Communication Archives

Have you been seeing red?

Sylvia Lafair
January 8, 2021

Dear All,

This past week, with so much upheaval in the world at least a dozen people texted me using the expression “I’m so mad I’m seeing red.”

I started thinking about my own relationship with red.

Red hats, red lipstick, red stilettos, red hats with logos, red hot anger, and even “It’s that time of the month.”

Stay with me, it will make sense in a few seconds.

Did you know that red has a range of symbolic meanings?

It signifies health, vigor, war, courage, anger, love, and religious fervor.

You ask: What difference does that really make? Who cares? We have more important things to discuss besides talking about red, or blue, or whatever.

My answer: I am using color, focusing right now on red, which is visually in the news so much these days, to discuss the importance of critical thinking.

Critical thinking: needed now more than ever

Putting the puzzle of how patterns from the past impact the present is a major part of critical thinking.

Social media, conspiracy theories, personal points of view, all need to be put through the filter of truth.

Truth is complex and needs its own dialogue time. However, I am suggesting that for now, we all take a broader view of what is going on, rather than just fall into either/or and the us/ them camps.

The more you look upstream to understand current events, the more you can make decisions based on fact.

Yes, there is always emotion included (at no extra charge).

Once you can put the facts together you can tame emotions, so they are useful, not destructive.

Color is easier to discuss than national politics.

ASK: What is the Back Story?

When you ask the question, the same common denominator will show up. The more you know about the back story of anything, the more you can see the way forward.

The more you know about how you decide what to decide, the better will be your decisions.

The more you know about colors, the more you can decide how to make colors work for you.

The Story of Red

From the day you were born, even before conception, there are so many beliefs as well as neurological reasons we “see red.” (HINT: Women use this expression way more than men do).

Let me explain: Think about stereotypes.

Pink is for girls and blue is for boys, right? Did you ever wonder where this idea ever came from? What if you choose green or yellow for the baby’s blanket?

Again, you say: What difference does it make? Who cares anyway?

Red has a HISTORY (and a HERSTORY)

This color thing is really fascinating. First, a very brief trip through time.

In the 1800s all babies, male and female wore white “dresses” in infancy. Thus, babies were gender-neutral. These sacks were easy for changing diapers and easy to bleach when they became spotted and dirty.

Then somewhere around the 1920’s Western parents began dressing children in colors. There were better dyes. And just a guess, after the 1918 Pandemic was over people wanted brightness and fun, coming out of such a dark time.

Now, this is where it gets super interesting.

Pink was for boys. You heard me right. Pink was for boys!

Here is the rationale: red is a bold color and represented bravery and pink is the watered-down version for the “little men” not quite ready for the boldness of red.

Blue, a more subdued color was for the girls.

Take a deep breath, all you bold ladies out there. Blue was for girls since it was associated with the Virgin Mary, the color of purity.

Hey, I’m just the reporter here.

And wait, there is more.

Mad Men and Color

By the end of World War II, the advertising titans took over. Colors were flip-flopped. And you can blame that on the Mad Men of Madison Avenue. Red is so enticing that it became the symbol of sexuality and availability. (Ever hear of the red- light district?).

One more bit of research. Color preference studies from many universities indicate that when men and women are shown primary colors both genders prefer blue. Yet, when looking at blends, women prefer pink and lilac.

So, maybe the saying “pretty in pink” has validity.

Time to Break the Stereotypes

Men are conditioned to wear darker colors, usually blue suits. The tie depends on many things such as political party affiliation, which is acceptable at work, and what the women in the family prefer.

Women have a wider range of choices yet, still give in to the stereotypes when choosing colors.

An interesting fact: Research from Time magazine (July 2014) shows that women do NOT like, hear me, do NOT like, or trust other women who wear too much red.

And presently, red is the symbol of rebels who want to take over, to do ‘it’ (whatever you decide ‘it’ means).

Perhaps, when the red-hot heat of these times cools down we can choose our colors based on simply an inner choice of what looks good and feels good. Not as a political statement that chooses some over others.

Let’s all express ourselves using all the colors available.

Choose what you wear, choose how you think.

Imagine what the world would look like if we put stereotypes away and begin to see each other as fallible, caring, unique individuals.

These times are demanding change, demanding critical thinking. Everything has a back story and with the internet, we have access to good information as well as so much misinformation. Sift through. Take the time to research before you point fingers at “the other.”

The rainbow is a mix of colors. And you know what is said to be at the end of a rainbow. It’s a pot of gold.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

P.S. Much of this information is taken from my book GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change. You can check the book out here.

Communication

Are You A Rebel

Sylvia Lafair
January 6, 2021

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

First, let me wish you a Happy New Year. I do hope you, we all, have great opportunities to grow and prosper this year.

I have been told that after the end of week two in January it is inappropriate to wish someone a happy new year. Who knew!

It reminded me of an old fun thought about the fact that it is very inappropriate to wear white shoes after the Labor Day holiday in September.

My question is: Are we still stuck with old cliché ways of responding?

Will I or whoever look stupid by saying a happy new year or wearing white shoes in say, November?

I keep thinking the world has changed and there is more freedom in the way we choose to live and learn.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Signed,

Rebel

Dear Rebel,

First, Happy New Year. Whew I’m still in the two-week window.

Here is a thought to consider.

I’ve heard it said — this is important — that the goodwill you gain in the first two weeks of the year will predict how the rest of the year will go.

Good start, good year. Bad start, well you know the rest.

Superstition or truth? You decide.

I want to now go bigger. So here is the question.

Do you pay attention to how we greet each other? When you say, “How are you?” my guess is the other person mostly will answer with “Fine.

Do you, Rebel, and everyone else, ever want to stir things up a bit to get a new and different response?

Maybe, just maybe, this is a good time to break the old patterns of communication repetition. Maybe now is the time to break out of old cliches that are really meaningless.

Think about this for a moment.

What is it you want as a result of talking with someone? If it is merely to be polite and move on? That’s fine. Well then saying nothing more than Happy New Year or How Are You will suffice.

However, here is a suggestion.

Add an extra sentence. After Happy New Year add an extra sentence or two.

Say, Have a year filled with (take your pick: high adventure, calmness and less stress, deep learning, lots of fun, etc).

I will venture to bet you get a more interesting conversation going. At least a more heartfelt smile.

Here is one more communication rule you may already know so this is just a bit of a reminder.

ASK QUESTIONS.

Better yet, ask open-ended questions. You know, questions where you cannot just respond yes or no.

It shows you are interested in others, that you want to hear more than just your own point of view.

And if you listen without interrupting, you will be appreciated beyond belief.

This being said, my hope for all of us, is that we continue to learn, blossom, be kind and helpful, keep going and keep growing.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

Business, Communication

Freudian Slips Are NOT Something Women Wear

Sylvia Lafair
August 12, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I had the most awful thing happen to me when I was talking with my boss last week.

He was making demands that seemed impossible. I stood up for myself and told him the demands he made were impossible to fulfill.

He just looked at me with great caring on our Zoom call and smiled.

Then he said, “You’re very smart and a real creative individual and I know you will figure it out.”

With that, he announced that he had to get to another meeting, and if I had any issues, I could email him.

Then he added before he scooted away “I know you won’t let me down.”

I just sat staring at the blank screen with a deep desire to scream.

Since then my stomach has been in a knot. Every time I think about what happened and how he just brushed away my concerns I want to either punch him (of course I won’t) or run and hide under the covers (of course I won’t).

I can’t figure out why I had such a visceral reaction.

Usually, I thrive on challenges and yes, as a leader in our company, I do often figure out how to make the impossible possible.

Yet, I keep stewing and thinking really nasty thoughts about this demanding, overbearing man who smiles when he knows others are upset.

Can you help give me some perspective on how to get past the anger and internal conflict I am feeling?

Signed,

Distraught and Disgusted

Dear DandD,

I will help by telling you about another client of mine who is a senior VP in a Marketing Company.

I know, I know, you don’t have the bandwidth to care about my client. However, sometimes we learn best through an indirect answer.

Stay with me.

A coaching client who grew up with a demanding father was in a meeting with her boss who gave her so much extra work she said it was breaking her back. She said she was actually having trouble standing up straight.

In an executive meeting when her boss made even more demands she finally lost it and said with great flair “Dad, I simply can’t do this. It’s too much.”

The room went silent. As she told me later, the people in the room froze.

THIS is what has been labeled “a Freudian Slip.”

Definition of a Freudian Slip: An unintentional error regarded as revealing subconscious feelings.

Back to you DandD.

I am making an educated guess that you may be in the same boat as my Freudian Slip client.

No, you didn’t say anything out loud. However, I am wondering if one of your parents (doesn’t have to be your dad) made impossible demands on you.

The clues are how you worded you upset and how it impacted your physiology.

At this point, most of the people I have worked with over the decades want to retreat, run, and hide as you suggested.

They don’t and I hope you won’t.

Again, please stay with me here.

The inner work you need to do, and that I think is of benefit for all leaders or emerging leaders is to see where you are stuck with over the top upset and figure out what to do about it.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you should stay calm, cool, and collected when demands are, as you say, impossible. And I do suggest you stand up for yourself. Which you did.

You get kudos for that.

However, the amount of upset you expressed seems to be derailing your health and well- being.

THAT is when you can do better by addressing the perspective that perhaps, just perhaps, you, like my client wanted to say “DAD (MOM), you always put too much pressure on me to succeed and I’m sick of it.” Or a variation of that.

Freudian slips are meant to lead you to the subconscious areas where you still need to work on yourself.

To your success,

Sylvia

Ready to buy the book? Awesome! Click here to grab your copy of Don’t Bring it To Work.

Call my office for a free strategy session on how to move beyond the patterns of the past that end up hurting you in the present.

Communication, Leadership

In the Room Where IT Happened

Sylvia Lafair
July 10, 2020
Communication, Leadership, leadership culture

Leaders need to know about where they started to know where to go now #leadership #culture #communication

Hi, everybody. Sylvia Lafair here, with a tip for Tuesday and I have a question. Do you know where you were in the room where it happened? You know, Hamilton’s success has brought that song to everybody’s mind. I want to be in a room where it happened while we were in the room where it happened. There are two rooms I’m talking about right now. One is where you were conceived. And it’s a powerful concept to understand what happened at that moment when the sperm and the egg met and it became a you as the nine months went on.

We’ll talk about that in a minute. But the second place, the other room where it happened was the delivery room or the back of a taxi cab or a home birth, wherever you were. Those two areas are so critical to all of us, not just to women, to all of us, because when we understand what was going on in the room where it happened, we have a better sense of where to go now and what to do.

And we are not taking people down deep enough to look at some of these things that have created blocks, that have created overwhelm, that have created self-doubt, that have created the imposter syndrome that lives in us. But much of it happened in that room back then. And I’d like to throw out an idea just kind of imagined idea. John Lennon imagined idea. What if every child conceived was conceived in love? Every child conceived was provided for and wanted in this world.

Just what if. And what if we had no more abuse, and what if at the time, those nine months between conception and birth or whatever period of time there is? What if there were some skills that were taught to people? I know I was 24 when my first child was born and I had no skills. You know, I didn’t know what to do. I mean, I was trained and taught the youngest in my family, so I didn’t have any younger siblings to look at.

But what if there were some kind of healthy education, generic, universal in this country as part of the whole process from being in that room where it happened to getting ready for the room, where it happens because the birth process is a powerful, important place. So, I love to hear your stories about what it was like, as you obviously didn’t know too much, but what it was like as you go back and ask what happened in those two rooms.

Those are the two key rooms that we need to look at. So let’s keep going. Let’s keep growing. And I’d love to hear your comments about where you were and what you learned even now as you go back and talk to somebody and find out. It’s really important. Thank you. Have a beautiful day and a beautiful rest of the week.

Business and Life Patterns, Change, Communication, Leadership

Diversity, Inclusion and Engagement

Sylvia Lafair
June 5, 2020
diversity, emotional commitment, engagement, inclusion, jane elliot

Hi everybody! Sylvia Lafair here, and I will keep this short.

There are two parts to this that I’d like to guide you to look. First, if you do not know who Jane Elliott is, please google her and please watch the documentary and some of the newer things she’s done.

I will tell you just briefly who she is, but first I want to give you a quote from her. What she has said is, ‘Prejudice is an emotional commitment to ignorance.’ What a short sentence and a wise statement Jane Elliott is.

Now, I think I’m going to cry talking about this. She’s now 87 years old and sorry. In 1968 in April, after Martin Luther King was murdered, assassinated, she was a third grade teacher in a small town of Riceville, Iowa and the kids at that age are still open. They still wonder, this was an all-white area of rural sweet children and they wanted to know why somebody would kill somebody that had been thought of as an esteemed leader and she couldn’t figure out how to explain it. So, she did what was one of the most powerful experience of learning things.

It was back in 1968 this just wasn’t done and I don’t know how we’re going to incorporate it now, but I’d like you to watch, and it’s about how something as simple as if you have blue eyes or brown eyes. One is better than the other, gets handled by these kids and then there’s a PBS documentary that when these little third graders grow up and they’re now married, they have children of their own, they come back for a reunion. This is really getting me to talk about what they learned. Very powerful and I’m not going to excuse myself for the tears.

There’s just so much that’s going on and finally, it just has to spill over. And so, that’s a part of what I want to talk about. I said the other day, we’ve got to be taught to hate and fear. We have to be taught from year-to-year. It has to be drummed in our dear little ear. We have to be carefully taught, and we’re not doing enough about diversity, about inclusion, about listening to each other’s stories, and so please take the time and look up Jane Elliott. She’s now 87 years old. An amazing woman, but I didn’t get this emotional.

The second part of this is on listening to all the conversations and the rhetoric from everybody of every color, of every combination, of background, of affluence or poverty or whatever, and I really believe that as we begin to hear each other’s stories, that we can begin to open that human part in us, and that’s all stories. All stories and I had the privilege of being with Thich Nhat Hanh, who is a Buddhist teacher, who during the Vietnamese War, walked down. He’s a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who walked down the streets of Manhattan and stopped the traffic with his people with him, and somebody said, ‘Thich Nhat Hanh, are you for the right to the north or the south?’ And he said, ‘I’m for the middle. I’m for everyone.’ So, maybe, just maybe, this is the time, and I’m going to put together a short program to begin to discuss a story.

I’ve written the book, ‘Unique.’ Here it is, ‘Unique: How Stories Sparks a Diversity, Inclusion and Engagement,’ and this is going to be a gratis program that I would like to do on zoom with a small group of people to begin to see if we can take our stories in a certain way that we listen to because it’s very generational for all of us also.

So, if you’re interested, please email me at sylvia@ceoptions.com, and we can discuss what this is going to look like, I feel like I have to do something more, and in all the years that I’ve worked, and I’ve worked with diversity and I’ve had people tell the truth. It’s not enough and we need more people to do more.

So, Jane Elliott, thank you for being who you are, and everybody out there who’s listening, who’s ready to become part of the solution. Let me hear from those who are interested in this and the rest of you. I just want you to go and make a difference. It’s our time and if not now, when?

Thank you so much.

Business, Change, Communication, Growth, Success

Ways to Move Toward OUR COMMON FUTURE

Sylvia Lafair
June 3, 2020

How do you, yes you, engage in the complex time that is upon us all right now?

When circumstances demand change what do you do?

Do you retreat, hoping for the way it was?

Do you want to clear out everything familiar and start from scratch?

Do you complain and blame “them” (whoever that may be)?

Do you want law and order or peace at any price?

This is what I have been hearing from those in my executive leadership coaching program: “I just want peace” while others say, “I want to feel empowered” and still others say, “Just leave me alone, cause I don’t care.”

Here I have some suggestions as we begin the long and winding road to the next phase of our common future.

Peace Sounds Good

Being at peace means no conflict at home or work, no fighting with neighbors, no angry protestors, no mobs who grab whatever they can, no polarization, no violence of any form.

Except this is straight from “La La Land.”

Change the word peace to growth and we can continue to discuss.

Growth is always connected with conflict.

And change is also connected with conflict.

Real peace, growth, and change go together.

Move from Peace to Empowerment

The next step we need to take right now is empowerment.

Let me explain.

The word empowerment is coming up more and more these days

So, what does it really mean?

The word empowerment creates a feeling of excitement.

It’s both personal and collective.

When someone can say they are empowered they have taken their skills and talents to make a difference for themselves and others.

From Power to Empowerment

Showing force and power is NOT the same as being empowered.

Empowerment is a different kind of power.

It’s about standing for what can benefit both you and those around you with a deep understanding of how your behavior will impact others now and in the future.

Ask questions and listen to the answers. Start the debate and then change to dialogue.

Debate to Dialogue

Debate, by definition, has winners and losers.

Dialogue is much different It’s a route to listening to and learning from each other.

Here’s a choice for you for these days: As a leader, do you want and need to be powerful, or do you want to take that fierce step to be truly empowered?

It takes real courage, inner strength, creativity, and pattern-breaking spontaneity to begin the task of real change.

Join me.

I am starting a group to discuss the role empowered leaders can play right here and right now based on my book “UNIQUE: How Story Sparks Diversity, Inclusion, and Engagement.”

If you want to join the group please email me at sylvia@ceoptions.com for more information.

To our connected future,

Sylvia

Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Managing Stress, Patterns

Stress & Mixed Messages: How to Stop the Maddening Communication from Messages that Are Inconsistent and Unclear

Sylvia Lafair
April 30, 2020
ask question, Communication, communication skills, maddening communication, mixed messages, reboot, stop, Stress

Hi everybody! Sylvia Lafair here.

Today, I’d like to talk about stress and mixed messages. When stress gets high, mixed messages get even higher, and I was thinking about when I was raising my daughters, and you know, I did mix messages. I’m sure most of you can relate to this one. I’d say, ‘Go to your room and stay there for the rest of the day,” just ready to tear my hair out. Anyway, about an hour later, I’m yelling up, ‘Come down here! Dinner’s ready!’

So, what do you do with that? You come down and eat, but these mixed messages jungle and jangle and make us always feeling a little crazed, and in the past week, I’ve been getting a lot of calls from clients, and here are a few of what they’ve been saying: one said, “I handed in a proposal that we’re getting ready for the future, and I handed in a proposal and my boss said, ‘Your writing is wonderful,’ and then I got the proposal back to put in its final form. It was trashed and slashed and filled with red marks and changes.” So, what’s the message I was getting? Anyway, that’s one.

Another one said, ‘we’re getting ready to hire some new people even if it’s a difficult time, and I was told I was in line, and then I was told we’re recruiting outside.’ So, I don’t know where I stand with any of this and somebody else said, “you know, I’m going to wait to start the meeting because I said I would be a little bit late, and I’ll wait. The boss said, ‘I’ll wait to start the meeting,’ and then of course started it without me there, and I’m not sure how to handle all this.” So, I am giving right now advice to the receiver, the person who’s getting the mixed messages and it’s three simple things. Simple in words but not so simple when you want to do them.

So, it means stop, question, reboot.

Those are the three. Now, the first one is, stop when somebody is giving you mixed messages. All the time you simply have to say stop now. Stop is what we call a pattern interrupt. It’s like throwing ice water. The word stop universally means the same thing everywhere. It means exactly what it says. It means stop and it means what we’re doing isn’t working or you have to wait for something else before you can do what you want to do. What the word stop is a power word. So, please use it. The first thing you do is, say stop, and you say exactly what’s going on.
I’m getting confused. I’m getting puzzled. I’m feeling frozen. These mixed messages I’m getting are not helping. That’s one.

The next is, you ask a question. I call it an accountability question, and the question is, what do you want as an outcome from this conversation? You ask the other person, who’s been giving the mixed messages? and then you wait. You wait, you don’t answer. You don’t give them clues. You simply let them answer, and then you have to reboot, and say, I would appreciate it if we could do this differently, because when I’m getting the meeting is on in the morning, and then half hour later, the meeting is off, and then another 45 minutes later, the meeting is on, and then the meeting is off. It makes me crazy, and I need your help in this. So, you’re also offering something to the other person.

Good communication is really clear. So, that’s from the end of the person who’s receiving the mixed messages. The one who’s giving the mixed messages, you’ve got work to do. A lot of good deep powerful work to do, because what you have to keep in your mind, and I would put this on your computer, on the refrigerator, on your mirror, in your bathroom, and it’s, it says, ‘from here on, I will say what I mean and do what I say.’ That’s called consistency and and we’re looking for that. Say what I mean and do what I say, even if what you’re going to is, look I don’t have an answer for you right now. We’re going through a difficult time and I may have to pivot or change my mind or change the direction, but I will let you know and we will talk about it. So, you give people clues to this. You don’t just keep throwing out the mixed messages, and if I were raising my kids now, I would not go to that place I did, which is, go to your room for the rest of the day.

I remember once saying, ‘go to your room for the rest of the year and I think it was January 3rd. So, obviously my frustration and my stress had hit the the end point to all of us. We need to learn how to handle stress and keep it in what I call, ‘the safe stress zone in that middle zone,’ because then we’re not overreacting with lots of noise or pretending nothing’s wrong or stuffing it and keeping it in.

Now, what I would appreciate is, if you found this helpful, if you would click the like button at the bottom or at least put a response in on how you’re handling stress. That would be wonderful and look for more information about this next week.

Thank you so much. This is to your success. Thank you.

Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Managing Stress, Stress, Success

Who decides when enough is enough?

Sylvia Lafair
April 22, 2020

How many of you have said, “enough is enough?” And how many of you find that while you demand that the upset stop, it just keeps going on and on.

QUESTION: Who decides when enough is enough?

ANSWER: It depends on the circumstances.

What an annoying, non-answer.

Well, it does depend on the circumstances.

EXAMPLE: Your direct report is behaving badly in a meeting. He is slyly looking at his phone which is strategically positioning under the table. While his voice is silent, his eyes are going from squinting to total OMG rolling around to let you know he thinks your idea sucks. (Or so you think he thinks this).

You say to yourself “enough is enough.”

And you call for a short break. You call the rolling eyes guy into a corner and ask him what his problem is (all the while thinking you should fire the jerk).

He apologizes.

Says he has too many things on his mind, especially a sick child who is waiting for him to get to the elementary school to take her home. His wife, he explains, is out of town at a leadership meeting from her company and he is the designated parent for the rest of the week.

He looks sullen as he utters your phrase “Hell, this week is hell. When is enough enough?”

Okay. How do you respond to him?

That was the context of my coaching session with a senior VP from a company that had to furlough everyone except for the few senior leaders at the above meeting.

Here was my suggestion:

At the next meeting, you really need some time to take the “emotional temperature” in the room.

“How do I do that?” I was asked.

By a process, we call “Getting Current.”

It’s especially important during times of group stress.

Although it works for all companies at all meetings all year long.

Here’s how it works. Best for smaller groups (up to about 20).

You start the meeting with a minute of silence. Yes, a minute. You know, 60 seconds. Every meeting can give that much time for a little bit of quiet.

No rules about eyes open or closed.

Just mouths shut and phones off.

Then each person has a few minutes to say how they are feeling (the good “F” word).

No pressure. No deep explanations. Just a short bit about what is going on personally as well as professionally.

Here is a short excerpt from my book, Don’t Bring It To Work

“Meetings are often called the ‘black hole” in the business day. Most meetings are agenda-driven and stay with the linear left side of the brain, often excluding the intuitive right side. Yet, it is the combination of the two that sets off creative sparks and bonds teams together.”

Start the meeting by letting each person room to say something about how they are doing. Monitor it. No long paragraphs, no cross-talk, no saving someone, or giving advice. Just listening. And then the next person talks.

Also, important that it is not in a straight line or “straight circle” if at a conference table.

Someone talks and then someone, maybe on the other side of the table picks up the thread and says whatever they want to say.

Keep going till everyone has a chance to express themselves.

It clears the air.

I promise you; the meeting will move faster with more positive results.

In a group of 20, this would take maybe 15 minutes.

Example from the “designated parent” above.

If he had the chance simply to say he was worried about his ill daughter and would have to leave after the meeting to pick her up and was feeling the pressure of being the solo parent.

Just that would be enough.

How long did that take? Maybe 30 seconds if he spoke slowly. A minute if he needed to say he was frustrated and wished his wife could get back sooner.

He would be more present in the meeting and the “enough is enough” mentality would have been put to rest.

Give it a shot.

We have taught this process to large organizations, family firms, and startups.

It works.

There is a great deal about team collaboration in my book Don’t Bring It To Work. Get a copy HERE and contact me for more information.

To your success,

-Sylvia

Communication, Conflict Resolutions

Create Emotional Environment for Success at Work and at Home

Sylvia Lafair
March 19, 2020
emotional environment

Hi everyone!

Well, we are in it. It is the worst of times. It is the best of times. It’s all how you perceive what’s going on now.

I don’t want to make light of what’s happening on our planet right now, but there is good that can come out of it, and we really have to look at how to create an emotional climate that will support people.

So, one of the things I’ve looked at for years, and one of the things I’ve taught in all of my groups is the power of a good belly laugh, and there’s tons of research about how a good laugh is good for your heart. It’s good for your mind. It’s good for the people around you. It’s a positive infectious way of being.

So, did you know that children laugh? I don’t know something like, let me see. I wrote this statistic now, 200 times a day while adults usually laugh, maybe 26 times, and in these days, we’re not laughing at all. So, I’m going to tell you a joke right now, and just notice if you think it’s funny. If it makes you laugh, how you feel after.

I say it, but it’s been going around the world literally. I’ve heard it from people in Australia and people in New Zealand and people in Europe that we talk with.

Here’s how it goes: Some two men with masks on and gloves on, walk into a bank and everybody starts screaming. Get away from them. It’s the virus! And they look around and they go, “No, no we’re here to be, where robbers. We’re here to rob you.”

So, there you go, it’s all in the perception. The first time I heard that, I did have a good laugh because it sort of relieved some of the tension, and that’s what happens when you have a good laugh, and when you laugh with people, they laugh back and you’re kind of breathing together. So, my biggest suggestion for right now, is find something that has some humor. Pass it around. Call somebody you know is lonely or feeling down with everything that’s going on.

Tell them a joke. Any joke. Now, the other piece is, please ask permission before you do it. Ask permission when you’re talking with an individual. Say, “I found something that I thought was kind of funny or cute or clever or whatever, and I’d love to share it,” and if they’re in, the really deep dark place that they can’t hear anything. Let it go but if they’re kind of moving up into a place where they can kind of gain a better perspective, tell them a joke.

I know I put something on my women leaders inner circle that I thought was pretty funny, and now I’m seeing it everywhere and it’s since we’re in not quite lockdown, but stay at home right now, and all the stores are closed especially right now in certain states. One of the things that said is, within a month we’re going to know the true color of our hair and it’s the truth.

So, let’s keep each other up. Help pull each other up. That’s what we need to do in these days.

So, if you have a joke that’s really fun, please put it on social media. Put it on the inner circle, if you’re part of that. Call someone. Tell them something. Make them laugh. Laugh, so that the worst of times don’t have to stay there.

We’re all in it together, and please no one’s going to win unless we all do.

So, that’s it for today.

Let’s keep deep breathing. Let’s keep exercising and you know what? Let’s keep laughing. This is to your success and to the end of this difficult time. Bless you all!

Communication, Leadership

Leaders and Rebels

Sylvia Lafair
March 6, 2020
Communication, Leaders, Leadership, rebels

Today we’re going to look at why we get so stuck when things keep repeating and repeating. It’s the old quote by Einstein, “if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” And that’s the truth. Ain’t it the truth?

So, we’re going to look at how in relationships we get stuck in patterns and today we’re going to talk about the rebel and the boss, and I got an email from the boss in a company where she said, “I’m going bunkers with Donna.” Donna is our best salesperson but she goes around and everything I say, she has to challenge everything. If I say “today’s Tuesday,” she’ll say, “well, it’s going to be Wednesday soon.” If I say, “it’s sunny outside,” she said, “well it’s going to rain. So, what are you talking about,” and she is driving me nuts. So, what happened was everybody said, “fire her, fire her, fire her,” and I thought there’s got to be a better way and I was reading ‘Don’t Bring It to Work,” and I thought, hmm, she sounds just like the proverbial rebel.

She has to challenge, then she gets all her friends and her colleagues on her side and sooner or later they’re going to swoop into HR with a complaint. So, I thought what can I do and how can I do it differently.

So, here’s an important tip for the day. What I listen to were some of the things that she said and it was always about me being loud. I can be at times, but not often… is what was said to me being being bossy.

Well, I am the boss. So, I have to tell people what to do, but I’m very inclusive and she she said, “you’re always telling me, I’m doing things wrong. Well, sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t and that’s part of being a leader.

Right, right, okay. So, I got some reading. The book “Don’t Bring It to Work,” and then I talked to some people and I thought okay, let me change me, “if you’ve always done what…” you go, “if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

Forgotten, anyway I called her into the office and here’s the tip, I lowered my voice. Now, I’m not loud all the time but I lowered it, so she had to lean in rather than push back. Made a difference and then what I did was, I talked a little bit slower. I had lowered my voice. I talked a little bit slower, and I asked some questions. I asked her, “what is it that I can do so that we can get along together?” And then, I did something that I don’t do as much as I said. I zipped it and I listened and it’s called an accountability question.

So, I waited and she sat there and finally she said, “well, she said I often feel like you, don’t think what I do is right or good or appropriate,” and then I push back and she started sitting back.

Again, watch behavior. Watch body language. Listen to the words. What happened was, I made a commitment to be able to talk with her in a different way the next time, the next times we talked, but I said, “if there’s a problem, can you figure out how to come to me first and then we can discuss it before you start talking with your colleagues and creating a lot of stir of what’s going on.

So, please this is a quick tidbit when you’re talking with a rebel. Somebody who always wants to challenge authority, will lower your voice. Talk more slowly and ask the question, “what can I do to make a difference?

When in our relationship, see what happens. Let me know, and the book ‘Don’t Bring It to Work’ it’s a good one. Take a look at it.

Thanks so much. Talk to you soon.

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