Have you noticed that the more persecutor/bullies lash out the more the victims of their nastiness go to hide under the bedcovers?
I don’t often feel like a victim, however, I had an employee who was the bossiest witch always telling everyone in the office what to do, on her terms.
One day I hung the phone up after she told me I was late with a deadline (I wasn’t) and that I had kept her waiting (I didn’t), I found myself muttering some very specific expletives. I took a long drink of water and did a 5-minute breathing technique and sat looking at the phone, feeling weak and discounted.
Then it hit me. “Damn, I’m a bona-fide victim.”
I felt inadequate and full of fear. Now, normally, I’m not a consummated complainer, but in this situation, I was pessimistic and defeated.
I am the owner of my woman owned company and am mostly seen as strong, competent, and well, GUTSY.
However, I hate being micromanaged and yet, at times get caught in the pattern from childhood when my mother was as bossy and annoying as Donna, my assistant.
I had to stop and listen to my feelings before I could engage with her again.
Now, I know many of you are thinking, why not just fire her. Believe me, I had that though a million times. However, I had to look at my own victim behavior (not fun) before I could hire a better assistant who would be a right fit for me.
Pay attention: the victim is sop standard a pattern in our culture that we rarely pay attention to the fact that victims are responsible for their own behavior.
The victim, transformed, becomes the explorer.
That is exactly where I went after I let myself moan and complain for a few minutes. I even called my husband who is my partner and worked it to get him to side with “poor me.”
He simply said “You are doing a good job as a victim. Hope you can find a new way of talking with Donna rather that thinking ugly thoughts and bringing others into the loop.” (He was not my favorite person at that moment, although of course, he was helping me get on with it.
I came up with 3 ways I could talk with Donna rather than hang up the phone and think mean thoughts.
If you work with a victim or are a victim, the video here should be helpful
Don’t whine, don’t run for someone else to speak for you. Get GUTSY and BOLD; find a new way.
We’re here to help (not rescue!).