Growth Archives | CEOptions

Reflections on Uncertainty and Courage

Sylvia Lafair
November 26, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I’m not sure how to say this politely. This year has been a frigging mess.

Not just for me, for so many I know.

I’ve been lucky that no one in my immediate circle has come down with the virus. Yet, we all know someone who has a friend or colleague who has been hospitalized or worse, loss of life.

I just don’t have the energy to be happy on Thanksgiving or jolly for Christmas yet to come.

Thanksgiving is a traditional time to give gratitude and appreciate each other.

I don’t want to give thanks. I want to complain and sulk and be mad.

I am afraid of what is yet to come.

Look. I have enough food and a good position in my organization.

I’m an experienced leader and I can say all the right things.

However, I’m stuck!

I keep fighting feeling crappy and I need some encouragement to move from sad to glad.

Help, please.

Signed,

Lost in the woods

Dear LOST,

You are not alone. Almost all my clients are dealing with some form of pandemic traumatic disorder.

Here is my suggestion for Thanksgiving this year. Whether you have decided to travel to be with family, will be on a Zoom call, or just hunker down with Netflix or a game I suggest you take an hour from your day and simply be silent.

No, I’m not talking meditate.

I’m talking just stop talking for one hour on Thursday.

Here is what to do in that hour.

This year, especially, it is a time to ask, “What really matters?”

Too often, in the past, most of us would talk about what we are thankful for without giving it the thought it deserves.

Perhaps this year with all of us in a similar boat of uncertainty (even with the promise of a vaccine for Covid) the future seems cloudy and even strange.

Here are the questions to ponder in the silent realm:

How many shirts do you really need to be well dressed?

Who can you tell your deepest dreams to?

What makes you smile, laugh, sigh, sing?

What do you give willingly to others?

What will be your legacy?

Just one hour on this day of giving thanks stay in the silent zone to reassess what really matters.

As I am writing this (for myself as well as you LOST and everyone else) it made me think about a story that author Kurt Vonnegut told about his friend Joseph Heller.

Some of my favorites from Vonnegut include Cat’s Cradle and Slaughterhouse Five.

Joe Heller’s book Catch 22 was a national sensation. In fact, the title became a way for people to talk about any vicious cycle in life involving an absurd no-win contradictory choice that ends up badly.

We have just been going through a “catch 22” time in politics as well as in the pandemic.

In any case, here is a wonderful story perfect for Thanksgiving time that Kurt Vonnegut told about his friend Joe.

Kurt and Joe were at a holiday party given by a billionaire on Shelter Island New York. In Vonnegut’s words:

“I said, Joe how does it make you feel to know that our host

Only yesterday may have made more money than your novel

Catch 22 has earned in its entire history?

And Joe said, “I’ve got something he can never have.”

And I said, “What on earth could that be Joe?”

And he said, “The knowledge that I’ve got enough.”

In your time of giving thanks this year, in your time of silence, think about what is enough.

With deep caring,

Sylvia

diversity, Growth, Patterns, Stress

I Can’t Take Anymore Surprises…

Sylvia Lafair
September 23, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Each day I think to myself “I can’t take any more surprises. I can’t take any more whining. I can’t take anymore bungled messes.”

And then something else happens.

I went into a deep depression after the news of Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s passing hit the world.
Look, I didn’t know her, and my daily life as I live it was not impacted. So, why was I so upset. I couldn’t really do much of worth for the next few days.

I felt like I lost a grandmother or a loved aunt.

I know, I know, she was an icon for women’s rights, for equality for all of us.

However, this is about what I need to do to not become a mess of rubble as each day offers another surprise or challenge.
Question: How do I/we stay sane in this very tense, strange world of today?

Signed,
Going to pop!!

Dear GTP,

Don’t! I mean hang in there. We are all being tested to see how strong we are. You may have heard the saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt:

“We are like teabags. You never know how strong we are

until we are put in hot water.”

I have been spending my time finding all the overt and subtle ways to de-stress during these stressful days.

Let me be your change cheerleader for a few minutes.

Smile even when you feel like crap: As you become more tense take a few deep breaths (I know, I know, that’s not enough). After the breaths smile, either putting your lips in an upward arc or smile internally. The smile actually stimulates a release of endorphins to counteract stress hormones and strengthens your immune system.
Beyond smiling, go for a belly laugh: Make sure your belly “jiggles” (easy for some and not so for others… do it anyway). Belly laughs enhance oxygen intake to stimulate the heart, lungs, and muscles. Here’s a joke to get you laughing:

“Did you know there’s a new restaurant in town?

It’s called KARMA. No menu. You get what you

deserve!”

Hope that helped. However, if not go to YouTube and watch some funny bits. Even if you feel lousy, give yourself a few minutes to laugh. That’s how Norman Cousins, MD, helped himself after a dreaded diagnosis. He writes about it in his book “An Anatomy Of An Illness.” Also, now we have ‘laughter yoga’ so, instead of flexing to do the downward dog go for laughter.

Walk barefoot in a park: Do this on a sunny day. Feel the softness on the soles of your feet and also get a good dose of vitamin D (known as the sunshine vitamin) to keep your bones healthy as well as strengthening and stretching the muscles, tendons and ligaments in your feet.
Do the 7-day SANITY CHALLENGE: I have put together some easy and creative ways to keep your stress down and sanity up. The next challenge will start on October 1 and yes, there will be prizes.

We cannot know from day to day what will be put on our very full plates. It’s a time to help each other not just cope, it’s time to help each other grow and learn more effective ways of responding to well…… everything!

Smile, laugh, walk barefoot, and stay sane. You can do it. We all can do it. And reach out to touch someone (virtually that is) so we can all get through this together.

And whenever you feel down, just think about the power of that diminutive lady, Ruth Bader Ginsburg who overcame challenge after challenge in her life and made all of our lives better.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Growth

Can You Really Change YOUR Habits?

Sylvia Lafair
August 19, 2020
coping, habits, work

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I did it again. It doesn’t really matter exactly what I did except I thought I had changed my awful habit and it just came back today and bit me in the butt.

I ask you, “How long does it take for a new behavior to become automatic?

I’ll do my best to keep this short. Cause my old pattern of behavior is to go on and on and on.

The biggest problem is I like to tell jokes and get people to like me by making them laugh.

It’s more like when I go on and on and make people laugh, I keep them captive and then I think I’m in charge. At least that’s what the self- help books tell me.

Okay. Back to what habit I am desperately wanting to kick out of my life.

It’s about being ACCEPTED.

I’m resisting the addiction to stop and tell a joke right about now so you will like me.

I tell jokes to gain approval.

Here’s the short story. I thought I was getting good at not diverting the real issues when meetings get tense… It didn’t work. I have folks at my company furious with me because of my jokes.

Then I feel guilty. Even though the jokes I told yesterday I thought were really funny. At least, everyone laughed.

Here is one I told. Let me know what you think.

I mentioned that someone I know was bitching about hair salons not being open and I said “Look, the only ones who think liquor stores are more important to stay open rather than salons are bald-headed alcoholics.”

The executive team laughed and then wanted to get back to a very tough issue that had to get handled.

I did it again.

Told another joke. And I got a text from the top honcho asking me to call her after the meeting.

I got reamed on the carpet (I’m resisting another joke here) and was told to cut the jokes that were annoying in the meetings.

I can’t stop. It’s like an addiction for attention. That’s what the books say.

I know you are known for helping people change old habits and patterns.

What am I missing and what do you suggest?

Signed,

Mighty Tired

Dear Mighty Tired,

It sounds like you want a quick answer to a long-standing issue.

Just know that all habits were not created equal.

Some started when you were a kid. Some began in adolescence from peer pressure. Others creep up in adulthood. And some sadly, are handed to us without our permission from generations past.

The good news is when you stop skirting the issue and get down to what is really driving your behavior you can change it.

Let’s take a look at your behavior pattern of being a clown in staff meetings. I have a sense it is because when there is tension in a room, you have to be the one to take over with a joke to decrease the stress.

Right now, stress is over the top for most of us.

More than you wanting to be accepted there is something else. I believe you want to make people feel better during these tough times.

Let’s look at that caring part of you rather than the part of you that is needy.

You want to help. That, dear Mighty Tired, is good.

Focus on the positive rather than see yourself as a hungry baby needing approval, see that you want to help.

Keep that in your mind as I guide you to begin the project of diminishing the clown pattern.

First, begin to observe yourself. Take small steps.

When everything in you wants to tell another joke bite your lip, scribble on a pad of paper, tap your fingers on your knee, pinch your arm. Do anything to keep from telling jokes during times that are filled with conflict and upset.

Start a journal. Note how hard it is to keep your mouth shut when stress hits the hot button. Jot down how you feel when you see the team squirm in discomfort as tough decisions are made.

I have an educated guess that as you were growing up you were the one to jump in with jokes to ease whatever upset was in the family.

That was good and caring. You just have to redesign the how and when of your jokes.

You may want to get a copy of THE PATTERN AWARE SUCCESS GUIDE which will guide you for 90 days of pattern transformation.

Keep the goal in front of you. The change will take months, not days. This Guide will help you train your brain to behave the way you want.

Please remember, changing behavior is a process, not a single event.

Then call me with some funny jokes. I don’t want you to lose your talent as a clown. I want to help you become more of a humorist who can tell a joke at the right time.

And just so you know, I love what you said about hair salons and liquor stores. It made me laugh.

Here’s you your success,

Sylvia

Are you ready to break out of the habits and fix your work relationships? Check out Don’t Bring it to Work, a book all about keeping your work at work and your life at home.

Change, diversity, Growth, Gutsy, Leadership

Can You Remember?

Sylvia Lafair
July 8, 2020

Can you remember the first time words were thrown your way that would bite and sting?

Was it the color of your skin, the shape of your eyes? Perhaps you had a “funny accent” that someone imitated and you stopped talking.

Did you live on the “other” side of town, or wear out-of-style, hand-me-down clothes?

Did you go to the “wrong” church?

Were you too fat, thin, tall, or short?

Can you remember…..

Here is a story from one of my clients when we did the “Can You Remember” exercise in our diversity program “Connections: Results Through Relationships” for her company.

Anita, a well-respected corporate lawyer squirmed in her chair as we began to look back at the slings and arrows that so many of us had to endure as children, and sadly, still do to this day.

She was just turning four, playing with her next-door neighbor in the yard. She ran into the house to tell her mother she needed a bath. It was the middle of the afternoon and her mother said “Honey, you were just playing outside for ten minutes; you are clean and fine.”

“No,” Anita insisted. “Mary told me to go home and wash my body cause I’m dirty. I need a bath right now!”

Her mother took a deep breath and began the first part of “the talk.” She told her daughter she was not dirty and that her skin was naturally that beautiful cocoa color.

The little girl marched out to announce to her little friend that this was her skin color, only to come back crying.

“Mary said she would not play with me until my skin was clean and white.”

Anita looked around the room. Some of her colleagues expressed anger at the unfairness. Others were simply sad at the state of the world. And there were those who looked down, deep in their own thoughts.

Anita took a long breath bringing herself back into the present time. “You know that rhyme ‘Sticks and stones can break your bones, but names can never hurt you?’ Of course, it’s not true. One word, one snide smile can bring back all those dreaded childhood memories.

She looked around at her colleagues, these co-workers with whom she shared so much of her days.

“What do you do,” she asked “when someone at work says something unfair or unkind to you, or even worse, behind your back just loud enough for you to hear? Do you shut down and walk away; retort and play the gotcha game; complain to human resources?

“I am so tired of all the legal work I have to do around this still unsettled area of diversity. I am yearning for change and yet..” her voice trailed off.

The workplace should be a major force for the long term, positive change. It begins by creating a place where there is enough psychological safety for teams to gather and hear each other’s stories about “Can you remember?” (excerpt from UNIQUE: How Story Sparks Diversity, Inclusion, and Engagement”)

We need programs that will go upriver to find the multiple sources of the toxins that cause so much division in our human family.

It can be done and this time in our world development is demanding change.

The mandate of today’s workplace is about more than just the bottom line. It’s a place where real change can be fostered and where people flourish. The paradox is, that when people thrive and care about each other, the bottom line will also show the benefits.

I would love to hear your story about “Can YOU Remember?” If you like, It could be included in my next book “UNIQUE and CONNECTED.”

Business, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Stress

Telling the Truth: Not for Wimps

Sylvia Lafair
July 1, 2020

Why does telling the truth have to be so darn hard?

So much information, so much confusion.

Who do you believe?

Which media outlets are pushing out fake news and which are telling the honest, open truth?

Anyone?

No one?

Telling the Truth: Not for Wimps

If you missed out on being part of past revolutions, like the revolution of 1776, or the 1960s, now is your chance to be part of a revolution that is underway right now.

It’s about something that can be terrifying.

It causes excessive amounts of stress.

It’s about telling the truth, and especially, telling truth to power.

Leaders today are under so much scrutiny and that’s a good thing. There has always been the “backroom truth” and the “public truth.”

Truth is coming into the public domain thanks to social media.

Telling the Truth is Good for Business

The organizations I have worked with that have truth as a core value has been successful. Because what is found is that telling the truth is good for business.

It increases trust and trust increases collaboration and enhances creativity.

Now, every revolution needs a bumper sticker. Remember “No taxation without representation” or “Make love, not war”?

How bout now “The truth shall set you free.”

We all want honest people in Congress, in our corporations, family businesses, start-up companies.

At the core of who we are, I believe we would all prefer having someone telling the truth instead of being set up and scammed.

Let’s see truth-telling become the way we work.

Let’s see leaders step it up and model truth-telling and requiring the truth from those who report to them.

No more denying or ignoring, no more playing CYA to avoid being held accountable. Being honest is at the tipping point of gaining respect once again.

Diversity and Truth-Telling

In her Pulitzer Prize-winning book “Team of Rivals” Doris Kearns Goodwin underlines how talking truth to power created the tension between despair and conviction that helped accentuate truth and encourage trust.

During times of revolution as well as times of accelerated evolution the extremes of the good the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful are highlighted.

That time is now.

Here’s some good news. YOU can develop skills to deliver difficult feedback, manage resistance to change, orchestrate conflict resolution, and keep stress levels from going through the roof.

More good news. You do not have to be a charismatic orator for the truth to be heard and accepted.

More good news. When you tell the truth, you have less to remember.

Pioneers on the Road to Truth

Are you ready to be a pioneer to demand truth at work and in the community? Are you ready to stand for calling out brutality, be it from police or those who want to polarize the world?

If you get concerned about what happens when you tell the truth, think like the child in the tale The Emperor’s New Clothes.

During the time of the Emperor’s reign, vanity and greed made it possible for clever con men to make a financial bundle.

They convinced the Emperor, who was a shallow and self-absorbed Narcissist that only the “pure of heart” would be able to see his new royal garb. Brilliant ‘spin doctors’, the clothes were spun of ‘fools cloth, as in great marketing with no substantial product. And then the ‘piece de resistance’, a viral PR campaign that hypnotized the whole town into an agreement. After all, wouldn’t you want to be in the ‘pure of heart’ camp? So, when the Emperor rode into town ‘al fresco’ it took an innocent little kid to shout “BUT THE EMPEROR IS NAKED”!

That innocence, that willingness to speak out and say the truth is often drummed out of us early in life. It’s time for that to change.

Telling the Truth is Riveting

So, like the Emperor’s town folk, is it safer to pretend, to not see? Say the words ‘not see’ over a few times, say them quickly, and notice you are saying Nazi”!

When we play it safe it causes us to lose our magic, our zest for courageously questioning the status quo or situations that lack a clear focus.

Telling the truth is NOT for wimps.

We are starting to see a global groundswell for change, for truth, for the trust for really understanding that we are all part of the human race and no one wins unless we all do.

Join the movement by telling the truth and the reconciliation so needed in our world right now.

Business, Change, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

The Courage to Change: Diversity, Inclusion, and Engagement

Sylvia Lafair
June 10, 2020

“What’s the big deal! Diversity issues are not new.”

That’s what I hear from so many leaders recently.

They call to vent and complain. They want an easy answer to this “diversity thing.”

They ask if I can create a customized program that will stop the noise and demands from employees and the community.

And, how fast can I deliver?

They want to check the diversity box as done.

Of course, they don’t say that so blatantly, yet, it is in their worried voices.

Before they click off from phones or Zoom the sighs are audible and the generalized response is, “It’s not going to really change. You know it and I know it. It’s just going to be more BS window dressing. Please, just get it done.”

I sense in the discouragement and frustration they wish “IT” would just go away.

When I ask what is the “IT” they want to go away, most say, “All the demands and conflicts so we can just get back to business.”

Occasionally, someone says,

“I’m yearning for change. I want it for my company, for this country, for the world. I can feel the deep desire for us to all be better, do better.”

However, even these comments still end with,

“And yet…” as they trail off, still hoping for simple answers and not expecting long term solutions.

ANGER, DETERMINATION, DESPAIR, HOPE

We have seen it all too often.

Something happens that sparks an outpouring of emotion and a demand for change as thoughts and feelings get tangled together.

Here’s what I find.

Anger is coupled with the determination to do more, so long as it is done quickly.

Despair joins forces with hope, so long as hope wins quickly.

Ambivalence and willingness to move forward combine, so long as we move quickly.

Hopelessness that humans can’t really change links with the belief that change can happen, so long as the change happens quickly.

Notice the pattern here.

This push-pull is inherent in human nature.

It’s also part of human nature to accept the challenge and find the courage to change.

Growth comes from this tug of war between the comfort of sameness and the uncertainty of new ways. Think homeostasis and entropy.

“What do we do? Give up or keep going?” I am asked by seasoned executives and millennial start-up captains.

Here is my response.

SHORT- TERM OR LONG -TERM ACTIONS: WHAT REALLY MATTERS

Eventually, rage and anger go quiet. At least overtly.

Then there appears to be more willingness to meet and talk.

The problem is that the talk is often old and stale, filled with platitudes, promises, placating, positioning.

And while progress in these discussions does offer baby steps, they never end up with a full sprint to something new and sustainable. Something truly transformational.

Why?

Two reasons.

First, because we want fast solutions to keep our stress and anxiety under control. That’s our instant, twitter world.

Next, because people, and I mean most of us, have not been adequately taught the important skills needed to tell the truth and listen to others, not at home nor at school.

Telling the truth can be embarrassing. It makes you vulnerable.

Thus, what shows up instead is ‘too-muchness’: Too much polarization. Too much ‘my way or the highway’ responding too much posturing.

Right now, while there is a demand, in most organizations, for new, relevant diversity programs we have an opportunity to do it differently.

Here is one perspective for a program that may well have long term benefits.

WHAT’S YOUR STORY?

Diversity, emotional intelligence, pattern awareness, communication skills, personal and professional growth need to be combined into one program.

Not another extra “check the box” diversity program. It’s about whole-person leadership education.

And it takes time.

Leadership education has a good sound. It has been available for small elite business groups until now.

Call it leadership and diversity training if you want. Or just call it people education.

What I’m talking about is leadership education for all of us. It’s about how to lead your own life, communicate effectively, resolve conflict, find work/life balance. How to be a leader for others, without blaming, judging, or attacking.

And it starts with a story.

I suggest the power of story, your story, my story, her story, his story is where the action lies for longer-term, sustainable change.

No, not just a stage presentation to impress. And not just snippets. I mean the whole story.

The trick is to make it safe enough for your story to be told.

I mean a deep dive into what has made you, formed your decisions, shaped your unconscious bias, given you hopes and dreams.

Did you ever meet someone you thought was a bonafide asshole only to find yourself seeing and hearing that individual differently once you know their story?

Maybe even tilt toward beginning to like him or her?

Who knows? Could happen.

As Harvard professor, Howard Gardner states:

“Stories are the single most powerful weapon in a leader’s arsenal”

STORY AT WORK AND IN THE COMMUNITY: SANKOFA MAPPING

We developed Sankofa Mapping 25 years ago using the ideas behind this powerful word as a specific method of storytelling that helps you connect the dots of your life.

Sankofa, an African word from the Akan tribe in Ghana, the literal meaning is “go back and get it.”

The symbol is of a mythical bird with its head turned backwards while flying forward. There is an egg that the bird picks up from its back to bring into the present time. It symbolizes the still fertile and living parts of the past that should not be discarded.

It’s a symbol to clear the past and free the present for the future.

Sankofa Mapping is part of our whole person leadership program, regardless of where you fit on the leadership continuum.

After all, you are the leader of your own life. Right?

This can be done both in an individual or a group process. I love the group way. It helps you connect with others to hear their stories and lets them hear you.

It opens minds and hearts at the same time.

It’s a mental and emotional chart so you can observe, understand, and then transform areas of your life as you see fit.

You learn to go back and retrieve it. Go back and retrieve what? Curious? Look up the word epigenetics.

It helps leaders and those they support get underneath what causes rifts and separations that then cause gossip, backbiting, power games, bullying, lawsuits, and the burden of high stress.

I have found that the story approach we developed using SANKOFA MAPPING gives a bold, new way to listen to and talk with each other for positive, lasting change to happen.

It is time for whole-person leadership education that includes diversity. Or, if you will, a diversity program that includes the whole person.

Learning what to listen for and how to respond can be life-changing.

If not now, when?

Best,

Sylvia

P.S. More information about the SANKOFA MAPPING Method is available in both my books, Don’t Bring It To Work, and in UNIQUE: How Story Sparks Diversity, Inclusions, and Engagement. Or you can contact me at sylvia@ceoptions.com

P.P.S. Here is an excerpt from UNIQUE.

This is part of the story from a lawyer at a Fortune 100 company:

I was just turning four and was playing with my next-door neighbor in the back yard. I ran into the house and told my mother I needed a bath. It was the middle of the afternoon and my mother said “Honey, you were just playing outside for ten minutes; you are clean, and you are fine.

“No,” I insisted. “Mary told me to go home and wash the dirt from my body, and I NEED a bath right now.”

My mother took a deep breath and explained to me I was NOT dirty; it was just that my skin was naturally that beautiful cocoa color.

I marched back out to announce that I was fine and that was my real skin color. “Mary said she would not play with me until my skin was clean and white.”

This is part of Anita’s story. One of the results of sharing this in her leadership program was that she was no longer willing to stay silent at work, no longer willing to “blend into the background.”

She started some evening programs in the community near the corporate headquarters for high-risk youth and their parents. She worked to get some of the empty rooms at corporate to be used for the meetings. It has made a difference.

Change, Growth, Leadership

Is There A Common Future?

Sylvia Lafair
June 5, 2020

Here is the BIG QUESTION: What is the destination?

STOP!

Do not answer just yet.

George Floyd’s gruesome death has led us to ask. Covid-19 has caused us to ask.

Those marching in protest, those looting, those salivating for violence, have all come together to lead us down the road, once again, so we have a forum to discuss our common future.

The hopeful say, “This time things will change.”

The doubters say, “Not much will change.”

And the in-be–tweeners say “Whatever!”

However, here is a part of what we are missing.

ACCEPTING SECOND BEST SOLUTIONS

Most of the time we grab onto anything we think looks and sounds like change. Anything that will calm down the tensions.

The reason we want to solve so fast is to keep our anxiety levels under control.

I will repeat.

The reason we go to a solution so fast is to limit our stress and anxiety.

Then we say, “Whew, that’s handled” we take a deep breath and get on to what is next.

If that works, great. Then you can go on to solve a new problem.

HOWEVER, if the same problem keeps repeating, that’s another story.

Then you are dealing with a pattern.

Patterns are harder to resolve.

We ask, why is the same thing happening again and again?

It’s because we need to get to the root of the issue and mostly, we don’t take the time to go there.

Sadly, we miss golden opportunities for real, lasting, and positive change.

Look, I can’t/won’t apologize for your discomfort.

Stay uncomfortable.

Just wait to hear me out before you run to solve the stormy issues of diversity and economic disadvantages that are plaguing us once again. (Have they ever really gone away?)

I will address these two issues in a minute.

Please read on and I promise to keep it brief.

THE UNDERLYING ISSUE: Living and working in an addicted society

Wait!

Before you shrug and think you’ve heard it all before, you haven’t.

This is not about the common addictions everyone knows.

I’m not talking about the need to reach out for alcohol, cocaine, pharmaceutical drugs, comfort food, cars, boats, houses, clothes, sex, pornography, guns, violence, celebrity status.

Those are still only symptoms of the real addictions.

I’m talking about our cultural addiction to power.

That’s it.

That’s at the core of so much of the crap going on today.

THE WORKPLACE, POWER, AND ADDICTIONS

We grow up and work, that’s just what we do.

Sadly, many find this annoying way to pay our bills filled with too much stress, joyless, and lacking in meaning.

Of course, there are the lucky few, maybe you are one of them, who loves your work.

Keep reading anyway.

You see, the work world reinforces the deeper addictions that keep us all stuck, so we keep running incessantly on a very outdated treadmill.

List of modern workplace addictions:

Confused or indirect communications
Emails and texts to avoid face to face confrontations
Gossip
A cover-up of underlying problems
Avoidance of talking about real feelings
Taking NO as an insult demanding revenge
Success at any cost, mostly to family
Creating divisive teams forcing us to choose sides
Complicit agreement to look the other way
An excessive need to defend, explain, justify, or blame others
Limited ability to listen or ask open-ended questions
Worship of bottom line
Ignore or deny the pain of others in society
Co-dependency to keep from changing
Striving to be the best (which is an impossible place to stay)
Avoid or deny an impact on the environment

That’s enough.

You can add it to the list.

Do you see how work stress and dis-ease leads to the rest of the more common addictions?

What, I know you’re saying as you get annoyed, that this is not answering your questions about discrimination and economic inequality.

Yes, it is.

Read over the list again.

What does the list above have in common?

I’ll give you a pass on this one.

Here’s the answer.

Faulty relationship patterns.

They start in the family and show up in the workplace.

PSYCHOLOGICAL PRISONS

Faulty relationships keep us in psychological prisons. This includes our internal relationship with ourselves.

They breed the desire for addictive substances.

The relationships I’m talking about here suck the lifeblood from us.

I’m talking about power: domination of rich over poor, powerful over weak, men over women, light skin over dark skin.

We protest, we march, we chant.

Why?

We want to be free.

My contention is, that we can only loosen the chains by looking at how we communicate in relationships and choose to transform to a more effective way.

THE DESTINATION TO A COMMON FUTURE

It’s time to “put our money where our mouth is” and create a learning society.

This is not a revolution carried out by armies, not a knowledge revolution left in the hands of experts.

It is a call to put corporate, community, and school resources into teaching effective communication, conflict resolution, diversity, and business skills.

Then continue to teach these skills in the workplace.

This change is not a quick fix and it’s not sexy.

I suggest this start with family sessions in all communities offering models of partnership over power.

This is a preventive addiction model and a pattern disrupter to move from power to partnership.

I have done this in cities and rural areas that I thought would laugh me out of town.

I saw that people will show up if they are getting something for themselves.

They showed up.

That is the essence of my book UNIQUE: How Story Sparks Diversity, Inclusion, and Engagement.

This is not to force people to behave in a certain way. It’s to give them the choice to change outdated ways of talking and being together.

Our common future will still have conflict, disagreements, and disappointments.

The difference is we can learn together to honor each other, listen, and respond with dignity and appreciation for each other.

Business, Change, Communication, Growth, Success

Ways to Move Toward OUR COMMON FUTURE

Sylvia Lafair
June 3, 2020

How do you, yes you, engage in the complex time that is upon us all right now?

When circumstances demand change what do you do?

Do you retreat, hoping for the way it was?

Do you want to clear out everything familiar and start from scratch?

Do you complain and blame “them” (whoever that may be)?

Do you want law and order or peace at any price?

This is what I have been hearing from those in my executive leadership coaching program: “I just want peace” while others say, “I want to feel empowered” and still others say, “Just leave me alone, cause I don’t care.”

Here I have some suggestions as we begin the long and winding road to the next phase of our common future.

Peace Sounds Good

Being at peace means no conflict at home or work, no fighting with neighbors, no angry protestors, no mobs who grab whatever they can, no polarization, no violence of any form.

Except this is straight from “La La Land.”

Change the word peace to growth and we can continue to discuss.

Growth is always connected with conflict.

And change is also connected with conflict.

Real peace, growth, and change go together.

Move from Peace to Empowerment

The next step we need to take right now is empowerment.

Let me explain.

The word empowerment is coming up more and more these days

So, what does it really mean?

The word empowerment creates a feeling of excitement.

It’s both personal and collective.

When someone can say they are empowered they have taken their skills and talents to make a difference for themselves and others.

From Power to Empowerment

Showing force and power is NOT the same as being empowered.

Empowerment is a different kind of power.

It’s about standing for what can benefit both you and those around you with a deep understanding of how your behavior will impact others now and in the future.

Ask questions and listen to the answers. Start the debate and then change to dialogue.

Debate to Dialogue

Debate, by definition, has winners and losers.

Dialogue is much different It’s a route to listening to and learning from each other.

Here’s a choice for you for these days: As a leader, do you want and need to be powerful, or do you want to take that fierce step to be truly empowered?

It takes real courage, inner strength, creativity, and pattern-breaking spontaneity to begin the task of real change.

Join me.

I am starting a group to discuss the role empowered leaders can play right here and right now based on my book “UNIQUE: How Story Sparks Diversity, Inclusion, and Engagement.”

If you want to join the group please email me at sylvia@ceoptions.com for more information.

To our connected future,

Sylvia

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Growth, Patterns, Success

How to Deal with a Narcissist

Sylvia Lafair
May 20, 2020

I’ve been getting lots of questions about how to deal with the narcissist lately. I began to wonder if this personality type is more prevalent, or at least more obvious during times of extra stress.

So, I did a deep dive into various publications and paid special attention to the news.

Yes, there are lots of Narcissists in the news.

I have a few that stand out for me.

How about you? I’d love to compare notes.

Then I started to think about where narcissism starts. It led me right back to my book where I sort through the behavior patterns and personality traits that are part of our developmental years.

The patterns I discuss in ‘Don’t Bring It to Work” are the ones that we learned as kids from our original organization, the family, and bring with us to work.

They get in the way of connection, communication, and collaboration at work (and at home, I might add).

The pattern I discuss in detail that comes closest to the narcissist is the Super Achiever. That is the individual I call the “me, me, me guy or gal.”

Super Achievers and Narcissists are very much alike.

They boast about how good they are.

They are not team players.

They steal ideas from others and claim them for their own.

They talk a great game.

They show off and claim they have special talents yet, without much substance.

They are self-obsessed.

They damage others without thought of consequences.

They cut off people rather than work through issues.

They love high-end material things and shiny objects that cost lots of money.

They ghost people who no longer matter in their quest for greatness.

They claim to care about you, and about making the world a better place.

And, truth be told, they really never care about you unless you can do something for them.

Super achievers and narcissists don’t want to change. Often, they are not even aware of how self-indulgent they are.

They want you to cater to them, bow to them and listen to them. They KNOW better about what really matters.

Got the idea

Now for the downside. (Yes, there is more).

The super achiever and the narcissist also have a great deal of victim psychology underneath the bravado. They play the victim card when they feel they are being disrespected or discarded.

You hear “No one ever asks if I’m okay and I do so much for so many.”

Just notice when someone you know who thinks they are King or Queen of the Hill decides you or whoever has discounted them.

You get fired if you have the unholy privilege of working for them.

You are talked about in negative ways.

You are thrown out of their very tight-knit tribe.

You will be the target of their revenge.

Do you get the drift?

Now, what to do if you are in a relationship with, work with, or just happen to be around one of these destructive types of people.

Here’s what I suggest you do.

STOP!.

Just stop playing into their narrative or it will cost you emotionally and/or fiscally.

They may write a book and you will be slimed. They will not support you and you may end up jobless. They will make sure you are considered untrustworthy and unwanted by their ‘in-crowd.’

Enough! You get it.

Be careful.

I had a super achieving narcissist do some marketing for me years ago. It cost a ton of wasted money till I woke up.

It was expensive hogwash.

And yet, I learned a great deal about my own weakness for being ‘romanced’ and told how great my work is and what he could do to help me.

I had to address how and why I got entrapped by this narcissist.

Did I change my relationship with Mr. Narcissist?

No.

However, from that awful, expensive encounter I learned some uncomfortable truths about myself.

Just sayin!

There is good news, however,

Patterns can be transformed into their healthy opposite with some inner work about how they developed in the first place. The super achiever/narcissist can become a powerful creative collaborator who is respected and really does make a difference.

Want to know the top 13 top patterns at work and their positive transformations?

I’ve got a fascinating video series that explains each one and you’ll get clarity about what might be holding you back!

>>CLICK HERE TO START WATCHING<<

Business, Change, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Change: What really matters as we begin to create the new normal?

Sylvia Lafair
May 13, 2020

Change is inevitable however, we’ve been thrown into change, more change than we’ve ever expected to experience in our lifetimes. So how do we figure what really matters as we begin to create the new normal?

I want to share the story where the president of a company I work with recently called me and said the following:

“I don’t want to change. I like who I am. I’m smart and capable. And I’m damn mad that my route to success has been hijacked.”

After he stopped his ranting about life not being fair, about all the hard work he had done now seemingly going down the tubes, about the fact that he didn’t create this crazy, confusing, world, he finally took a breath and got quiet.

I waited.

He began again.

Only this time I heard a quiver in his voice as he said quietly “Everything I have worked for all these years may have been a big waste of time.”

I said the magic words I so often teach people to say when someone is upset.

“TELL ME MORE.” Was all I requested and then I shut up.

It took him a few extra seconds before he began again.

“I’m scared. I’m worried about the future. I’m worried for my staff and I’m worried about my family. I just don’t know what else to do.”

I sat and waited. My nod on that Zoom call was one of “Okay, tell me more.” (I didn’t say it, I just waited).

And then he finally tapped into what I have labeled “the F word.”

He started to talk about his FEELINGS.

We know, as more information about neuropsychology becomes available, that emotions and facts cannot live without each other. It really is impossible to think without feeling.

No matter how hard we want to compartmentalize, emotions push their way to couple with logic.

My question to him, and to you is “How do you handle the worry you have about things you cannot control?”

Look, everyone is worried about the state of the world right now. When will things return to ‘business as usual’?

I believe it will become “business as unusual.”

Do you have any guesses about what your work world will look like six months or a year from now?

Now is the time to re-think and re-feel what really matters as we begin to create the new normal.

That triple bottom line is more important than ever before: people, planet, profits.

Back to my client.

He started to respond in his typical manner (the main reason he became a client) to blame, judge, and justify.

“It’s his fault, her fault, their fault.”

Yet, very quickly he realized he was reverting to old, outdated ways of responding.

Then very quietly he said, “I don’t know how to react when I’m not in control.”

Ah, he was now ready, I was ready, we were ready

Time for a change of mindset.

You can’t practice it like you do a golf swing.

Or, maybe it’s not so different.

You look at the ball and check with your eyes to see where you want it to go. You take a deep breath and use the best techniques you have learned to let the golf club make the ball go where you think it should go.

And then you wait.

You watch the air take the ball to wherever.

Instead of the physical world of golf clubs and golf balls, it’s the world of mindsets and reactions.

You practice almost like you would with a golf swing. By observing yourself differently and the way you have ordered your world.

You spend time addressing what triggers you to upset. You stop long enough to look at where you want your reactions to go. You take a deep breath and use the best techniques you have learned to get your response where you think it should be.

And then you wait.

You watch your reaction take your words wherever.

And then you wait.

The more you attempt to control everything, the more stress you feel.

Sometimes you win and other times you don’t.

Yet, you keep practicing to get the best outcome possible.

Once my client could relate to our session like a golf lesson, he was more ready to do his best and let go of things out of his control.

Can you do the same?

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