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      choosing what really matters
      Change, Growth, Gutsy

      What really matters

      • Sylvia Lafair
      • May 22, 2019

      This week’s article is a bit different. It’s about how all of us, you and you and you and I, can ignite a new dialogue about what really matters.

      Now, this is not a preachy, sermon type blog. It’s about rethinking the patterns of behavior that are getting in the way of successful relationships.

      I believe we are in a transition period about what matters and are looking for ways to liberate ourselves from old constraints.

      Nothing in history suggests that a transition from power to partnership, from greed to sharing, from bullying to kindness is likely to be smooth. To the contrary, this transition seems to be characterized by social and political disruption.

      The underlying cause of the divisiveness is fear.

      It’s up to us to keep the levels of fear and anxiety down through raising the levels of understanding about the vital need for transformation at this point in history. When fear is loud and strong most of us begin to cringe and yearn for the ‘good old days.’  

      My daughter sent me a Facebook post that sums up how so many of us feel as the #metoo movement has morphed into a mighty battle over abortion rights. The post said:

                                                           Time zones are interesting:             

                                                           In Australia, it is already tomorrow,

                                                           In London it is midnight

                                                           And in the USA it’s 1928!

      Look, we can all stay in the battleground of ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ and keep the ancient conversation going about who has the power to make decisions and what happens to those who disagree. All is still based on a power paradigm and I would like to add my voice with a different perspective.

      The founder of the Department of Sociology at Harvard University, Pitirim Sorokin searched for the deeper patterns that lay beneath the surface of the calamities of war he had experienced. He suggested that much of history fits a pattern of cyclical rise and fall of two basic known value systems that he termed “ideational” and “sensate.”

      Ideational values develop from individual inner work and have a spiritual component, this is found in the thinking that there are values that transcend the physical world and go beyond the physical senses. The other value system, the sensate, believes that only what can be perceived with the senses has any reality.

      There is a third value system that represents the harmonious blending of spiritual and sensory values. This is the integral system that takes the best of both and weaves them together. This is where a deeper understanding of relationships is required.

      Sorokin’s analysis, written almost 90 years ago suggested that the sensate system of the 20th Century would soon come to an end. That was before plastic was choking our oceans and the divide between the haves and have nots was not as clear as it is today. He was right.

      He felt there was a possibility of a new world view that could focus on “the techniques of altruistic transformation” by increasing the world’s supply of creative, unselfish love.

      I suggest that while the #metoo movement has been a wake-up call for GUTSY WOMEN around the world to speak out, and while the issue of women’s right to choose is front and center today, the underlying issue for all of us is to take a deep dive into relationships.

      This is my work, my passion.

      To look at what has been handed to us from generation to generation as ways to behave and begin a deeper critical thinking dialogue about what is needed for now and the future.

      What if, as John Lennon’s song says, we begin to IMAGINE a new, braver world where we take the time to dialogue about what is the meaning of love, the various types of love that we need for our survival, and make it clear that we are all connected and no one wins unless we all do.

      It takes GUTSY WOMEN and BOLD MEN to stand strong. Become part of the solution.

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      how to make positive change happen
      Business, Change, Confidence

      How to make positive change happen

      • Sylvia Lafair
      • September 18, 2018

      How do we make positive change happen?

      I want to start by thanking all of you who responded to my post last week about Taking a New View of Leadership where I talked about my personal reaction to the Auschwitz Exhibition in Madrid Spain.  

      Watching, with renewed anger, the human inhumanity of so many decades ago that still persists today,  and wondering if we can really make positive change happen has me thinking…

      What is the way OUT?

      In my book, Don’t Bring It To Work  I talk about ingrained, outdated behavior patterns that get in the way of success by Observing, Understanding and Transforming what we learned as kids and what no longer works for us as adults.

      As is often the case with negative behavior, fear is the root.

      We keep repeating what we did as children that kept us safe, after all, we are still here, right? Therefore, making change is threatening.

      Often, we smile and nod and say, “Sure, I’ll give that a try” and then we keep on doing the same old thing over and over.  That’s not a good way to make positive change happen.

      When offered new communication skill training most will do it for a bit, and then slide back to what is familiar and comfortable.

      Here is from my experience the best way to make positive change happen:

      PEP TALK: That stands for Pattern Encounter Process.

      It means doing some role play to practice new ways of communicating with those who push your buttons, set off your triggers. Before you talk for real with that annoyingly irritating person find a friend and practice what you want to say. Notice when you feel the fear start to enter the conversation. Go ahead, push past the desire to back off, be polite, be superficial. After all, remember, this is only a practice session. And then practice a few more times.

      In my book Don’t Bring it To Work, on pages 157-160 are the communication skill methods that have helped so many leaders over the years. There is no substitute for practice when it comes to real and lasting change. You simply can’t “think your way” into change. You need to do something to get muscle memory into your body.

      When you feel yourself saying, “This is boring” or “I’m fine the way I am” or “Nothing will change no matter what I say” keep practicing. The thousands who have learned to do a PEP TALK, to get beyond resistance, have moved to new levels of success personally as well as professionally.

      You all know that joke that is really a basic truth “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” And the answer is Practice, damn it, practice.  That is the best way to make positive change happen.

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      A Carwash for Your Brain
      Business, Change

      New…A Carwash for Your Brain

      • Sylvia Lafair
      • August 7, 2018
      • Business, Change

      Do you go through an internal battle when it’s time for a change? Do others resist your new attitudes and behaviors? Do you just want to go back to the good old days and stay in your zone of comfort?

      Here is what I received from a colleague who was promoted to a senior leadership role talking about his discomfort as he navigates new territory.

      Dear Sylvia,

      Hope all is good with your move to California full time. I would like some help. What  I really want is a pacifier and a baby blanket. However, I’ll settle for some words of wisdom.

      You know how amazingly happy I was to get the promotion to senior VP. I knew it was time and I knew I would do a great job. However, now that I’m in that bigger boss place for several months it’s not all sunshine and roses.

      It seems I’m not getting the support I thought I would get. I even hear that damn gossip grapevine loudly whispering that I’m not as good as they all thought I would be. I feel alone and yes, abandoned by folks who I thought were my friends.

      Not sure which way to turn.

      Signed,

      Life Not Beautiful

      Here is my response to Life Not Beautiful

      Sounds like you’re stuck in the past. Yes, you were super successful and now it’s time for some major changes. I think you will find my webinar “Give Change a Chance” very eye-opening. You see, we all have the battle to fight to get to the next level of personal and professional development.

      Think what it was like going from middle school to high school or high school to college, or college to work. You get what I mean.

      I think when change is in the air we all need a “car wash for the brain!” Time to get the old, encrusted ways of thinking and responding washed away.

      As you develop your leadership skills you need to find new and more effective ways to communicate. Many of your colleagues may have loved your ability to tell lively stories (you do have a way with words) and now, you just don’t have the same amount of time. Even more important, you have to change how you relate to those who now report to you. The quality of the relationships will change and you need to be ready for this.

      Here’s how crazy hard it is to implement change even when you know it’s time for a change.

      A study was done years ago about the quality of care received in hospitals in the middle of the night by tired interns and residents. It was not good. Many mistakes happened some life-threatening. Yet, it wasn’t until 2003 that congressional legislation required the interns and residents to work an 80- hour week rather than the insane 120 hours most had been clocking.

      Pushback came from older physicians who were annoyed with the legislation saying “If it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for them.”

      Change is tough and it is natural to go through a battle internally when it’s time for a change. Yet, looking at what is going on and doing it differently is the only real way for ultimate success. So, get a copy of the webinar and give me a call for a strategy session to help you find the best route to navigate your new leadership position.

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      Change

      Leadership Strategies: Letting change take you where you need to go

      • Sylvia Lafair
      • May 22, 2018

      An email I received recently got me to thinking, again, about change.

      It’s truly all you have , any day, every day. And yet, it causes constant stress and anxiety. Here’s what was sent to me:

      Dear Dr. Sylvia,

      I know some people call you Dr. Transformation which implies you are a master of letting change take you where you need to go. And that you teach the tricks of healthy change. I need some answers. I hope you have them.

      I’m having a tough time with the whole issue of why change is can be so depressing. It was suggested I (like so many of my colleagues) take anti-anxiety meds. I don’t want to go that route.

      Here’s my angst in a nutshell. My company was recently bought and my services in the marketing department will no longer be needed. I have a pretty good six month severance and a few months of transition before I will be out for good.

      I’m angry and especially I am fearful.

      What if I can’t land another job? I’ll just be sitting home tooling around on the computer and watching all the TED talks I’ve missed.

      My wife is a great cheerleader and thinks my fears are unfounded. I’m good at what I do, so I’ve been told. And yet….. and yet…. I grew up in a family where work began in my teens and the message was “You’re not worth anything unless you’re working.”

      Any suggestions?

      Signed,

      I Am What I Do

       

      Dear What You Do,

      You hit the first issue. In our culture we are judged and rated by our work ethic and experience. And then we don’t have time to answer the question “Who are you?” We just talk about what we do.

      Take a deep breath please. You gave me a good idea of why you are so anxious. It’s what you were taught as a kid. Doing is what counts.

      Now, don’t get me wrong. Working and producing and achieving brings out the creative aspects of who we are. However, when change comes jogging along in your life, it’s a golden opportunity to think about who you are.

      Here’s a way to look at change that may be your doorway to transformation.

      Transformation is merely change that sticks. Read over this and get back to me and let me know where you fit. Then we can do a deep dive into what you need for next steps.

       Categories of Change

      Cowards
      (20%)

      Avoid change
      Rigid thinkers
      Ignore advice  
      Disinterested in new learning
      Walk away from the new
      Blame others
      Medicate anxiety
      Deniers/Avoiders/Victims

      Curious
      (60%)

      Need reasons for change
      Flexible, need discussion
      Listen before deciding
      Want more facts
      Need encouragement  
      Look for solutions, not blame
      Look for best options
      Procrastinators/Pleasers

      Champions
      (20%)

      Always willing to change
      Idea creators
      Advice seekers
      Self learners
      Willing to jump and risk
      Observe whole system
      Self-medicate/meditate
      Super achievers/ Rebels

      I suggest all of you see where you fit. My upcoming webinar will consider what you need to do to be a highly effective change agent and not let change freeze new possibilities.

      Best,

      Sylvia

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      Woman thinking about new year new you concepts
      Business, Change, Growth, Leadership

      Five Steps for a New Year…New You

      • Sylvia Lafair
      • January 2, 2018

      New Year, New You…

      Isn’t that what most of us want to believe?

      That if we start each year with a boatload of positive promises to ourselves, well, at least a few will stick, and we will be better people at the end of the year.

      Here is another way to think about this very promising month of January 2018.

      That there will be ONE, that’s all, just ONE area of concentration to make change happen.

      I suggest you do the following…

      Go back and look at one person who you find annoying. It can be a parent, your boss, a sibling, a co-worker, a neighbor. Come on, I bet you can find that someone who makes your insides curdle.

       Step 1: Now, sit quietly and observe what it is about them that makes you want to scream or tell them to “zip it” or find a way to get as far from them as possible.

       Step 2: Put your hand on your gut (read my INC article about your second brain) and sit quietly as you let yourself go back to another time when you had that same feeling of discontent or anguish or concern and see what shows up. It may be with someone else from earlier in your life.

      Step 3: Put the puzzle pieces together. Realize that what is bothering you in your present relationship may well be residual feelings from an earlier time in your life.

      Step 4: Begin the transformative journey to rethink the relationship with Mr. or Ms. Annoying. Yes, you can see the present person differently. Don’t give up.

      Step 5: Be courageous and have a real, heartfelt conversation before the month of January is over. No, you don’t have to tell them you had prior thoughts about what a jerk he or she is (make that was). Just that you would like a more positive and healthy relationship as the year moves forward.

      Do this once a month and I guarantee that by the end of 2018 you will have a fan base that will amaze you, as well as more powerful and productive personal and professional relationships.

      Want to do a deeper dive into great relationships? Read my book, “Don’t Bring It To Work” as well as Eugene Gendlin’s book “Focusing” for more information about the way OUT of old, ingrained behavior patterns that get in the way of success.

      Here’s to a profitable and positive year.

      Best,

      Sylvia

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      Rebel Turned Community Builder in business
      Business, Business and Life Patterns, Change, Leadership, Leadership Styles, Patterns

      Rebels Turned Community Builders

      • Sylvia Lafair
      • November 21, 2017

      Let’s look at the difference between a rebel who fights for what is right and how that rebel can turn into a community builder, helping all of us move to new heights of thinking beyond just right and wrong.

      I specifically want to look at the women of today who are saying “no more!” It’s a watershed time for women to be GUTSY and no longer sit on the sidelines.

      No More What?

      No More staying silent and hoping others will make things better.

      We are at an important place of major change. If all the women, who have stood up and been strong rebels, can band together with men who are willing to look beyond the obvious and become community builders, the changes can have long standing impact.

      In my research the one thing that stands out for so many to stay quiet is good old basic fear.

                      Fear of physical attack

                      Fear of abandonment

                      Fear of rejection

                      Fear of being humiliated

                      Fear of taking charge

      Underneath all the fear is the hopelessness that whatever is done will not really change the patterns of the past where women were often second- class citizens. While many remain silent, others become the rebels, the champion of breaking outdated patterns.

      Here are two rebels speaking out about the ravages of sexual harassment that is all over the news now.

      Sarah Silverman, a strong- willed rebel who chose the field of comedy to paint a bold picture of today’s life, talked about her close friend Louis CK. “I believe that this moment in time is essential. It’s vital that people are held accountable for their actions no matter who they are. We need to be better. We will be better. I can’t wait to be f—king better.”

      In a recent appearance on Today, Jon Stewart, one of the rebel pioneers willing to take on the affronts of daily life through comedy, was asked about his reactions to Louis CK’s sexual harassment scandal. Stewart was pensive when he answered with a truth that is critical for today’s changes, saying that men have been in charge for a very long time and now there is a need for exploration of different ways of behaving.

      Two excellent examples, a GUTSY woman and a BOLD man going past judgment, blame and attack.

      What makes a rebel speak out?

      They often come from families where they were looked at as “less than.” It could be from race, gender, economic disadvantage among other things.  At an early age, they felt the need to rebalance the scales of justice. However, rebels can get stuck in having to prove they are right by staying against and opposing, fighting “to the death.”

      Yet, more of the time there is a better way. Enter the community builder. Those who can transform their anger into exploring new perspectives. Community builders tackle problems at the core level. They bring the dialogue away from accusing and blaming to stimulate a groundswell of activity to find a better way for all of us.

      That’s what these two rebel comedians have exemplified, going beyond just joking, to find a new way for men and women to begin to react with each other, without the old fears getting in the way.

      Yes, rebels can make change. Better yet, are those rebels who take that strong, determined energy and transform it to community building to make lasting change.

      Here is a video that helps you talk with a rebel, helping them see the power of community building.

      It’s what the world needs now.

      I will be starting an online training program soon, modeled after my successful GUTSY WOMEN retreat program. Women today can no longer be shushed or denied. It’s time to be authentic, be flamboyant, be YOU. This educational program will give you the tools to stand on the shoulders of your past. Make a difference.

      Get on the waiting list for the pioneer group that will begin in January, just sign up for the newsletter or if you are already on it you’ll be notified.

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      Is it good luck?
      Change, General Resolution, Growth, Leadership

      Is it Good Luck or Bad Luck? You Decide!

      • Sylvia Lafair
      • July 18, 2017
      • Business and life patterns, Change, Growth, Luck

      We all give into superstitions when the day becomes dark. We say things to make ourselves feel better.  We really do create stories about good luck and bad luck.  Much like the following:

      Now, what I’m going to say is really not that big a deal.  Except, it was a really big deal when it happened.

      We put an offer on a house in Northern California, which I must say, is like the 1800’s land grab.

      Nothing stays on the market very long and if something is super great, well, it is gone in days.  Not only gone in days, but above the asking price.  Bidding wars all over the place.  It’s crazy.

      Notice the house in the image to the left.  That’s about what you get for the price.  Kinda depressing!

      Anyway, we found the perfect home.  No, not the one above!  I mean perfect.  Out of town, in nature. Like Goldilocks, it was not too small, not too big.  Just right.

      It had been on the market for one day.  We were first to see it the next day.

      Did I say it was not too small, not too big, just right?  So, we had to scurry to put a bid in.  We were second.  Then we waited.

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      Memorial Day
      Change, Coaching, Growth

      Remembering Memorial Day

      • Sylvia Lafair
      • May 29, 2017
      • Change, Coaching, Growth

      It doesn’t seem to stop.  I’m writing this after watching a video of young people at a concert in Manchester, England, run for their lives after a bomb explosion stopped the music.

      I’m writing this after hearing the pain of a dad whose handsome son was knifed to death while waiting with friends near a bus stop on the University of Maryland campus.  This was just days before his graduation from Bowie State University.

      Then there is Danny, a coaching client, who told me he is still angry…no, furious, thinking about his brother, Neil, who was a victim of a stray bullet in the dusk of an evening not even a year ago.

      And the eighteen-year-old girl at Times Square, whose last memory was most likely of a car careening onto the sidewalk and snuffing out her life.

      This is a long list that seems to never end.

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      Guess Who’s Coming To Breakfast, Lunch and Maybe Even Dinner
      Business, Business and Life Patterns, Change, Communication, Growth, Leadership

      Guess Who’s Coming To Breakfast, Lunch and Maybe Even Dinner

      • Sylvia Lafair
      • March 31, 2017
      • Business, Business and life patterns, Growth

      Is your company going through a growth spurt? Need more good people to participate in your exciting endeavors? Want to fill the shoes of those who have moved up with those ready to move up?

      Warning: Don’t overlook those seated before you.

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      The Colors of Gender
      Business, Change, Coaching, Communication, Goals

      The Colors of Gender Thanks to Modern Marketing and Ancient Ancestors

      • Sylvia Lafair
      • March 7, 2017
      • Business, Change, Coaching, Communication, Goals

      From the day you were born, even before conception, there are beliefs and stereotypes that are attached to gender.

      Let’s consider the color continuum for gender. Pink is for girls and blue is for boys. Right? Where did this begin? Who decided which colors belong to which gender?

      Here is a brief trip through history. In the 1800’s all babies, male and female, wore white “dresses” in infancy. Thus, babies were gender neutral. These sacks were easy for changing diapers and to bleach when they became dirty.

      Then around the 1920’s Western parents began dressing the little ones in colors. Pink was associated with boys. Yes, you heard me, boys. Here is the rationale: red is a bold and brave color and too strong for children so, boys got the watered-down version…pink.

      Blue, a more subdued color was for girls. And by the way, blue was associated with the Virgin Mary, thus a color of purity. Just saying!

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