Patterns Archives | CEOptions

Elections, Families and Victor Frankenstein

Sylvia Lafair
October 21, 2020

Watching all the back and forth, division and blaming, fear, and concern about this election got me thinking.

Not long ago, on Twitter, someone posted “Whoever goes to the White House will bring along many others with their personal baggage.”

There was no claim as to who would win the election or who they would bring with them. Just a less than 280-character bit of information to think about.

Got me thinking.

Thinking about how this most vital job, being President of the United States, is a great place to analyze the model of how businesses, small and large are so similar. And the fact that we all, each of us brings baggage from our history into the workplace, that is unless we have done enough personal work to observe, understand, and transform patterns from the past, we will play them out, often to the detriment of the business and our colleagues.

The whole concept of “office politics” is about positioning to be in the right place at the right time. It’s about favorites and gossip and backbiting and betrayal and hurts and fear and hopes and possibilities.

It’s about the baggage from the past and how it plays into the present time.

So, the Twitter person was correct.

Everyone will bring some old baggage into the White House. The question is, how much and what to do with it.

I must admit later in that evening, sick of listening to the pundits, I was looking for a way to forget about all the election issues boiling over. I decided to take a break into the film world of fantasy.

I watched Victor Frankenstein simply looking for a diversion. Based on Mary Shelley’s 1818 novel it has been done many times with the most creative being Young Frankenstein produced by Mel Brooks.

The film I watched will not win any Academy Award. However, there is a fascinating link connecting personal baggage with one of the candidates who traveled the road to the White House and wants four more years.

All Presidents are both great and awful, depending on your perspective.

However, rarely do we look at the underbelly of what drives people to seek this highest job in our country, in the world.

I sat mesmerized as I watched a film that seemed to have so many connections to what is going on right here and right now with the man who is presently in office and wanting four more years.

Here is a synopsis of the movie:

Young Victor, a brilliant physician, is driven by the need to atone for his indirect role in the death of his older brother who was set upon by a domineering father. It becomes clear that the “monster” Victor created is to be his most important contribution to science and absolve him from his guilt. The monster is just that, a monster doing damage and must be destroyed. At the end, at the last minute, Victor apologizes for all the suffering he caused and retreats to the countryside in search of new (hopefully positive) discoveries.

I must add, that Victor Frankenstein almost destroyed the world he was the leader of and it was only something (today it might be COVID) that kept him from his final destructive act.

The film has a contemporary flair in showing how vital it is to search inside yourself so that when opportunities occur on your road to your success you can travel with less old baggage.

What if all leaders had the courage to look at old ingrained patterns that repeat and repeat? What if all leaders were required to observe, understand, and transform outdated and unresolved behaviors before they caused damage?

Perhaps anyone who runs for high office should have to show us a certificate of completion of personal growth work before their name is even on a ballot.

I don’t know personally if the President is still making up for the pain of his childhood. I can only observe from afar. So many authors and professionals think that maybe the case including his niece, Mary Trump, who has her own grievances to contend with in her book “Too Much and Never Enough.”

It is worth a read.

As an executive coach, I have been amazed about how many in leadership are playing out old, outdated, family patterns at work.

One example is a man who became CEO of a large, multi-national company that kept making changes every six months until the senior staff was exhausted.

When I finally asked him why there was so much constant change and told him his leaders were exhausted from the upheaval, he replied, without missing a beat “I grew up in a family with a really crazy mother and we kept changing where we lived in less than a year. We did this time and time again and it made me resourceful in finding how to navigate new schools and new friends all the time. I believe, this will be good for our organization and will help the senior executives grow as I grew in tough circumstances.”

It was not until almost all on his senior team were ready to resign that he finally “got” that what happened to him as a child was not the essence of how to run a business.

I’m sure many of you have stories of bosses who were working out their personal issues in the workplace. I’d love to hear those stories.

I’d also love to hear your thoughts on leaders you have worked with or know who have taken the time to do a deep dive into their personal past and the results.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

Ps. I think you might enjoy my award winning book… Don’t Bring it to Work. Get your copy here.

I’m Not Pattern Blind

Sylvia Lafair
September 30, 2020
Leadership, Patterns

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I’ve heard you talk about “Pattern Blindness” in the same sentence as “Speaking the Unspeakable.” Can you say more, please?

Here is my issue. I am beyond frustrated and stressed with my boss who is always saying the same things over and over. He loves to talk about himself and brag about all his successes.

And yes, the business is a success and I am well paid.

However, he’s definitely blind to his patterns.

Then when there is a problem it gets blamed on the first person who is in view.

Sadly, that is me, the guy who does most of the work and gets all the calls late at night.

I guess we play into each other’s patterns because I have not ever, and that means in 6 years, ever spoken the unspeakable (that when he starts the blame game, he drives me nuts and I keep thinking I will quit this damn job and never talk with him again).

I just smile, stuff my upset, and fix his messes.

I guess I’m not pattern blind, since I see what I am doing.

What do I need to learn to do to “speak the unspeakable?”

Signed,

Need HELP

Dear Need HELP,

Glad you can see the issue at hand. Here are some thoughts about what really matters in leadership development and executive education.

Becoming Pattern Aware is important and is relatively easy to learn. Just take the Leadership Quiz to see where you have behaviors that need to change. Here is a link to the quiz.

Learning to “speak the unspeakable” is probably the most complex issue of working together and one of the most vital parts of emotional intelligence.

When we were little kids, we had to be trained OUT of saying exactly what we saw, heard, or felt.

If you thought your uncle looked funny with his shiny bald head (before it became fashionable) and you pointed and laughed, most likely you were shushed and told that was not polite.

Or when your mom was looking sad and you asked, “What’s the matter?” and you were told, “Oh nothing, and don’t ask again.” Yet, you saw her wiping tears when she thought no one was looking. And you asked again and heard “I’m FINE!” and like most kids, you decided to stuff your feelings and play the family game of “Let’s Pretend.”

I think that social media is giving many folks an outlet for speaking the unspeakable. However, they are still usually NOT talking directly to the one who is driving them crazy.

Question: What do you say to your boss?

Here is a suggestion. Tell him how you are feeling. Do not, I repeat, do not tell him what a “pattern blind” jerk he is.

Here are some thoughts that may help.

“I really respect your success (you said he brags about successes, so start there) and I am glad we work so well together most of the time and the business is so successful. (and that is your truth).

However, my nature is to say “yes” whenever you need extra help and sometimes, I really want to say, “not now” and I really have to get better at speaking my truth.

So, when I do speak the truth to you and if it is upsetting, let’s talk about it. Cause right now I’m looking at how to make relationships at work be the best they can be and my relationship with you really matters.”

Put this into your own words, this is just to give you some direction on how to communicate.

To your success,

Sylvia

P.S. You will get even more tips and tools from watching this masterclass about how to practice safe stress in tough times. It’s about what you need to do to make your life less stressful and chaotic and calmer.

diversity, Growth, Patterns, Stress

I Can’t Take Anymore Surprises…

Sylvia Lafair
September 23, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Each day I think to myself “I can’t take any more surprises. I can’t take any more whining. I can’t take anymore bungled messes.”

And then something else happens.

I went into a deep depression after the news of Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s passing hit the world.
Look, I didn’t know her, and my daily life as I live it was not impacted. So, why was I so upset. I couldn’t really do much of worth for the next few days.

I felt like I lost a grandmother or a loved aunt.

I know, I know, she was an icon for women’s rights, for equality for all of us.

However, this is about what I need to do to not become a mess of rubble as each day offers another surprise or challenge.
Question: How do I/we stay sane in this very tense, strange world of today?

Signed,
Going to pop!!

Dear GTP,

Don’t! I mean hang in there. We are all being tested to see how strong we are. You may have heard the saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt:

“We are like teabags. You never know how strong we are

until we are put in hot water.”

I have been spending my time finding all the overt and subtle ways to de-stress during these stressful days.

Let me be your change cheerleader for a few minutes.

Smile even when you feel like crap: As you become more tense take a few deep breaths (I know, I know, that’s not enough). After the breaths smile, either putting your lips in an upward arc or smile internally. The smile actually stimulates a release of endorphins to counteract stress hormones and strengthens your immune system.
Beyond smiling, go for a belly laugh: Make sure your belly “jiggles” (easy for some and not so for others… do it anyway). Belly laughs enhance oxygen intake to stimulate the heart, lungs, and muscles. Here’s a joke to get you laughing:

“Did you know there’s a new restaurant in town?

It’s called KARMA. No menu. You get what you

deserve!”

Hope that helped. However, if not go to YouTube and watch some funny bits. Even if you feel lousy, give yourself a few minutes to laugh. That’s how Norman Cousins, MD, helped himself after a dreaded diagnosis. He writes about it in his book “An Anatomy Of An Illness.” Also, now we have ‘laughter yoga’ so, instead of flexing to do the downward dog go for laughter.

Walk barefoot in a park: Do this on a sunny day. Feel the softness on the soles of your feet and also get a good dose of vitamin D (known as the sunshine vitamin) to keep your bones healthy as well as strengthening and stretching the muscles, tendons and ligaments in your feet.
Do the 7-day SANITY CHALLENGE: I have put together some easy and creative ways to keep your stress down and sanity up. The next challenge will start on October 1 and yes, there will be prizes.

We cannot know from day to day what will be put on our very full plates. It’s a time to help each other not just cope, it’s time to help each other grow and learn more effective ways of responding to well…… everything!

Smile, laugh, walk barefoot, and stay sane. You can do it. We all can do it. And reach out to touch someone (virtually that is) so we can all get through this together.

And whenever you feel down, just think about the power of that diminutive lady, Ruth Bader Ginsburg who overcame challenge after challenge in her life and made all of our lives better.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns, Stress

Romancing the Bullies

Sylvia Lafair
September 16, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

Help me understand. My boss is driving me crazy I want to help and be a great colleague, however, what he is doing makes no sense.

He ignores those who want to help him, to be a resource, and make our company great again.

However, he ignores them, and instead he ‘romances’ those who are the biggest bullies and I know, will take advantage when the time to strike is right.

I think we may end up losing our best employees and end up bankrupt.

All I can tell you is that he sings the praises of the jerks and ignores everyone else.

Thoughts?

Concerned

Job concern

Dear Concerned,

You should be! You see your boss is still ‘looking for love in all the wrong places.’

I think all leadership development programs should have an entire module on helping leaders become self-aware.

And that means they should learn to observe their own behavior (not just that of those who report to them) and understand why they choose to do what they do, so they can make better decisions.

I was just reading about a rather famous person who ended up creating a great deal of havoc because he never came to grips with his childhood anger at his father.

It sounds like your boss may be in the same situation.

When you have a father, who is only interested in performance, and you are the dedicated sibling to be the performer you know how to act.

So, you can continue what is familiar.

You end up finding a mentor who is stronger and more competent than you (just like your dad).

And then you do whatever you can to gain their favor, just like you did as a kid.

The hope is that you will finally be the shining light and win the long sought after approval.

I hope this makes sense.

In any case, the question is “what can YOU do?”

You are, as they say, ‘between a rock and a hard place.’

And yet, you need to do something, whether it helps or not is to be decided in the future.

I suggest you have a talk with your boss and begin to add some personal info about you.

During the conversation, you can bring up something about your own relationship with your father and then ask him about how his relationship was.

People often love to talk about themselves and he may just give you enough room to say something like…. “Have you noticed how much (name) your mentor is like your dad.

That may be enough for your boss to think in a new way.

At that point, you need to bow out. Do not become his coach or therapist. Instead, simply suggest he go that route and talk with someone who can guide him to see how he is still coveting recognition from his dad.

This is a BIG issue and I suggest you and he read Don’t Bring It to Work for a detailed way to work with old patterns that show up in present times.

I hope this helps.

And, by the way, I would love you to join my 7 Day Sanity Challenge. You can join at any time in the next few days!

To your success,

Sylvia

Business, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Managing Stress, Patterns, Stress

What to do when you feel like you have no more bandwidth

Sylvia Lafair
July 15, 2020

What do you keep telling yourself when you have no more bandwidth to do one more thing?

If you are a high achieving business person, I bet you just said to yourself, “I can always do just one more thing today.”

That’s exactly what my senior VP client told me two weeks ago.

And yesterday I got a call from his office that he wanted to talk, that he was feeling somewhat better from the raging headache, high fever, and chills that Covid19 had blessed him with.

He called me later in the day and said “Sylvia, I really am a jerk. I thought I was invincible. Yes, I feel better now but I know the fever will get me again and I just wanted to tell you that you are right. And thanks.”

Before I could ask him what I am so right about he said he had to go (he meant that literally) and rushed to the bathroom.

Today he called again and had more time to put his thoughts together.

He asked me to write my weekly blog about what he las learned in the very long and unpleasant past few weeks.

“I want everyone to know that they better prioritize what really matters before crazy COVID does it for them. I was such a high achieving guy that I would listen to people who talked about work-life balance as if they were all wimps. Male and female, they were the ones who would never be the top leaders.

I, on the other hand, was always there saying things like ‘As soon as….’

Our bottom line is better.

There are a few more experts on my team.

Our technology issues are handled.

I can delegate to the newbies.

I come up with some new products.

Here is what I learned. So sad, I had to learn it the hard way. I know you have been encouraging me to look for a better balance. And, I must admit, I figured you were just giving me your ‘be kind, be nice’ woman talk.

I saw myself as fierce, kinda the ‘large and in charge’ type of guy. It’s all bullshit!

This pandemic takes out whoever gets in its path.

Unless you, that means everyone who reads this, learn to prioritize, stop barreling though because you can, ignoring the pain, both physical and emotional, from having to be a super-achiever, not stopping to say “What the hell am I doing and even better, why am I running on empty?” you may never get a second chance.

I’m lucky. Like Chris Cuomo on CNN. I’m getting better and am able to get great care from my wife. I only hope that she and my three kids stay well.

I am now willing to do whatever it takes to have a life that is more about sharing and caring than about being the first up the hill.

I want some pointers on what I can do to be a more effective human being, not just a more effective leader.

Tell everyone that life includes work yet it is not just about that slippery word, success unless you have it in all areas of your life.”

And there you have it.

We are all being given the opportunity to look inside ourselves and make some vital decisions.

When you feel like you have no more bandwidth, I suggest that you take a break so you won’t break down or burn out.

Hopefully, the virus will pass you by. Or at least, you will have the stamina to fight it off.

Live a life that is satisfying and fulfilling. Now, that is a great definition of success.

Managing Stress, Patterns, Stress, Success

Are You Drowning in Stress?

Sylvia Lafair
June 24, 2020

“HELP! I’m drowning in stress.”

Those are the words that are becoming a universal theme these days.

“I hear you. I want to support you.” Is my response.

I have some good ideas on how to navigate these days of confusion and
complexity.

I wish I had a magic wand and could do a few quick wand waves and make
everything better.

Since I’m not a fairy godmother, here’s what I can do.

I can give you some tools to help you understand why you keep getting
overwhelmed, why you feel anxious when change is in the air, and why you
feel disheartened even on the most beautiful, sunny days.

Want to blame all of your tense behavior on today’s stressful situations?

Maybe you can blame some of your crappy mood on what is happening
today. But, not all of it.

Please listen to the words you use to express your upset.

Here’s what happened recently to Marcy, a senior executive known for her
amazing insights and quick wit.

Last week she was left out of the loop on a project. Was it intentional or
was it just an oversight?

Her trusted colleague, her boss, someone she loved to work with had put
the finishing touches on the proposal without asking Marcy’s permission or
her approval.

Here is what Marcy said to me several days ago:

“It was an old, familiar feeling, being discounted. By the time I called to talk
with my boss I was almost out of control. As I spewed forth my rage I really
listened to my words. As you say, Sylvia, I got at the observation of myself.

I told her over and over that she had crossed boundaries that were
inappropriate and simply not okay with me.

How dare she not consider me and my feelings?

And then I went limp.

I heard what I was saying. I felt the way I used to feel after my parents,
both of them would discipline me by beating the crap out of me if I ever
spoke up for me.

I finally calmed down and to my embarrassment found out that she has
sent the proposal back to me to complete. I had not received it yet.

At least I became aware of why I was so damned upset pretty quickly so I
could do damage control.”

Marcy’s memories had taken over and with her emotions leading the way,
she could not sit quietly. The past had invaded the present.

They showed up when an old wound from years ago got touched. This is
happening more and more these days as we all reach the limits of handling
stress both from work, at home and in the world at large.

I have put together a program so you can find more effective ways to
handle stress and not let the triggers from the past take over your behavior
today.

It’s about finding the zone between shouting out upset and stuffing it down.

I call it the safe stress zone.

Join me in a master class to find out about what causes you to fly off the
handle like Marcy did or run and hide like so many others do.

Stress won’t go away and neither will the old memories that cause the
stings of hurt and anxiety.

However, you can learn better ways to navigate the rocky road of these
difficult days.

Watch the master class here and learn how you can stay in the safe stress zone.

Business and Life Patterns, Managing Stress, Patterns, Stress, Success

How to declutter your mind and get it organized

Sylvia Lafair
June 17, 2020

Did you declutter your home during the past few months? Is that all you need to declutter? Here’s what one of my clients said that had me laughing and cheering him on. Two levels to declutter…. Your home and your mind!

“Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I have always been a leader, and I have been known as “the boss who is not bossy.”

I guess that’s good.

I always like to include others in decision making.

However, being at home with my wife and two teens has been anything but pleasurable.

Their grumpy manner finally got to me and I created a family project. I was/am in charge.

My wife took a back seat and simply watched as I maneuvered this project like I was at work, where people really listen to me.

The project was to declutter the house.

I know that wonderful Japanese author, Marie Kondo wrote “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and talks about the virtue of a decluttered home.

However, she really doesn’t talk about how to harness the power of a girl who is 14 and a boy who is 17 who hate being on the same team and annoy each other to their limits.

I apologized to my wife who has put up with more of their GOTCHA Games than I do. I told her I should have been more involved sooner.

But, I digress…..

What I learned as we cleaned out the cabinets, got piles together to take to Goodwill, was the following, and it’s what you have been teaching for years and years.

Here goes…..

The clutter in your mind is as important to get rid of as the clutter in your home.

I now see that all the work I have done with your organization about behavior patterns and pattern repetition is really to declutter your mind.

I had a really amazing talk with my kids about this as we cleaned the closets and made the space in the house feel calm and expansive.

We talked about why they are such jerks to each other and how that patterns of GOTCHA could become so ingrained they would take them to work and there, it could mean lost opportunities for promotion or creative collaboration.

Honestly, to my surprise, they listened.

They asked questions, they wanted to learn.

So, please can you send a copy of your e-book GOTCHA to me (signed would matter) so I can go over it with my teens.

And just FYI, my wife was able to leave us to our education and get some of her work for her high– powered leadership job done without begging for peace and quiet.

My new theory is to do both:

Declutter your home and get it organized

Declutter your mind and get it organized.

Thanks in advance for the book, and thanks for all the great info about these dang patterns that we need to purge and transform.

Best wishes,

The NOT Bossy Boss

Coaching, Leadership Strategies, Patterns

How to STOP Being a Pleaser

Sylvia Lafair
June 1, 2020
being a pleaser, Leadership Strategies, pleaser

Hi everyone, Silvia Lafair here and I’m calling all pleasers. I’ve got some new research. I did and a half for me. So, pay attention, very interesting. I have a big question for anybody who’s a pleaser, lives with a pleaser, knows a pleaser. You can ask them or answer it yourself. Big question, do you say ‘YES’ because you care or do you say ‘YES’ because you want to be accepted. Big difference in those two yeses, and you know I have found that until you really understand the why of your ‘YES,’ you’re never gonna be able to say ‘NO’ in a strong way. It’s interesting ‘cuz for years, I’ve been teaching.

Remember, ‘NO’ is a complete sentence and people laugh. They think that’s really great and all the leaders love it and the emerging leaders get it, but it’s really not enough. So, what I say is, remember ‘NO’ is a complete sentence, and you don’t have to defend, explain or justify. You just have to say it and yet I have found so many people, really it sticks in their throat. They can’t get it out and their ‘NO’ comes out more like a question than an exclamation point. They’re going nooo.., I know I really can’t do it, but you, when you hear that most people know they can maneuver and figure a way to get the pleaser to do what they want.

So, again the question, “Do you say ‘YES’ because you care or do you say ‘YES’ because you want to be accepted, and I believe many pleasers are in the one of the accepted realm. Not good or bad. You just have to understand it, and do something about it.

So, here’s the thing. As I was working on this new program I’m putting together, called ‘Stress Busters,’ I really figured out something that I don’t know why it took me so long, but I figured it out, and that’s that, a lot of pleasers can’t say ‘NO’ because they think it’s impolite, because they think it’s harsh and it’s rude and the truth is, it can be. So, I’ve created what I’m calling that, ‘Not for Me Method.’ This is an interim method. It’s like strength training you have to practice till you can lift the heavy weights, where you have to practice till you can finally say the real ‘NO’ and mean it and people will listen.

So, here’s what you do, this is the ‘Not for Me Method’ right? Okay. So, if somebody says, ‘Will you take on a new project?’ And you want to say ‘NO,’but you think that’s impolite or I’m giving you another direct report and you want to say, ‘No, can’t handle any more’ or there’s another meeting and you’re going to say, ‘No, I have too much’ or ‘Are you making dinner tonight?’ You want to say ‘No, you have two hands to go make dinner or we have to do this for the kids,’ and you’re saying, ‘No, not right now.’ Anyway, this is the interim. Okay, take a pause. Take a breath when somebody says something ‘NO.’

Here’s the polite way. We want to be polite. So, the first thing when somebody says something is, you say, ‘Thanks or thank you.’ That’s polite right? We don’t teach people to say thank you. So, you’re going to say, ‘Thank you,’ and then you’re going to say, here’s the sentence: ‘This is just not the right time for me. Thank you, this is just not the right time for me,’ or ‘Thanks, that doesn’t work for me now and practice it.’ I promise you you’re going to be able to say it with more conviction than just saying the ‘NO,’ just saying a plain ‘NO,’ and once you do that, it frees something up. You please is because pleasers in my model, transform into truth-tellers. More about that in the ‘Stress Busters’ stuff.

So, you’re gonna let go of those horrible feelings of guilt and overwhelm and obligation. You’re just gonna say, ‘Thank you, that won’t work for me right now.’ It’s better than just that brute ‘No.’ So, that’s what I’m giving you today and if you’d like more information, DM me. If you have questions, put them down at the bottom of this.

Love to hear from you. Love to have communication, going back and forth and pleasers. I promise you, I promise you, I wrote this very powerfully here because I want you to get that. Once you do this, you will have more room, more freedom, more energy for things you love to do. So, give it a shot and have a beautiful day.

Thank you so much.

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Growth, Patterns, Success

How to Deal with a Narcissist

Sylvia Lafair
May 20, 2020

I’ve been getting lots of questions about how to deal with the narcissist lately. I began to wonder if this personality type is more prevalent, or at least more obvious during times of extra stress.

So, I did a deep dive into various publications and paid special attention to the news.

Yes, there are lots of Narcissists in the news.

I have a few that stand out for me.

How about you? I’d love to compare notes.

Then I started to think about where narcissism starts. It led me right back to my book where I sort through the behavior patterns and personality traits that are part of our developmental years.

The patterns I discuss in ‘Don’t Bring It to Work” are the ones that we learned as kids from our original organization, the family, and bring with us to work.

They get in the way of connection, communication, and collaboration at work (and at home, I might add).

The pattern I discuss in detail that comes closest to the narcissist is the Super Achiever. That is the individual I call the “me, me, me guy or gal.”

Super Achievers and Narcissists are very much alike.

They boast about how good they are.

They are not team players.

They steal ideas from others and claim them for their own.

They talk a great game.

They show off and claim they have special talents yet, without much substance.

They are self-obsessed.

They damage others without thought of consequences.

They cut off people rather than work through issues.

They love high-end material things and shiny objects that cost lots of money.

They ghost people who no longer matter in their quest for greatness.

They claim to care about you, and about making the world a better place.

And, truth be told, they really never care about you unless you can do something for them.

Super achievers and narcissists don’t want to change. Often, they are not even aware of how self-indulgent they are.

They want you to cater to them, bow to them and listen to them. They KNOW better about what really matters.

Got the idea

Now for the downside. (Yes, there is more).

The super achiever and the narcissist also have a great deal of victim psychology underneath the bravado. They play the victim card when they feel they are being disrespected or discarded.

You hear “No one ever asks if I’m okay and I do so much for so many.”

Just notice when someone you know who thinks they are King or Queen of the Hill decides you or whoever has discounted them.

You get fired if you have the unholy privilege of working for them.

You are talked about in negative ways.

You are thrown out of their very tight-knit tribe.

You will be the target of their revenge.

Do you get the drift?

Now, what to do if you are in a relationship with, work with, or just happen to be around one of these destructive types of people.

Here’s what I suggest you do.

STOP!.

Just stop playing into their narrative or it will cost you emotionally and/or fiscally.

They may write a book and you will be slimed. They will not support you and you may end up jobless. They will make sure you are considered untrustworthy and unwanted by their ‘in-crowd.’

Enough! You get it.

Be careful.

I had a super achieving narcissist do some marketing for me years ago. It cost a ton of wasted money till I woke up.

It was expensive hogwash.

And yet, I learned a great deal about my own weakness for being ‘romanced’ and told how great my work is and what he could do to help me.

I had to address how and why I got entrapped by this narcissist.

Did I change my relationship with Mr. Narcissist?

No.

However, from that awful, expensive encounter I learned some uncomfortable truths about myself.

Just sayin!

There is good news, however,

Patterns can be transformed into their healthy opposite with some inner work about how they developed in the first place. The super achiever/narcissist can become a powerful creative collaborator who is respected and really does make a difference.

Want to know the top 13 top patterns at work and their positive transformations?

I’ve got a fascinating video series that explains each one and you’ll get clarity about what might be holding you back!

>>CLICK HERE TO START WATCHING<<

Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Managing Stress, Patterns

Stress & Mixed Messages: How to Stop the Maddening Communication from Messages that Are Inconsistent and Unclear

Sylvia Lafair
April 30, 2020
ask question, Communication, communication skills, maddening communication, mixed messages, reboot, stop, Stress

Hi everybody! Sylvia Lafair here.

Today, I’d like to talk about stress and mixed messages. When stress gets high, mixed messages get even higher, and I was thinking about when I was raising my daughters, and you know, I did mix messages. I’m sure most of you can relate to this one. I’d say, ‘Go to your room and stay there for the rest of the day,” just ready to tear my hair out. Anyway, about an hour later, I’m yelling up, ‘Come down here! Dinner’s ready!’

So, what do you do with that? You come down and eat, but these mixed messages jungle and jangle and make us always feeling a little crazed, and in the past week, I’ve been getting a lot of calls from clients, and here are a few of what they’ve been saying: one said, “I handed in a proposal that we’re getting ready for the future, and I handed in a proposal and my boss said, ‘Your writing is wonderful,’ and then I got the proposal back to put in its final form. It was trashed and slashed and filled with red marks and changes.” So, what’s the message I was getting? Anyway, that’s one.

Another one said, ‘we’re getting ready to hire some new people even if it’s a difficult time, and I was told I was in line, and then I was told we’re recruiting outside.’ So, I don’t know where I stand with any of this and somebody else said, “you know, I’m going to wait to start the meeting because I said I would be a little bit late, and I’ll wait. The boss said, ‘I’ll wait to start the meeting,’ and then of course started it without me there, and I’m not sure how to handle all this.” So, I am giving right now advice to the receiver, the person who’s getting the mixed messages and it’s three simple things. Simple in words but not so simple when you want to do them.

So, it means stop, question, reboot.

Those are the three. Now, the first one is, stop when somebody is giving you mixed messages. All the time you simply have to say stop now. Stop is what we call a pattern interrupt. It’s like throwing ice water. The word stop universally means the same thing everywhere. It means exactly what it says. It means stop and it means what we’re doing isn’t working or you have to wait for something else before you can do what you want to do. What the word stop is a power word. So, please use it. The first thing you do is, say stop, and you say exactly what’s going on.
I’m getting confused. I’m getting puzzled. I’m feeling frozen. These mixed messages I’m getting are not helping. That’s one.

The next is, you ask a question. I call it an accountability question, and the question is, what do you want as an outcome from this conversation? You ask the other person, who’s been giving the mixed messages? and then you wait. You wait, you don’t answer. You don’t give them clues. You simply let them answer, and then you have to reboot, and say, I would appreciate it if we could do this differently, because when I’m getting the meeting is on in the morning, and then half hour later, the meeting is off, and then another 45 minutes later, the meeting is on, and then the meeting is off. It makes me crazy, and I need your help in this. So, you’re also offering something to the other person.

Good communication is really clear. So, that’s from the end of the person who’s receiving the mixed messages. The one who’s giving the mixed messages, you’ve got work to do. A lot of good deep powerful work to do, because what you have to keep in your mind, and I would put this on your computer, on the refrigerator, on your mirror, in your bathroom, and it’s, it says, ‘from here on, I will say what I mean and do what I say.’ That’s called consistency and and we’re looking for that. Say what I mean and do what I say, even if what you’re going to is, look I don’t have an answer for you right now. We’re going through a difficult time and I may have to pivot or change my mind or change the direction, but I will let you know and we will talk about it. So, you give people clues to this. You don’t just keep throwing out the mixed messages, and if I were raising my kids now, I would not go to that place I did, which is, go to your room for the rest of the day.

I remember once saying, ‘go to your room for the rest of the year and I think it was January 3rd. So, obviously my frustration and my stress had hit the the end point to all of us. We need to learn how to handle stress and keep it in what I call, ‘the safe stress zone in that middle zone,’ because then we’re not overreacting with lots of noise or pretending nothing’s wrong or stuffing it and keeping it in.

Now, what I would appreciate is, if you found this helpful, if you would click the like button at the bottom or at least put a response in on how you’re handling stress. That would be wonderful and look for more information about this next week.

Thank you so much. This is to your success. Thank you.

1 2 3 … 6 Next

Recent Posts