new decade, the 2020s! And the big question for us now is going to be, how does your AQ, not your IQ, not your EQ.

Your AQ, which is your adaptability quotient. And being here in Thailand, it’s been an incredible experience to be able to kind of figure out what people are saying in a language that is pretty far into us to do this, which has been the most fun thing. Let me see if I get this up properly working with the elephants.

It’s just been an incredible experience.

We came here to see what it was like to be in a different environment and really spending a day with these beautiful, beautiful elephants who are in a reserve specially, set for them. So, they can be nurtured and cared for Riding on their backs, they don’t really like that but we were able to feed them. We were able to wash them. We were able to just simply communicate with them. And what I’d like to do is suggest to each of you that in this decade of change, you do something different. Have to go all the way to Thailand to pad an elephant , you can simply walk outside, turn to somebody you don’t know and say hello.

What we’re talking about now is, doing something different. That’s what change is all about and one of the issues with change that we have had experiences with, is that, we only change when we’re forced to. When something is happening. We lose a job. Our health changes. A relationship changes and therefore, I’m suggesting that we begin to practice change. Practice it every day. Do one thing differently. One that’s all I’m asking is one thing differently turn to somebody if you walk down the street or if you ride a bus or a train to work or go into a city or if you’re in the supermarket. Turn to somebody near you and simply say, “Hi! How are you?” That’s all you have to do, is do it differently.

If you’re Pro not to talk to people, talk to them. If you talk to them all the time, just be quiet and observe.

What I’m suggesting is this time this decade. This necessary time of change is within each of us to do so.

We have had an incredible time here in in Thailand, understanding the nature of things.

I will send some beautiful pictures when we get back next week, and I want to wish you all an incredible prosperous exciting year ahead. A year where we can learn and grow and be together, where we can learn to be the best leaders. We can be the best followers. We can be and all I’m suggesting is each day, do one thing. One thing could be something simple if you normally brush your teeth with your right hand and I’m right-handed, do it with your left hand. If you’re stirring a pot of over with your right hand, do it with your left hand or reverse it all.

I’m saying, is each day do one thing to begin to activate that AQ, that adaptability quotient and have a wonderful exciting time. Finding new ways to do things, the old things, the old ways have to change.

Thank you so much and blessings to all of you.

Business and Life Patterns, Change, Coaching, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Success

Is it Really the Season of Joy and Fun?

Sylvia Lafair
December 4, 2019

It’s officially the season of joy and fun…Or is it?

We are programmed to be happy, merry, and filled with love and appreciation. So, why are there so many who have inherited a black cloud filled with rain or snow that clings no matter what?

If so, you are not alone. Make you feel better?

It’s good to be in the majority for many things, right? Yet, it’s better to be in the elite 1% who can get past self-doubt, anxiety, fear, and frustration to enjoy the days ahead.

If your bad habits get in the way of achieving your goals, or past negative experiences keep playing over and over in your head, or your glass (no matter how big) is always seen as half empty, give yourself the gift of time to break free of all the accumulated crap that holds you back.

New perspectives are not that hard to develop. It just takes intention and focused time. You need both.

Look, think of it this way.

Would you wear the same clothes every day, without changing even your underwear?

Would you eat only hamburgers breakfast, lunch, and dinner for months at a time?

Would you say “yes” to everyone without thinking of the consequences?

Of course not. You’re not that stupid…

However, if the same upsets keep repeating and repeating, it’s time to polish the mirror and take a deeper look. If you don’t, here is how the first year of the new decade will play out.

You’ll continue to procrastinate, and goals won’t get accomplished. You’ll hide behind a fake smile and still feel like an imposter. You’ll still reach for the anti-acid to push the anxiety down and still have a stomach ache.

So, make this your time of change. Give yourself the gifts of focused time and intention.

Read a book that will help you say to yourself “Oh, now I get it.” Watch a film that will help you find the courage to speak up rather than retreat. Call someone who can help you find a new and more interesting path.

I’d like you to consider watching my webinar about change: https://www.ceoptions.com/gutsymasterclass

Right now, it’s for women, although men who have watched said it really helped them see the females in their lives from a clearer perspective as well as their own shortcomings.

Each day offers the opportunity to change.

Take advantage of the morning light to take new steps to make your life full of happiness, merriment, joy, and appreciation.

CLICK HERE and find the 5 shifts for a fuller, richer life. It’s not magic. However, the results are magical.

Change, Coaching, Patterns

From Mad to Glad

Sylvia Lafair
December 3, 2019
behavior change, behavior patterns, mad to glad

So, let me ask you? What do you do when you get so foot-stomping angry, that were pounding your handle in a desk, that you just say: ‘They’re driving me crazy! He’s driving me crazy! She’s driving me crazy! They’re driving me crazy! What do you do? Well, let me tell you, there is an ark that you have to go to get to glad.

So, you can start with mad, and what you, do is take a deep five second breath, take a deep breath, hold it for five seconds let it out and say, ‘Where else have I had this feeling in my life?’ Just check it it’s somewhere else. Someone else and then you can begin to look at the relationship that you have in front of you. Usually, when we get really angry and here’s the clue. If it lasts more than five seconds, you better look back. Look elsewhere to find out what’s going on.

Now, from mad, you can go to side and inside. You can begin to look at how you and the other person or people are relating. Jot it down.

We know that journaling makes a difference. We know it’s good for a healthy heart. We know that already there’s research about it. So, go and jot down all the things that make you sad, not mad.

The mad is going to get in the way. What makes you sad? What I can’t the relationship work? Why aren’t they listening to me? What’s in the way of success in this? Why can’t my four-year-old just go to bed and be quiet? Why can’t my teenagers stop eating all the sugar stuff? Even though, I keep telling her it’s poison, poison, poison? Why doesn’t my husband ever do the dishes? You know it all. Why does my boss always ask me for things at the last minute? Why does my colleague always beg me to come over and help with her computer mess? Why?

You can go to side and what you do is look at the other person and begin to construct a sentence. Two sentences, three sentences and I’ve been giving you this in little clues over the weeks, but the words I wonder and I’m curious. They’re magic words. They take us back to our childhood where we were wondering, where we were curious. Are you still wondering and curious the minute you ask that of someone else? It kind of connects you at a different level. Oh! They don’t want to yell and scream at me. They just want to know something and the relationship can begin to develop now.

That’s just a beginning in my program, ‘The Gutsy Women’, women program. You’re going to get all the tools you need to be able to learn communication skills, but what I’m doing now? I have a pre-christmas gift for you. So, going from mad, take a breath, go to sad. Begin to look at the other person. Ask questions and then you can go to glad because you’ll be able to resolve conflicts that much easier.

Now, back to my gift for today. I would like to send to those of you who really would like it. The gift of my ebook, ’79 Power Sentences’ It’s really a great way to give you kind of a product. Have these words in your mind when you begin to speak. When you’re ready to have a conversation. When you can get from mad to sad to glad. It’s a great process to learn, so that you don’t waste all that energy.

We know that anger. We know that anger has impact on us physically. We know sadness does. I’m giving you some tools here, so that we can bypass some of these stages of upsets and not have to depend on something else outside of us, pills or not talking to somebody for the rest of your life.

All of that stuff doesn’t work. What works is to figure out where it comes from. Why the other person is involved with you. What to do about it and then have a conversation. Yes, a conversation. I promise it will make a difference. You will begin to see people differently. So, that’s it for today.

My gift, ’79 Power Sentences’.

I did a lot of research on it it’s kind of an interesting short ebook, but I believe it will help you. So, if you are interested, email me. Let me know. I’d love to send it as a pre-christmas gift, pre-Hanukkah gift, pre-happy gift, free everything gift to all of you out there.

Thanks ladies. Talk soon.

Change, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Success

Time for a Change?

Sylvia Lafair
November 13, 2019

Time for a change? Not quite ready? Does life feel confining? Spinning your wheels?

That’s what I’m hearing from so many clients these days. Complaints range from climate change to politics, to getting ready for the holidays. Everyone seems just a bit more on edge than only a few months ago when the longer days of summer made life feel easier.

These times of higher stress are here to push all of us out of the summer comfort zone to start moving in new directions.

Old behavior is confining. Thus, we are given a great opportunity to make changes, even if we initially resist.

Sometimes it happens when a job offer backfires, or when a manuscript is rejected. Sometimes, it’s because of a health scare, or a fire or ……. (fill in your worst nightmare).

Change can be frightening. Or change can be energizing.

Let a lobster be your guide for making a change in a positive manner. Yes, a lobster. You see, you and a lobster are similar. “How” you ask? You both make vital changes throughout the life cycle.

When you are in a time and place that needs change, needs expansion, be like a lobster and molt!

When life gets too tight, the lobster goes to a quiet place and sheds its shell. This is called ecdysis, for those who love scientific terms. The overall term for this shedding is called molting.

Think of the hard shell of the lobster and then see that your hard shell is the environment you live in along with all the old, ingrained patterns of thinking and behaving that make up your mindset.

Times have changed and you want to change with them. You need and want to release old patterns and habits that don’t work for you anymore.

This is where learning from the lobster is critical.

When change is in the air you become vulnerable. It’s best to find a safe, quiet place. Then give yourself the room to heal from the old and make room for the new.

More about the lobster.

When the new shell is in place, the lobster once again, is strong and can do whatever it is lobsters do.

Now about you.

When you break free from old patterns and cast off your old shell, you will begin to find new meaning in your life. This is the time to get a coach, go to a seminar, talk with a friend. It’s time to go slow to get strong. Then, like the lobster you can do whatever you want to do.

Change, Confidence, Gutsy, Leadership

5 Steps to Get Yourself Out of Overwhelm

Sylvia Lafair
October 15, 2019
changes, Leadership, overwhelm

Use these 5 steps to get yourself out of overwhelm…

In this broadcast I cover:

What you, as a leader, can do to get more energy, confidence, focus, and ease by making some simple changes.

I share the specific, time tested tips on how to move past frustration and anger when demands on you seem impossible.

Change, Confidence, Growth, Human Capital Management, Success

The Gratitude Intervention Challenge

Sylvia Lafair
September 18, 2019

When was the last time you practiced gratitude? This post is all about the power of gratitude and my invitation to join me on a gratitude intervention challenge.

“Yesterday was a soggy day, with non- stop rain and draining humidity” began an email I received with the subject title of “What a happy day.”

It didn’t make sense…

It was a long, detailed email about work difficulties and disappointments. Until the end. And then I thought, “OKAY, I get it now.”

I’ll skip all the complaints and go right to the punch line.

“So, Sylvia, I was standing at the bottom of the Macy’s escalator waiting for my husband who was taking forever to get a new pair of jeans. I was frustrated and miserable. I hated work, I hated me. As I leaned on the jewelry counter thinking every negative thing I could about me, my life, the state of the world, the amount of time I was wasting waiting here, when a kid walked over, he must have been about eleven years old.

His smile was infectious.

He leaned toward me and said ‘You really look great today. I mean, you really look great!’ And with that he did a perfect pivot and before I could even say ‘huh?’ he was gone.

My husband descended the escalator and greeted me with ‘Well, you sure look happy now. Did you buy something special?”

I was still processing that moment of unexpected appreciation and all I could muster was ‘Didn’t buy anything special. I was given something special.”

Here is my response to my client:

“I’m glad you are working through all the messy issues at work. And hooray for that mysterious little boy. He gave you, now, all of us, a precious gift.

I call this a GRATITUDE INTERVENTION CHALLENGE and I suggest we all lift our gratitude quotient by doing what that little boy did. Reach out and touch someone.

Give gratitude, acknowledgment, appreciation, thanks to someone who doesn’t expect it.

What will that do for you? What will that do for the other person? What will that do for our very contentious world that needs more positive, creative energy?

It will make you feel better and hopefully the other person also.

The Gratitude Intervention Challenge

Acknowledge someone who annoys you or you feel betrayed you at work. Maybe it’s someone who is the office gossip, or the bully who made you look stupid on purpose or, the over the top pleaser who stepped in with a smile to get the plum assignment meant for you.

Think about that person for a moment…They may:

See you as a threat
Be miserable inside themselves
Want to be your friend and feel inadequate
Have serious health issues
Be in relationship difficulties

Now, find something you can acknowledge them for.

Come one, you can find at least one thing. Then ask if they can meet for a few minutes and ask them where they would like to meet. Ask them, don’t tell them. Giving gratitude and learning to understand each other is at the core of great leadership.

I’d love to hear the results. Do what scares the crap out of you and strengthen your gratitude muscle.

Remember, the tiniest effort can have a huge impact.

Change, Coaching, Confidence, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Success

Giving thanks can transform your life

Sylvia Lafair
August 20, 2019

Giving thanks can transform your life, so let me start by expressing some gratitude and share some bits of wisdom that can help you feel more gratitude and appreciation for all that you have in this post.

First, let me say “Thank You” to all of you who are part of my newsletter network.

Secondly, let me invite all the women here to join my Women Leaders Inner Circle Group on Facebook. It would mean a lot to me to have you as part of the membership there. (Sorry men, I will have more for you when the Total Leadership Connections Program goes on-line in the fall).

Thirdly, I would like to say how much I appreciate my Pattern Breakthrough Coaches who make a difference for so many. You can see who they are here.

Fourthly, I’d like to talk about the role of gratitude in our world of “stuff and nonsense.”

I recently did a Facebook Live where I talked about 3 mental/emotional strength training exercises to help you go from overwhelmed to energized.

Several people messaged me to say that they had forgotten how important it is to appreciate even the smallest things in life that seem so insignificant until that is, you really look at what matters.

That led me to remember what renowned Vietnamese Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh said many years ago at a meditation retreat I attended at the Plum Village Monastery in France. It is a big/small story about gratitude and the small/big stuff of life.

During the dark days of the Viet Nam War, there was little to appreciate.

Life was about just getting through, moment by moment.

Chang Kung, one of the Buddhist nuns came to Thay (which means teacher) and

expressed her weariness and despair at the pain and suffering she saw around her.

Thay suggested she give gratitude. Chan Khong was so overwhelmed and exhausted

she could not think of even one thing for which to be grateful.

Thay said to pay attention and something would reveal itself.

Later that day she was walking near a river wondering how much more she could do to

help the hurting and frightened people in the midst of war.

She looked down at the mud under her feet, wanting to be careful not to slip.

And then it happened.

Let me stop for just a moment to underline the power of living in the moment. It’s not easy since our minds will make up so many stories based on fear, revenge, guilt, anger, and righteousness. However, the more we practice living in the moment, the more that can be revealed to us. Here’s what happened for Chan Khong.

In the midst of the muddy mess, she looked over and saw a tiny red flower growing from

the side of a small rock.

That’s it!

No big deal, just a tiny red flower growing from the side of a small rock. Yet, What Chan Khong said to Thay about this moment is so special, it’s about the power of gratitude that we can all learn from.

She said that at that moment, hope returned inside her, thinking that if a tiny flower

can bloom so beautifully in the muck of war, so too could she continue to bloom

and help those around her.

She was able to look at the tiny red flower and show gratitude for its courage to

live and bloom.

She knew, in that moment, she too could live and bloom.

Gratitude can be exchanged for self-pity. It can make you feel better physically, emotionally and mentally. I suggest you spend the first 5 minutes, before you get out of bed in the morning, and give gratitude each day to three people or situations that make a difference for you.

Giving thanks can transform your life.

Business, Change, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Success

My Radical Sabbatical Update

Sylvia Lafair
July 17, 2019

Several months ago, I took a ‘radical sabbatical’ to recalibrate and decide on the next steps for my career. I must admit, that one month now seems like several years ago.

Why?

Because I wanted to do something new and different and I wasn’t sure what that was. I found myself floundering and I couldn’t decide. I was stalled. My mind was like an old gerbil wheel and it kept going faster with no real insights about what road to take.

I was in analysis paralysis.

I took that month of no writing and minimal coaching and absolutely no new projects. Until…

I finally decided it was time to put all my long-term programs online and offer them to a larger audience around the world.

I am delighted with the decision. It took till the end of the second week of my radical sabbatical to find my new path and I couldn’t be happier.

I have been learning so much about best practices for marketing material and in doing so, I am also learning to see my work in a new and different way.

I also learned a faster and simpler way to new ways of thinking that I want to share with you here.

Stay with me, please….

Imagine sitting at the edge of a lake with your feet dangling in the water. It’s sunset and the sky is filled with pink, fluffy clouds. It is quiet.

You are alone. Just you, bullfrogs, the butterflies, and the breeze.

You breathe in the clean country air. At first, your mind is still on the latest frustration at work, the conflicts and tensions of getting things done. You are aware of the stress in your shoulders as you reenact the ‘shoulds, coulds, and didn’ts ‘ that put your stomach in a knot.

You are ready for, if not a radical sabbatical, at least for a time to unplug and relax.

Here are some tips to help you take a short holiday from your everyday trials and tribulations. And the good news is, you can do this every day to refuel and revision what you need to do next.

You can take your mind for a walk in the park, a moment at the lake, a day at the beach and yes, you can do this without leaving your desk.

How to take a mini radical sabbatical

Twenty minutes: This is the time science has shown it takes for you to calm your thoughts. You can call it meditation or simply being silent. All you need to do is focus on your breath; in through your nose and out through your mouth. Simply say “in” as you inhale and “out” when you exhale. You will begin to relax and very shortly the tension will melt from your body. Then you magically make space for new ideas to appear and old issues become easier to solve.
Ten minutes: Get up on your feet. Now it’s time to walk. Anywhere is fine. Just focus on your feet. Notice how you put each foot on the earth. Start with your heel and then slide to your toe. Notice if you put different pressure on your right or left foot. Go slowly and simply say “right “and then “left.” You will soon get into a comfortable rhythm and for 10 minutes you can simply be anywhere on the planet you prefer. AND, if possible, walk barefoot in the grass. This has been shown to really help with health and well-being.
Five minutes: Hummmmm. Yup, keep your mouth closed and start to hum. Play with different octaves. Start low and go high or vice versa. You may even get a bit dizzy, enjoy the feeling. You are really giving yourself an oxygen boost. When you stop, you’ll feel energized.

You don’t need six months or even a week to feel different. You need just a bit over half an hour to be by yourself and get centered. Most of us don’t take the time to readjust our nervous systems.

See this as your radical sabbatical and let me know how you feel.

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How to take a mini radical sabbatical

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