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How to deepen your conversation skills
Business, Communication, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

How to effectively deepen your conversation skills

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • April 17, 2018

Let’s chat here a bit about why as a leader it’s important for you to deepen your conversation skills…

When you walk away, hang up the phone, close your email trail, or shut down the texting after a discussion with a colleague take a moment and think about what kind of conversation you just had.

Was it a difficult conversation or a learning conversation?

Here are 5 important ways to think about how you operate when you communicate:

Difficult Conversation…………………………Learning Conversation

Proving who is right or wrong                                     Exploring how both sides make sense

Blaming other side to protect yourself                      Offering to hear each other’s contributions

Assuming you have the better answers                     Expect positive surprises as you engage other

Avoid anything that will escalate conflict                  Acknowledge that emotions need to be managed

Idealize your perspective as “the way”                      Be open to an outcome not attached to it

As I love to say, how you communicate, is really an x-ray of what is going on inside you.

Here’s a rule of thumb: Once you learn to manage what triggers you, the quality of your discussions will move to a higher plane.

In my upcoming webinar, I will be doing a deep dive into the three C’s of leadership: character, confidence, communication. You will be given tools for observing the key elements of your character (often areas we ignore because they are so habitual) and what you can change to give you more confidence.

Then you will get great suggestions for how to enhance your communication methods and become even more successful than you are now.

One more thought regarding communication…

The term ‘narrative’ is all over the media these days. It’s simply another word for ‘story.’ When you get stuck in explaining your story it’s so easy to forget to explore someone else’s story. Everyone comes to every meeting with their own version of what is going on.

Facts help yet, it’s the emotions that drive the conversation forward.

One of the most important leadership strategies is figuring out how to explain your story at the same time you explore your colleague’s stories.

  • What is the core focus?
  • How are situations being interpreted?
  • What conclusions can be drawn from what is being said?

Then you can address what is missing, unclear, or flat out wrong.

Have you noticed that we have become a culture of short buzz word ways of talking with each other?

Take the time to deepen your conversation skills for effective leadership, professionally and personally.

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Successful Leaders can Build Better Self-Awareness
Leadership, Leadership Strategies

How Successful Leaders can Build Better Self-Awareness

In today’s hectic world, taking the time to ask yourself, “Who am I?” and even more so, “Who am I in relationship to those around me?” often gets put on the “do it tomorrow” short list.

Remember, everything you say and do, can affect those around you. Being self-aware, allows you to manage your actions and reactions and not be at the mercy of repeating nasty behavior patterns that get in the way of success.

Not a good idea to wait.

Those who win the long-term game of life, spend time in reflection. No, not days on a mountain (although that can be good, too). It would be more about spending a few minutes each day to practice the habit of self-awareness.

First, the quiz – next, we’ll discuss 5 ways to help build your self-awareness habit.

Grab a piece of paper and answer the following 10 questions, scoring each with “0“, “1“, or “2” per the following key:

0 – Nope, not me

1 – Well, sorta

2 – Yup, that’s me

  1. I see praising others as kissing-up.
  2. I don’t hold back when I am upset.
  3. I prefer to ignore people I find annoying.
  4. I love to get people to agree with me.
  5. I use the voting technique to prove “they all” agree with me.
  6. I hold onto anger for days after the problem is discussed.
  7. I like to point out mistakes that others make, so they can learn from me.
  8. I listen to others without interrupting.
  9. I avoid conflict by changing the subject, or leaving the room.
  10. I love to get feedback without becoming defensive.

Start counting:

0-6: You have a good sense of self-awareness and are sensitive to the needs and wants of those around you. You have high emotional intelligence and good pattern awareness.

7-13: You are on the road and yet, need to stop and listen to yourself more often. Your edit button must be turned on all the time, especially when someone pushes you to emotional upset.

14+: Get a coach as fast as you can. You are going to shoot yourself in the foot and never realize it was you who pulled the trigger. You will miss the best that relationships offer by staying in the blame game, which is such a waste of time.

Now, here are 5 ways to help build your self-awareness muscles:

  • One thought each day: Start your morning with a commitment to do one, and only one thing, to shift to a new way of relating. For example, decide today you will give praise to those you talk with. Something small is fine. However, find something to say to whoever, on the train, plane, on the phone, through email or text. Even if you feel stupid or weird, do it anyway.
  • Speak from your “I”: Practice talking about how YOU feel. No, this isn’t’ narcissistic (well, maybe just a bit). You’re not talking about yourself to brag and prove how good you are (now, that’s narcissistic), you are simply owning your own behavior. An example is, “I think I may have reacted too quickly and didn’t listen clearly enough.” Got it?
  • See opportunities, not obstacles: Practice talking about what you think can make things work better. No, not being a happiness addict, I mean, focus on what can be done, rather than what is constantly not working. Find ways to put words like ‘hope’ and ‘possibility’ in your sentences and especially, “How can I help?”
  • Decide what giving 100% means: Don’t make yourself into a pretzel. You can’t be self-aware if you’re tied in “KNOTS” and “NOTS.” Practice saying, “Yes, I can” and “no, I can’t” and remember only you can decide what makes real sense to you.
  • Stay curious: Create rapport by asking people about their lives. I don’t mean pry into their incomes or their sex lives, I mean find out what makes them want to get up in the morning, or as Simon Sinek so smartly asks, “What is your why?” Then give praise and start all over again.

All the great philosophers agree, being self-aware and how you affect those around you, is key to real growth and development. In ancient Egypt, above the entrance of each temple is inscribed, “Know Thyself.” That thought has lasted thousands of years, so pay attention.

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Confidence Concerns: Even the Best Leaders have them
Business, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Confidence Concerns: Even the Best Leaders Have Them

Did you ever wonder if you were going to be fired? Did you ever have a conversation with someone in a position to tell you to pack your bags and leave? Do you ever have to tell someone they are not a fit for your team and it’s time to say goodbye?

In my work with leaders for many years, I’ve observed that even the brightest and best leaders struggle with confidence.

Everyone has fears of being told they are not good enough. Everyone. In fact, did you ever hear of, ta-dah…The Impostor Syndrome?

Even the most confident individuals at some time or another, wonder if they are good enough. Even the stars of the world have confidence concerns.

The degree of nervousness about what others think of you, of how you will succeed in your life, of how you will measure your own success is a matter of confidence.

Take a minute and simply rate yourself on a scale of 1-10. Yes, do it right now. If you sit at a 10 you are on top of the confidence mountain and no one can really topple you to trip and fall down that slippery slope to “damn, I can’t do anything right.” And if you are at a 1, well, you are a veritable mess of contradictions, concerns, and confusion.

A study by the University of Melbourne indicates a connection between advancement at work and being self-confident. It shows what I teach and teach and teach, that who we are goes back to what we learned in our original organization, the family.

Take my leadership quiz to show where you’re stuck and then, once you see the issues, you can learn to grow past the self-doubts and the concerns that people see you better than you are, that annoying impostor syndrome, and bring your self-confidence to a whole new level.

This is one of the 3 C’s I will be talking about in my webinar in a few weeks. It’s about the most important underlying leadership strategies you need to be aware of for ultimate success: Confidence, Character, and Communication.

Think of it this way, if you do the work to become self- aware and polish your character and then build up your confidence, when you communicate you are really heard and respected.

Communication is like an x-ray of your inner self, out there for all the world to see.

You don’t want to undermine anyone else nor be undermined. When you feel extraordinary and shine with confidence you can be a beacon for others to shine also.

So, polish yourself to shine even brighter.

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quality all successful leaders have
Leadership, Leadership Strategies

The One Key Quality all Successful Leaders Have

Did you ever wonder how much physical good looks contribute to success at work? Ever look in the mirror and wish you were taller, thinner, more youthful?

The image of the perfect body is embedded in everyone’s brain. Most of us wish we were more than we are. Even the best and the brightest look in the mirror and say, “If only …”

I heard the following is a true story – you decide.

A woman dies and goes to heaven. While she waits for St. Peter to grant her entrance through the pearly gates, she looks around and all is fine. Then St. Peter calls his guard angels, shakes his head, and points in the other direction. As the woman is being taken away, she was heard crying and repeating, “It’s my thighs, I know it, it’s my thighs!”

Now, let’s look at the data. Is physical charm really that important?

  • A study by Duke University professors indicated that men with square jaws and a strong physical appearance, won the “beauty” contest, or should I say, the casting call, for what real leaders are meant to look like.
  • A landmark study from Cornell University found that when white females put on an additional 64 pounds, wages dropped 9 percent.
  • Research by Daniel Hamermesh at the University of Texas at Austin shows that the best looking, attractive females make about 10% more annually than their less attractive colleagues.
  • Plastic surgeons can make a real profit with this information. Men, wait, don’t rush to get a chin re-do. And women, maybe erasing those wrinkles won’t get you where you want to go. Studies show that getting a face renovation (aka face lift) only yields an extra five cents per dollar, according Hamermesh’s research. Not worth it, says the researcher…you do the math.
  • University of British Columbia research indicates that top leaders are often born in winter or spring. That’s because schools tend to hold back the winter-spring birthday children. They then have an advantage of becoming more physically and cognitively developed. This can breed confidence and success that carries into childhood.
  • Research reported in The Economist shows that physical attributes such as height, fitness level, and tone of voice make a difference when picking CEOs. It goes like this, CEOs with deeper voices lead to deeper earnings. Think Howard Schultz from Starbucks. Maybe it’s the coffee that makes a difference.
  • Malcolm Gladwell, in his excellent book, Blink, talks about our natural tendency to want to look up to our leaders. This is called an unconscious prejudice. That’s one you arrive at without really thinking. This ‘blink before you think’ factor shows up in making decisions, especially when we meet someone for the first time.

Can you remember when you went to a new job and were introduced to your boss? Most likely, you thought to yourself, “S/he really looks nice, or mean, or autocratic, or is a true jerk.”

What made you arrive at those decisions? Something in your brain began to wiggle and wobble to get you to think that thought.

Here is what is MORE important.

Different kind of research. This is intuitive and cannot be put in boxes with numbers. The more important than looks department is…presence.

Think Warren Buffett, he’s not 6’4″ and his looks may not take your breath away. Think Harry Truman, short guy who made world class decisions and would get lost in any crowd. And then there’s Bill Gates, pleasant and somewhat nerdy.

Leave the looks department and go up a few floors to the presence department.

Here’s a thought to ponder from a short, unassuming woman who broke all kinds of barriers in her time – physician, Elizabeth Kubler Ross. She was a pioneer in helping people with terminal illnesses find the courage to talk about death and dying. She puts presence in perspective, “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”

No change of clothes, of jaw lines, of even weight, can give someone presence. Presence must be earned. It’s about self-awareness, caring and a commitment to something bigger than one’s own ego.

The big question is, “How do you know a person of presence, of integrity, when you meet?”

Ah, now that would be research worth studying.

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5 Highly Recommended Books for Leaders
Business, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

5 Highly Recommended Books for Leaders

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • April 2, 2018

Can you guess one of the almost forgotten secrets of powerful leaders? It’s found on the printed page or today’s smartphones.

It’s an old skill, almost forgotten in our present, hurried world.

No longer is it enough to have a good idea or product. It’s about respecting leaders who are well-rounded individuals — think Reid Hoffman, Arianna Huffington, Warren Buffett.

These folks are readers, vociferous readers.

Bill Gates is known to read more than 50 books a year. Not everyone has that luxury to pick and choose time and books; however, find a few good reads and make them yours.

Here’s a clue to being well-rounded. Think like the liberal arts majors of yore. There was a time that education meant learning from the classics, history, science, modern fiction. Not just business books.

Now, full disclosure. I’ve written a few business books and yes, I think they are good. However, business books are only one part of the puzzle.

Well-rounded means getting out of your comfort zone and reading what may well make you uncomfortable. Look for books that give you an ‘aha’ moment when you say to yourself, “I never thought of it that way before.”

Here are five good books to get your brain cells reorganized in powerful ways:

1. Shoe Dog: A Memoir, by Phil Knight (Biography)

Can’t get a seat at the table with this titan? Here you are privy to a personal look at this media-shy man whose entrepreneurial journey led to Nike’s global brand.

2. Smarter Faster Better: The Transformative Power of Real Productivity, by Charles Duhigg (Science)

Rewire your decision-making process and change the way you go about your day. More positivity, more energy. Learn how it’s not so much what you think as how you think it.

3.The Patterning Instinct: A Cultural History of Humanity’s Search for Meaning, by Jeremy Lent (Culture)

We are, in great part, the result of patterns we’ve inherited from previous generations.Take a journey back in time to understand the values you hold so dear today. Some still have merit; others may have become outdated.

4. Friend and Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both, by Adam Galinsky and Maurice Schweitzer (Development)

Success is a combo deal. Think hot fudge sundae with ice cream and hot chocolate sauce. They galvanize each other by being so different. Find the combination so you can be friend or foe at the right times.

5.The Heart, by Maylis de Kerangal (Fiction)

This powerful story takes place in a short time, yet it’s timeless. A day in the life of a family. It’s an exploration in lyrical prose of grief, hope, and survival. These are subjects we tend to shy away from, yet they are at the core of who we are as humans, and who we are in relationships.

ONE MORE: I’m adding this to the list as one of my favorites:

Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, by Sheryl Sandberg

Here is a woman who seemingly has it all. Facebook fame, beautiful family, and a life of privilege. With deep honesty, she discusses how her life changed after the sudden death of her husband and how she had to dig deep inside herself to find the courage to keep going.

Pick one, pick all, and let me know your favorites; I just want to encourage you to read. I promise it will help you stand out from the crowded pack of leaders. Guaranteed.

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how to know when you're stuck or moving ahead as a leader
Business, Coaching, Leadership Strategies

Leadership Strategies: How to know when you’re stuck

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • March 27, 2018

In this post, I’m discussing how to know when you’re stuck or moving ahead as a leader.

Ready for a profound shift? Ready for change that will be deep, sustainable, and positive? Ready to put the puzzle pieces of relationships together and be an exemplary leader?

Ready to go to sleep at night and not spend time tossing over your decisions and turning because you are unsure you made good choices?

Then continue with me on this roller coaster road of leadership. It’s exciting, fun, curious, challenging, and profitable.

My work is NOT about superficial stuff like “How to Have All You Ever Wanted in Life with This ONE Thing.” Superficial is like cotton candy. It looks pretty and tastes good, yet there’s long-lasting nutrition.

My promise to you is……………….………. No empty promises.

Today I want to take you into the world of what is both simple and complex at the same time. Your ultimate reward is long-term sustainable leadership strategies no matter who you work with or where you work.

If you want quick fixes and oversimplification, you can stop right now and go do something else.

I don’t want to waste your time. I do want to help you see farther and be strong and courageous, no matter what life sends your way.

Today is about change. You know, change, it’s really the only act in town.

Think of it this way for a moment: You would never wear the same clothes for weeks at a time. Nor would you only eat hamburgers (or tofu) and nothing else for months on end. So, what the heck is wrong with changing your mind?

The mantra could be:

                                        “Change your clothes, change your mind.”

Now, at first blush that sounds like the bullshit superficiality, I was just railing against.

Look, I’m not suggesting you change your mind over and over without thinking through consequences. And I’m not suggesting you change your mind to please those around you.

I’m saying that you need to look at the habits and patterns that keep you from making changes. Habits and patterns are comfortable because we know what to expect. However, this is not called progress, it’s called stagnation.

How do you know when you’re stuck?

You can hire the right coach to help you find the way out: Observe, Understand, and Transform your old patterns. You need someone who will challenge you and help you open to new possibilities, so you can take a deep breath and say “Wow, I never thought about it this way before.”

Check out if you need a coach by taking this quiz on our website.  A coach can really help you quickly know when you’re stuck or moving ahead.

If that’s not your cup of tea, consider signing up for the April Leadership Strategies Webinar that will give you some unique ideas on how to handle new opportunities.

Research indicates that real, lasting change takes approximately three months of pure determination. I have ways to help you stay on track. Or, you can keep doing the same things over and over until it gets so boring you just can’t stand it anymore.

Here’s a thought to remember:  If you live your life constantly in a vat of hot fudge, eventually you’ll scream out for a piece of celery!

So stop and pause for a moment today and really look inside of yourself and I’m guessing you’ll know when you’re stuck or moving ahead as a leader.

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Communication, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles

Leadership Strategies: Telling the truth isn’t spilling your guts

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • March 21, 2018

How hard do you think it is to be a transformational leader? My answer is it takes commitment and dedication to new ways of thinking and doing. The type of leadership that is transformative is disciplined, proactive, and positive without being syrupy.

What I say next is necessary for you to tattoo into your brain and use every time and everywhere.

Telling the Truth isn’t Spilling Your Guts

Question to ponder: What is the benefit of telling someone you think they behave like a jerk? What is the benefit of telling someone you think others are smarter, easier to lead, more cooperative? I could go on and on. The answer, of course, is there isn’t a benefit. It just may feel good for a brief instant.

So, what do you do when you must tell the jerks they are, well, jerky?

The best way, to tell the truth, is by asking questions. Open-ended questions that will make the other person think rather than defend, explain, or justify. Here’s a great example of transformational leadership in action.

Let share this story that perfectly illustrates why telling the truth isn’t spilling your guts.  This is the short version of an offsite that started ugly and ended on the strong side of better:

Diane was a new leader. She had learned that telling the truth was a big positive. However, she had yet to learn that it was not about spilling your guts! At a team offsite, she took truth-telling to a whole new level of HR horror stories by facing her top sales person and letting him know he was stuck on himself; that all he did was brag about his success and never listened to anyone. The worst of it was, the whole team was sitting around a big conference table. Not a pretty site.

There was lots of damage control needed and I was called in as a first responder. I assessed the mess and suggested the team take a break while I talked with Diane privately.

She honestly thought she was doing a good thing. After all, the truth is truth and should not be sugar coated, Right?

Wrong.

We eventually called the team back. Diane was a fast learner and did two things. She owned her misstep and apologized to the group for being overly reactive. She then turned to Fred, who was sulking, sitting slumped down in his chair hoping to be invisible.

Diane did what I call, ‘a pattern interrupt.’

She acknowledged his skills and talents. She turned the dialogue in a new direction.

Little by little Fred and the rest of the team began to sit up and become more engaged in what was going on.

The more she talked in the positive, the stronger Fred looked.  

It was then she was able to ask some questions that were direct, important, and not loaded with negative connotations.

Diane asked the whole team to consider who came to them for advice. They did not have to answer now, simply think about it. She also asked how they would handle star salespeople who were always talking about how good they were while ignoring the contributions of others. Again, not to answer, just to ponder. Then she asked them what they needed from her, as a leader, that they were not getting.

She said she would set time for each on her team to respond one-one.

Diane was being very strategic and very smart.  

Here, I’d like to offer an exercise that I did with my partner (and husband) Herb Kaufman to show the power of acknowledgment as the foundation of truth and trust.

Bottom line, when you tell the truth, even uncomfortable truths and embed them with acknowledgment you can be heard more effectively and have your team standing firmly on a foundation of trust.

So next time before you communicate, take a moment to really think this through…telling the truth isn’t spilling your guts.

I suggest you take the conflict resolution style quiz and get a better sense of how you have been able to resolve conflict.

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How to get them to listen to me
Business, Communication, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Leadership Strategies: Damn it, Listen to Me!

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • March 15, 2018

Over the years, I’ve heard from leaders is that getting them to listen to me is one of the hardest obstacles to success. In this article, I address 4 levels of communication that will help you overcome this block.

Do you remember playing the game “Whispering Down the Lane” as a kid? Kinda old school, however, it should be required for any work team to learn about communication.

Here’s the way it’s played:

Group sits in a circle. The first person whispers to the person on right, something like, “Today is beautiful and I think we will get lots of work done.” The whispering continues to next person until it goes around the circle and comes back to the first participant, who then repeats aloud what they have heard.

It’s usually something like “I hate this damn game and can’t wait to get the hell out of here.”

Hummmm!

I have always wondered what happens when words from my mouth travel invisibly over the airwaves to someone else’s ears. I wonder how with such limited communication skills we ever move forward in any relationships, at work or at home.

There’s an old “joke” from my family therapy days: A daughter who never got along with her father is sitting two seats away at a wedding. She meant to say, “pass the salt,” but instead said, “You ruined my life you mean, nasty bastard.” This used to be called a Freudian slip. Now we call it “the way of the world.”

Hummmm!

Today, we are so obsessed with social media and smartphones we spend much of our time super distracted and can’t even hear the honk of a horn or the whistle of an oncoming train.

This video is a modern version of the limitations we have about our newest nemesis, technology, and communication.

Hummmm!

When we were tiny babies we learned to talk by mimicking grown-ups. While we learned to talk and walk by some inner mechanisms, most often, no one ever taught us how to listen, what to listen for, and equally important, how to respond.

There are four levels of communication to address:

  • CONVERSATION: This is polite, skim the surface way for limited encounters. It’s the smile and nod technique. You meet someone and say “How are you?” and they respond, “Fine thanks.” Easy, breezy and onto what’s next.
  • DEBATE: The world of winners and losers shows up here. This is based, at best on facts and innuendos, and at worst on rumors and gossip. It’s a ‘dog eat dog’ area where it’s constant punch and jab and punch and jab.
  • DIALOGUE: This is a more mature way of responding where you really work at listening and building on another’s point of view. Everyone uses the bits of information from the others to come to new and better perspectives than you would ever get alone. Work collaboration soars with this method.
  • TRUTH TELLING: This takes courage and calmness. Truth sentences are short and do not have an edge of blame to them. It’s about expressing your emotions, so you can be heard and also to reciprocally listen while taking deep breaths and looking for ways to come to a new level of understanding.

Want to get a better handle on how you communicate? Take our communication quiz and begin to listen with unplugged ears.

We all communicate with body and mind. The words we choose, the tone of voice we use, the body language we exhibit, even the speed with which we talk, are all part of communication.

 

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