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Business, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Managing Stress, Stress

What are your usual coping mechanisms?

Sylvia Lafair
April 1, 2020

I did a survey asking the following question: What are your usual coping mechanisms?

Take a minute and answer it for yourself.

The responses I received went from “Eating junk food” to “Playing games online” to “Binge-watching “Tiger King” to “Mixing a batch of martinis” and on and on.

Most responses were about indulging in one way or another. Indulge means to participate in an activity that is undesirable or disapproved of and doing it much too often.

I hear you saying “Just zip it and no preaching, please. Not now. Not when I must adjust to life changes that I didn’t choose. I just want some comfort. Is that so bad?”

Nope, not bad at all.

Although, maybe, just maybe, there are more positive ways to spend your time.

We retreat to indulgences when we feel threatened and want to run to a safe, familiar place for our own survival.

That brings me to a Cherokee legend that we all need to think about. You see, when crises and change are upon us, we have choices.

There are two wolves and they are always fighting.

One is darkness and despair, the other light and hope.

Which one wins?

The one you feed!

Listen closely and you can hear LIFE requesting you to use the reset button. Right here and right now. Requesting you think differently, change your habits. Stop indulging.

Here’s a way to think about which wolf you are feeding right here and right now and what you can do differently.

There is the survival brain. And there is the creative brain.

The survival brain is vital for safety. Its goal is to keep you out of harm’s way. It is in the brain stem and the limbic system. A Key player is the amygdala (what I have named Amy Hijack). It’s responsible for detecting fear and preparing for emergency events. It then sends a message of “danger here” to the hypothalamus to trigger a fight or flight response.

The emotions in the survival brain include anxiety, anger, disappointment, shame, revenge, regret, and blame.

Many of us live there most of the time.

The creative brain is in the frontal cortex, hippocampus, basal ganglia and white matter.

The emotions here include curiosity, peacefulness, empathy, joy, calmness, ability to plan, joy and gratitude.

OKAY.

Which area of the brain do you want to feed?

Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuropsychologist said it best. Known as Hebb’s law: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” And that means, with enough repetitions, your thoughts and behaviors become ingrained patterns.

Now, that’s a game-changer.

What does this mean to you? Yes, you. You going through changing times that require you to adapt and adjust?

It means in a short sentence, “The more we move away from fear and defeat and move toward curiosity and exploration, the more we feed the creative brain.”

Which part of your brain do you want to feed right now?

Keep an eye out for my brand new masterclass “How to Practice Safe Stress During Times of Distress” and learn the mental/emotional exercises to feed the part of your brain that will support better health and more success.

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Managing Stress, Stress

7 Ways to “Practice Safe Stress” during times of confusion and chaos

Sylvia Lafair
March 25, 2020

What do you do when others are driving you nuts? When you can’t seem to catch your breath because so much is being asked of you? When you must change your schedule to please others who claim to need you ‘right now’?

Do you go on the attack and say whatever comes to mind to get back at the offenders?

Or do you slide away quietly and go into hibernation, hoping that by ignoring the situation, you will be ok?

Guess what?

Attacking or retreating leads to the same place. More aggravation.

Either way, you lose!

Using these typical methods to handle stress won’t solve the problem.

Okay, you want to know what will solve the problem?

Do you want to learn how to practice safe stress?

Here are some ideas to help you gain control when you begin to wobble while responding to others.

FIRST: Where do your emotions reside? In Freakoutville or Zombieville?

FREAKOUTVILLE is filled with:

Drama kings and queens who take up all the space with their rantings
Rebels who are never willing to compromise
Superachievers who push everyone aside, so they are always first
Bully persecutors who put others down to feel good about themselves

ZOMBIEVILLE is filled with:

Procrastinators who make excuses so they cannot be held accountable
Avoiders who run in the other direction to avoid conflict
Deniers who pretend that all is fine and won’t look at difficulties
Pleasers who say yes to be liked and pretend they are happy to help

What is your primary pattern of responding?

Once you can pinpoint your typical way of responding you can learn to “reverse the curse” of getting your buttons pushed and falling victim to your own worn out, repetitive ways of responding.

Yes, it is a curse to keep getting caught in outdated, ineffective ways of behaving.

Only YOU can make the changes to get out of Freakoutville or Zombieville and get into the SAFE STRESS ZONE.

Here’s how:

1. Think like a computer: Unbridled emotions can limit confidence, communication, and creativity (the 3 C’s of success). Be like a computer and press the delete button once you see you are in the extremes of either Freakoutville or Zombieville.
2. See the pattern as AAP: It’s just ‘Another Annoying Pattern’ brought to you from the depths of your nervous system meant to keep you safe and secure when you were a kid and no longer needed.
3. Don’t feed the weed: When you pull young weeds from the garden it is super easy to get rid of them. If you feed the weeds, they will grow deep roots and you must tug and tug to get them out.
4. Stop the avalanche: Snowballs are fun to throw until they become so large you no longer have control. Maybe make a snowman and put a sock over its mouth.

Once is NOT enough: Staying in either extreme of overreacting or underreacting will continue to pop up, like pimples on a teenage face. So, keep clearing your thoughts and please don’t pick at the scabs.

Stand and be counted: Good posture helps diminish stress. Not only do you look better, but you also breathe better, and more oxygen in your body makes for a better mood. Stand, smile (even if you need to fake it at first) and in a few minutes the anger will subside.

Shrug IT OFF: Bring your shoulders to your ears and then let them drop. Do this rapidly. Inhale while you raise your shoulders and exhale when you lower. Think “Is this worth fighting or hiding” and just shrug it off as you walk into the safe stress zone to communicate effectively.

Practicing SAFE STRESS comes from being able, to tell the truth, stand for what is right, and learning how to say no without having to defend, explain or justify. You learn to be heard, accepted and appreciated.

Even better, you save your energy for what is fun and creative rather than staying stuck in anger.

Safe stress is good for you, it’s good for the world.

Business, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles

Have the Rules for Competent Leaders Changed?

Sylvia Lafair
March 11, 2020
competent leaders, Leaders, Leadership, leadership rules, Leadership Success

Have the rules for competent leaders changed over time?

Has social media and the fast pace of the world made the qualities of what real leadership is so different?

I say NO.

I spent time researching what the leaders of old did to keep projects moving quickly. I spent time looking at what was expected of leadership teams and leadership development way back when there were so few ways of calculating and keeping records

Here is what I found.

There are 5 qualities of competent leaders that have not changed over the centuries.

I was musing about this looking at old photos from when we took a group of senior executives on our “Leadership in Action” trip to Peru.

When we visited Machu Picchu, I was awestruck by the buildings fused together without mortar, as if dropped from the sky in the middle of this gorgeous Andean mountain range. I asked and really pondered over the magnificence, thinking “How’d they do that?”

Then on another trip to Egypt, I stood in awe at the base of the Great Pyramid of Giza and had the same thought, “How’d they do that?”

I imagined the leadership teams that were assigned the tasks of getting these sites completed. I mused about the challenges and disputes that likely occurred. How did the ancient leadership executives get the jobs done?

Here are the 5 qualities of competent leaders that have lasted over time and are still in place today. Please let me know if you agree.

Quality #1: Effective communication.

Whether by megaphone or cell phone, a key requirement is to let people know what is expected of them. The words and the images these words create are vital to getting to the goal.

Finding the exact ways of requesting and requiring what has to happen is a skill for leaders that transcends the centuries.

Quality #2: Preparation.

Being proactive is the ability to make things fall into place, rather than merely responding after the fact. When you are prepared, you can, in a sense, see the future before it occurs.

You study the weather, the adversaries, the details, and you are ready to intervene rather than be at the mercy of unforeseen events.

Quality #3: Listening.

Leaders pay attention to the body language, gossip, rumblings of the subtle discontent. It’s not about arguing and making others feel stupid or unnecessary.

It’s about taking in all the information to make the most effective decisions rather than grandstand what you and only you think and want.

Quality #4: Understanding the system.

Knowing how the whole is connected to the parts is critical for leaders. It has been said that when someone sneezes in India, someone in Indiana may catch a cold (or a virus).

The ability to facilitate sustainable change by identifying and strengthening positive connections and limiting the negative implications of a project is a high-level leadership skill.

Quality #5: Balance macro and micro initiatives.

Finding the sweet spot between too much or too little interaction keeps things moving smoothly. The need to exert excessive control can kill creative energy and teams become like robots. However, on the other side, letting it be a free-for-all creates havoc and shoddy work results.

The key is offering suggestions and making definite calls in the moment, where they are required while permitting input from others, is the sign of adept leaders.

While the modern workplace is now volatile, bewildering and frustrating, is it really that different in the human requirements?

My e-book, “5 Leadership Development Lessons” continues the dialogue and is available here.

Comments? Send me an email or better yet, pick up your smartphone and call me.

Communication, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Getting the Rebels Who Challenge Everything You Do to Comply

Sylvia Lafair
February 26, 2020
Communication, communication skills, getting the rebels, Leadership, leadership skills, rebels

You have the skills to be a leader. You are given great feedback about how well you communicate.

So, why is it still a struggle to get some of the rebels who challenge everything you do to comply with what you want done?

You question yourself all the time, wondering if you must always fire and hire to get rid of the troublemakers.

And yet, even with new hires you can’t be right all the time.

Lately, do you question yourself?

Maybe, just maybe, it could be in the way you handle the rebels.

Here is what Matt wrote, bet you can relate:

Dear Dr. Lafair: In reading your book “Don’t Bring It To Work” I began to realize that frustration and conflict at work is a two-way street. Until now, I always viewed the ‘troublemaker’ rebel at work as THE PROBLEM.

I would tell HR to get them out of the place as fast as possible.

This is what I learned from understanding the basic patterns that come from how we were raised and how we bring those behaviors to work.

Wish I had learned this in my leadership development program years ago.

However, glad I know this now.

MAKING CHANGE AT WORK IS A TWO- PARTY PROCESS!!

The rebel I’m talking about is Marcy. She is so skilled at her sales job I don’t want to fire her. However, she is a pain in the ass!

She is always rebelling against authority and then she spreads the seeds of antagonism to others on her team (her team is MY team).

She is always making me wrong or undermining me and telling folks that I must be stupid.

My colleagues said, “Just fire her.” My mind kept saying, “There has to be another way.

NOW I HAVE THE OTHER WAY.

Marcy sees me as the angry parent. She told HR that she thinks I am always judging her, that I scold her, raise my voice to her (so she said). She said that I give her more work than the others on the team (not true).

I took a risk and talked with her.

Now, I didn’t want to pry, or sound like a therapist. However, I did want to figure out what I could say that would give us both a new outlook on how to respond to each other.

IT WORKED.

Here is what I did and how she responded.

I used what I would always say to my kids when they were little, I used my ‘inside voice’. I am not super loud, however, when I met with Marcy, I talked just a tad slower and monitored my tone.

I noticed that she leaned toward rather than away from me.

I asked her to describe what she needed from me when we had some disagreements to discuss.

She sat up straight and sighed.

She then told me that when I talked with her in a demanding, you better do what I say, manner, it pushed her to stand up for herself.

Yikes, I had to look at myself, not just at Marcy. Yes, that two-way street of relating.

I realized that I did sound like an angry parent. I was surprised and even a bit shocked.

That was it. I did not ask her about her childhood. I did not ask her to change. I did not challenge her. I just listened and thanked her for her candor.

Fast forward a month.

I am starting to really like this woman I called a demon rebel to myself. She is more willing to have a conversation, more willing to think about what I request of her. And, is becoming the super salesperson in our group.

She jokingly told me after our last team meeting that she no longer says to herself “Dad, I wish you would just shut up.”

So, there it is. Your idea about bringing what we learned as kids into the workplace has been validated.

Now, onto the pleaser and the avoider.

I have a new leadership skill that will save me tons of aggravation and my company tons of money. I get it, when possible “Fix em, don’t fire em!”

Thanks,

Matt (Smarter by the Day)

Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Leadership Tip: How to Engage the Petty Tyrant at Work and Win

Sylvia Lafair
February 19, 2020
Leadership, leadership skills, leadership tip

Today’s leadership tip is about something that I think just about everybody has to find and figure out what to do with at some point in their work life.

What I like to call, the petty tyrant. It’s the person who can make it crazy, because they’d like to steal your ideas and then claim them as their own. They like to tell you that they can’t get the work done. So, you have to do it and then they come in at the last minute, and they say, “Well, I’m glad that I had that great idea,” and it goes on and on and on.

So, every company I’ve ever worked with has some petty tyrants in there. Petty tyrants use psychology to really make you go wacko and if you get into what they’re saying, you’re going to have some problems.

So, you have to be able to stay far away and look at them. You have to observe what’s going on at first. I know people like to be helpful and kind and give ideas to someone else, but once you start seeing that the other person is really a grabber not a giver, it’s time for you to speak up and be cool about it. So, here are four tips. I wrote them down, so I won’t forget them.

The first one is to show some empathy why you’re saying they’re absolute jerk. So, why should I show empathy? Well, I want you to know that they’re often in pain and they often live in fear. So, I know your next thought is, so why should I care? Well, it’s okay if you care. It’s okay if you don’t but you have to know about this. So, you know what to do with it.

So, the first thing you do when you have a petty tyrant to work with, is acknowledge them. Acknowledge whatever they’ve done. Often, they’ve worked wherever it is for a much longer time than you have and they feel you may be coming in to usurp their place. So, one of the things to do is acknowledge them for anything. I mean, acknowledge that they’ve done a good job in the past. Acknowledge that they’re created something you can like.

It will begin to limit the amount of fear in the room with them when you talk with them. The next thing and this is the most important is, don’t play their game. Don’t play the “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve.” Don’t play the “but I told you.” Simply say, “What’s going on isn’t working and you begin to look from your perspective. You’re staying very centered in this.”

So, you’re not going to play into their game because they want to suck your power and they want you to be afraid of them. Don’t let it happen. Don’t play their game.

The next thing is, create boundaries.

The next time we go in a meeting and you say to me, “Oh my goodness! Can you help me with this?” Say, “No, I told you that that wouldn’t work for me,” and the fourth is, if everything else fails, get a third party to sit with the two of you. It may be somebody from HR. It may be a colleague. It may be a coach, somebody that the two of you can agree to talk with.

So, how workable is this? I’d say it’s about a 70/30 that you can tame that tyrant and make them become a friend. 70/30 though that you will become stronger in what you’re doing and feel good about yourself because you won’t play their game. You have shown empathy and you’ve created boundaries and worst case is, don’t you be the one to leave. Go and talk with somebody about what’s going on because I’m telling you, you’re probably not the only one that they’re using. They’re really users. So, be careful, be kind, be strong and go for it in your career.

You’re going to find a tyrant somewhere or other make sure that when you do, you can’t tame them.

Thanks so much. Talk to you soon.

Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Success

How To Have A Difficult Conversation Productively

Sylvia Lafair
February 5, 2020

Who do you think has the hardest time with feedback? Is it the giver or the receiver?

In most leadership development programs the focus is on how the giver, the leader discusses feedback with the receiver, the employee.

The team leader comes into the meeting armed with a pre-thought-out performance review, feedback from others on the team, and the comforting fact that they are in charge.

NOT SO FAST!

What about the individual being reviewed?

Many who have been in our Total Leadership Connections program over the years have all said a variation of “I hate this situation. I feel like I’m back in school and being judged with not much chance to stand up for myself. I have a kinda, take the hits and get out fast attitude.”

WHY IS FEEDBACK SO NERVE WRACKING?

Do you hate to be judged? And more to the point, what happens to you when you know you will be judged?

SELF-DOUBT IS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.

This is when the idea of feedback becomes even more interesting.

The self-doubt goes both ways. It invades the emotions of the receiver, yes, we know that. However, did you know that the giver also often must reach for anti-acids before, during, or after a feedback session?

WHERE DID THE SELF-DOUBT START?

Here is a memory Janet shared in a leadership coaching session that gives a clue.

“When I was around 9 years old, we were doing multiplication tables at school. The teacher would say 9 times 7 and then randomly point to one of us kids. I hated the finger-pointing and the need to perform like a circus animal. You know, she would snap her fingers and we had to perform to her expectations. If I got the answer wrong, she would keep moving on. Yet, the kids would snicker out of their own discomfort. I began to shut down emotionally and that has stayed with me through the years. So, when it’s time for feedback, I just want to puke!”

Fast forward 30 years and there is Janet, filled with anxiety and self-doubt when her boss tells her what she did or did not do correctly.

AND SELF-DOUBT IS A TWO-WAY STREET

I was also coaching her boss who shared this with me about feedback sessions.

“Twice a year at feedback time I sleep little and eat lots. Eating is my go-to reaction when I’m stressed. I think if I had more direct reports I’d end up on TV’s “The Biggest Loser” because of excessive weight. I don’t like to give negative feedback and yet, to be honest in my job, I have to say things that will upset others. Yet, I can’t tell this to anyone. They’d shrug and say, tough, that’s part of being a leader.”

HOW FEEDBACK CAN WORK CONSTRUCTIVELY?

Both the sender and the receiver can become aware that there is a real, live human being sitting on the other side of the table. Yes, even when one has, it seems, more power than the other.

That is NOT the point. The point is that each side needs to be sensitive to the self-doubt that is sitting in the room, like a great big yet very quiet elephant.

Acknowledge that the meeting is stressful and anxiety-producing. No, that won’t make the nervousness go away. It will, however, shrink the elephant to a smaller size and make the situation more honest.

USE THESE 4 MAJOR WAYS TO SET UP A FEEDBACK MEETING

There are ways to make difficult conversations more productive.

Here are 4 major aspects of feedback that need to be in any discussion:

Make sure you are both clear about what is to be discussed.
Keep it simple and stay on the subject (no ‘furthermore’ or ‘in addition to’).
Be respectful (no unnecessary jokes, leave that for having a snack together).
Agree to the next steps together (the key here is to make the decisions about the next steps with each other not with one being dictatorial and the other submissive).

This is the first step in a communication model I have used to help thousands of high achieving leaders and those aspiring to leadership positions find the common ground for effective dialogue.

THE BEST WAY FORWARD

You don’t have to let the self-doubt voice in your head become a tsunami of negative thoughts saying over and over that you are going to mess up or disappoint.

My team and I have a short, simple process for better feedback and better communication.

Set up a breakthrough call with me.

Business, Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles

Get the BUT Out of Your YES

Sylvia Lafair
January 29, 2020

Do you ever get frustrated with petty conflicts at work? You’re not alone.

A whopping 93% of workers report being affected in a negative manner by conflict.

The other variable is the length of time consumed by on-going, unresolved conflict.

Even worse is the fact that litigation for workplace harassment and hostile work environments has gone up exponentially in the past decade, and still growing.

BIG QUESTION: Why do tensions at work get so dialed up?

BIG ANSWER: The intensity of change is increasing at an alarming rate. AND, time starvation along with generalized anxiety is becoming the norm which makes us all less productive and more defensive.

While conflict will never go away totally, it can be tamed effectively.

Here is my response to Sandra, a senior vice president who said, well, let her say it in her own words.

“Dear Dr. Lafair,

I’m feeling so bleak these days, and it seems to be getting worse. I drag myself out of bed, having tossed and turned all night. Why, because I have some nasty direct reports who are driving me crazy. It seems that no matter what I say to them or how I say it, it falls on deaf ears. There are four of them and my name for them is so bad I don’t even want to put it here.

Well, for clarity to help you give me an answer, they are The F##king Four. Not original, yet I guess it makes me feel better, well not better, just more stable.

Anyway, am I missing something? Can I communicate better? I love some of the ideas about communicating more effectively in Don’t Bring It to Work. However, I need more insight from you, please.”

Here is my response to Sandra:

“Communication is both simple and complex at the same time. Hey, I hear you thinking, well, that’s not much help.

Let me continue…

We have dumbed down the way we communicate with each other. So, I am going to give you a few ideas to use when you next talk with your “Fabulous Four” and see if they make a difference.

The Fabulous Four

Think before you speak: You know this, you’re a seasoned professional. However, please take a few minutes before you meet and make sure you know the direction you want to take in talking with the others. Be specific in what outcome you are hoping for.

Silence is still communicating: Lean into those awkward moments of silence. Often this is where the best communication occurs. If you wait the others will tell you what is really going on underneath the obvious. Ya gotta wait!

Be visual: Our world is filled with color and sound so when you use words to describe your thoughts and feelings you help others see and feel what you want to really communicate. Talk about feeling blue, or seeing red, or looking for the yellow of sunshine. Find your own style and descriptive words.

Get the BUT out of your YES: Qualifies are deal-breakers. What I mean is that when you acknowledge what the other person says and then add a “BUT” no one really hears the acknowledgment. They get stuck on the BUT. Change to AND when you want to add something. I promise it will make a difference.

You are the major ingredient in making conflict move faster or slower.

Take a deep breath a big deep breath and lead the way.”

Business, Communication, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

How to Understand People…At Least Some of the Time

Sylvia Lafair
January 22, 2020

Learning how to understand people especially when you are ready to make a quick decision is an important skill.

How many times have you looked at a boss, colleague or direct report and said to yourself, “Why did they do that?” And this was said with frustration and even dismay.

Were you curious to find the answer or did you just shrug your shoulders, deciding you really don”t care?

Happens all the time.

Just like Jim who sent the following email.

“Hi, Sylvia,

Help! My direct report Danny just handed in an expense report with over $2000 for food and beverages.

He has a small monthly amount that we cover, like under $500. I have not talked with him yet. I want some advice and mostly I want to understand this outrageous expense.

Did he think it would just slide right by me? Does he want to be fired? Is he asking for a raise in this manner?

I’m so annoyed my first impulse is to fire him.

However, he does a great job so maybe I’m not looking clearly enough. Thoughts to help please.”

-Jim

My answer was to dig deeper into his conversation with Danny.

Here are the main questions for Jim to ask:

Were the numbers correct?
How did he come to the conclusion this amount was fair?
Why didn’t he discuss with you before he sent this in with such a high number?

AND NOW THE BIG QUESTION:

What does he want as an outcome from the present meeting?

Here is what Jim told me after he talked with his direct report.

” WOW, Sylvia…

That last question opened up a world of surprise.

Well, surprise and some frustration. It turns out that after lots of hemming and hawing Danny came clean.

He admitted he was taking friends out to dinner that had limited connection to work.

And they were drinking way too much. He had convinced himself he was hoping he could convince some of them to come work at his amazing company by showing them how generous the firm was with lots of perks, like fancy dinners.

He figured he would get one or two to join the firm and then be a big hero.”

Then Jim added ” The crazy thing is Danny really got us two new really great employees out of this and it ended up being cheaper than a recruiter.

What I learned from this is not to decide without more facts. Cause I was sure ready to fire him. And Danny learned to discuss before deciding the right course of action.

And now I know your question “what do you want as an outcome of what happened”is the best accountability question you can ever ask.

THANKS,

Jim

And there you have it. Ask before you act. It will save lots of aggravation.

To Your Success.

-Sylvia

Business, Communication, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Time to Upgrade Your Communication Skills

Sylvia Lafair
January 15, 2020

Time to get your communication skills upgraded. Let’s start with a quiz. What are the two most annoying words that we all misuse?

Don’t cheat and look at the end of this. Just keep reading. It will make more sense that way.

Here’s the story Carol told me about a situation at work. It locked her into using simple words that were causing lots of difficulty in her relationships. Especially with David.

They were on the same leadership team and she had to find a way to work with him.

Her complaint about David? “He’s always right. Or so he says. And more than that, he always has to have the last word.”

And then she said with frustration, “He never asks questions, only tells his point of view.”

Her worry was, “He’s up for a promotion and all I can tell you is, I could never report to a jerk like him.”

And what about David?

He thought Carol was a control freak who would never ask questions, only give her point of view.

Two peas in a pod, so to speak.

Did they have personality conflicts? You betcha.

However, it goes beyond personalities. They are stuck with words that deflate ad defeat.

They were stuck, as so many are, with the words ‘always’ and ‘never.’

These are two of the most destructive words you can use because they shut down communication rather than set the stage for new possibilities.

Think about how you use these words.

Where do you ‘always” and where do you ‘never’?

I bet you are so familiar with these words you really don’t even give them a second thought. They were ripe for most of us from our childhood.

Stuff like your mom saying, “You never do what I tell you to do.” Or, a sibling jealously saying, “You always show off in front of my friends.”

What do these words do?

They start a power game. Sadly, a game that can’t be won.

These words create antagonism.

They set it up so the other person must prove to you that you are wrong. Or they feel defeated and a barrier is created that cuts off real communication.

Now you know the two destructive words. Here’s what you can do to upgrade your communications skills…

Filter before you speak.

Look, just about everything in life is fluid. It really isn’t an always or never world. It’s a world of change, change, change. And even the most offensive of relationships has the power to be redirected with good intentions.

Rather than make the ‘always’ and ‘never’ claims, use words like ‘often’ ‘regularly’ and ‘habitually’ when you want to make a point when you are frustrated.

Then give room for someone to respond. ASK don’t tell.

Dale Carnegie, author of the well-known book “How to Make Friends and Influence People” suggests that “90 percent of all management problems are caused by miscommunication.” Notice he didn’t say ‘always.’ He left room for other possibilities.

And here is what happened with David and Carol.

David was promoted and became Carol’s boss.

And Carol proved herself right. She soon left the company because she could never report to a jerk like David. And guess what? In her next job, there was another David who always drove her nuts.

She’s now looking for a new job where she never has to be bothered by people who always want to tell her what to do.

Want to hire her?

Yes, words have power. Take the time to really clean up your choice of words so you can upgrade your communication skills.

TOTAL LEADERSHIP CONNECTIONS™ LEVEL 1 Give Away

My book, “79 Power Sentences” can give you great ideas on how to change the way you express yourself.

Let me know by emailing me if you would like a copy.

Simply email me at sylvia@ceoptions.com and it’s yours for free.

Goals, Growth, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Patterns

Time for New Resolutions

Sylvia Lafair
December 30, 2019

It’s that time for new resolutions. Right? You know, the ones that usually become old in a week and absolutely stale by the end of the month.

“Change,” I hear you say, “change is tough.” And it is.

EXCEPT

There is one new resolution you can make that will reap tons and tons of rewards.

It’s about practicing change before you must change.

This should be in the curriculum at school starting in middle school. But, it’s not. No one teaches this. Most of us just get into a sticky situation, and change comes at us like a fire snorting dragon.

EXCEPT

Once you practice change by taking a risk, you become more confident, more focused, and yes, the next change gets easier.

Here is the practice part of change:

Pick a time to be quiet and plan.

Pick something you want to change.

Make it something that doesn’t make you freeze in place.

Paint the scene, in your mind, of what will happen if you do something differently.

Write it down.

Now you are ready to make new resolutions that stick. Take the risk (come on, it’s just a small risk.) And, you only must do it once, not like losing weight that is an everyday affair.

Here are a few examples of new resolutions from some of my clients:

Tom, the perennial under-achiever, would always talk last in business meetings. He finally made the conscious decision to take just one risk, to speak up first and not hold back. Yes, for someone who always had to make sure he didn’t rock the boat, speaking up first was a challenge. Just this small change boosted his confidence and he soon found himself moving from being an avoider to becoming the initiator of discussions.

Connie was constantly over-thinking what she could and should say to her boss when the demands were piling up. Her risk was to move from pleaser to truth-teller. She agreed to do this once, just once to see what would happen. Of course, you guessed that when she told her “the Devil Wears Prada” bully boss “No” to a new project and the reasons why their relationship became more relaxed and cooperative.

Tammy was known as the office rebel. Yet, deep inside she was filled with self-doubt. There was always worry that others would think she was just a pain in the butt troublemaker. So, when she made the decision to take that one risk and call a meeting to look at the company issues about diversity, she was, in her words, “numb with fear.” One risk changed her life. She now has colleagues to collaborate with and, as a group, they are working together for positive change.

Now, it’s your turn to start making your new resolutions.

What is one risk you are willing to take? Write it down. Talk to a friend about it. Visualize what can happen once you take that deep breath and then even a mini step will move you towards more ease and joy.

One small risk at a time.

The confidence, energy, focus, motivation, ease and joy you are searching for is right here, right now as you move past the patterns that have kept you stuck especially when making new resolutions.

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