Patterns Archives | CEOptions

Look… We’re All Human, Right?

Sylvia Lafair
December 2, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

Look, we’re all human. Right?

We all have good and bad personality traits. Right?

We all change and grow as we become more seasoned leaders. Right?

And in this uncertain and complex world, we all need to give each other some slack and help each other become the best we can be. Right?

Okay, so here is my dilemma.

My colleague, let’s call him Tom, is a real jerk.

He is always, and I mean always, arguing that his way is the best way. He talks about all the work he has done with his “expensive and talented executive coach.”

Yet, while he uses the most popular vernacular of today about mindsets, he has not, and I mean never, changed his mindset in the three years I have been working on the same team with him.

He thinks he is a great, compassionate, and inclusive leader.

Then, how come all the executives on his team think he is, as I mentioned earlier, a jerk. A jerk who is always talking about how evolved he is. It’s bull!

Is his a mind-set or mind-trap?

No one can argue with him. He just tells everyone they need to do work on their negative mindsets, just like he has done with his “expensive and talented executive coach.”

Look, I know there are tons of books on child and adolescent development. What about adult development?

Are we merely the product of how we were raised? Are we doomed to repeat the behaviors of the past, even if we have expensive coaches?

I am not just asking about Tom. I am also asking for myself.

Look, if we are all destined to grow in our early years of adulthood and then start to whither away, not just physically, also emotionally and mentally, I will just accept what is and work around his/my ego limitations.

However, if there is another way, I’m all ears.

Signed,

Need an expensive coach

Dear Need,

Interestingly, I have been getting tons of emails asking what I think about the study of mind-set as the core of leadership development work.

Yes, learning about positive and negative mind-sets is crucial for executive development.

HOWEVER, the issue, as I see it, is that it is being parroted in the coaching arena as the only way to be a real leader. Change your mindset like you change your underwear and all will be good.

Big question is, “What does it take to make deep and lasting change?”

There are a few excellent books I can suggest. Maybe give one to your colleague Tom as a holiday gift. And gift yourself with one.

Go Suck a Lemon: Strategies for Improving Your Emotional Intelligence by Michael Cornwall: About the ability to perceive, control, and evaluate emotions.
What It Takes by Stephen A. Schwarzman: Guides values for now and the next generation at work.
Working with Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman: The secret of success is not what they taught you in school.
Unlocking Leadership Mind-traps: How to Thrive in Complexity by Jennifer Garvey Berger
Don’t Bring It To Work by Sylvia Lafair: About how family, culture, and crisis show up at work when stress is high.

I have a list of maybe 20 books that are really good. Yet, I didn’t want to overwhelm you.

As you can see, I added my book here since you talked about what a jerk your co-worker Tom can be and, in my book I discuss the 13 most common behavior patterns (you can call each one a jerk!) that come from family and show up at work.

Examples are the pleaser, the avoider, the persecutor/bully, the super-achiever, the rescuer, etc.

These are deeply ingrained “mind-sets” that can become “mind-traps” if not faced and transformed.

I suggest you talk with Tom about mind-sets as well as begin the discussion about mind-traps when the ego must win by being right rather than happy.

I also want to acknowledge you NEED for asking questions about what can be done differently, rather than just throwing Tom to the wolves, so to speak.

I believe that we are facing a time to ask ourselves and each other what we can do to make healthy changes while we all face an invisible force in the global pandemic.

Let me know how I can help,

Sylvia

P.S. If you would like a copy of my Pattern Aware Success Guide that is a companion to Don’t Bring It To Work please send me an email and it is my gift to each of you. sylvia@ceoptions.com

P.S.S. Here is the link to offer to Tom or whoever, to get my newsletter every Wednesday.

Leadership, Patterns, Stress

Why is My Boss Acting Like a Baby?

Sylvia Lafair
November 11, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

You remember the song from “My Fair Lady” that has the following words “Why can’t a woman be more like a man” and on and on it goes about male superiority.

It really seems a bit old-fashioned these days when women are gaining strength at work, at home, everywhere.

However, I think the song could be changed to “Why are so many leaders behaving like babies” or something like that.

In my office I have a boss who pouts, sulks, stamps his feet, makes snide remarks, gives those he dislikes “pet” names, and is always on the defensive.

It’s exhausting.

I will keep this short. My question is: what can I/we do to get our boss to grow up? And I really mean it. He is such a baby that half the staff is ready to quit. And I am resisting the temptation in case there is something that can be done to turn the tide.

Thanks for any advice,

Signed,

Not a babysitter

Dear Not a Babysitter,

This year seems to bring out the worst in some people. I think the uncertainty and the fear of getting physically sick are playing roles.

However, underneath that lurks something much more substantial.

It has to do with the fear of failure and at the core of very poor workplace behavior is the emotional system that may not have ever been addressed.

Your boss, like many in the workplace, sounds like he has never really become self- aware.

When I started as an executive coach several decades ago, doing “inner work” was joked about or frowned upon.

It did not, so many said, belong in the workplace. It was considered therapy, and therapy was only for people who were in deep distress.

Not true then and absolutely still not true.

The times, they are changing, thank goodness.

Leaders and emerging leaders do better when they are aware of both what pushes their buttons and how their behavior impacts others.

Now, let’s look specifically at your boss.

Since I don’t have a detailed understanding of him I will touch lightly on what I think is causing him to call people names, makes snide remarks, etc.

Somewhere as he was growing up, he learned that to side-step difficult discussions made him safe. And he got away with it.

He also learned that if he created a diversion, like yelling, or sulking he would no longer have to be accountable for what was not working in his younger life, and now he continues this behavior in business.

It happens all the time.

However, it is also how a business can tank.

Here are the signs that your boss is causing so many of your colleagues to consider leaving.

Increased absenteeism
Reduced productivity
Human resource complaints
Excessive drama
Disregard for the facts
Rigid camps for/against the boss
Possibility of violence (verbal/physical fights)

The big question is: “What can I do?”

The big answer is: Take the risk to tell your boss what you see happening.

‘What,” you ask “Are the consequences of telling the truth to power?”

You may leave your job because you cannot be heard or you may become the hero to help your boss begin the journey to self-awareness and once again, love your job.

Either way, you win.

No, I’m not nuts.

If you lose your job for taking a stand against a child-boss, you will be better off elsewhere.

If your boss hears you and decides to get some executive coaching, he will remember your courage and who knows what kind of promotion is ahead.

I say, take the risk.

Before you talk with him, I suggest you look through either my book “Don’t Bring It To Work” (it’s won a bunch of awards) or if you like, I will send you a copy of my short e-book “79 Power Sentences” to give you an idea of what you can say when you talk to “the little guy.”

Let me know what happens.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

P.S. You may also need my Stress Busters program that will be launched next week. Give a holler if you want to join.

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns

Common Destructive Behavior Patterns That Can Drive You NUTS, at Work, at Home, Everywhere (and what to do about them)

Sylvia Lafair
November 3, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia.

I hate to complain, but my boss is driving me totally crazy. He is smart and knows the science behind what we do, however, as a leader he is just plain awful.

For example, He is always telling us how great he is, how many awards he has won, about how much people adore him.

Yet, when it comes to making decisions about big picture future endeavors, he shoots from the hip not based on any of the stats that are right in front of him. He does not ask for feedback, and without using these words, says “my way or the highway.”

I’m ready to leave.

Problem is, I love the products we have and I love making people healthy and happy. I left out the type of products our company manufactures since we are such a known brand.

My guess is, that these braggart leaders who ignore the facts are a dime a dozen.

The big question is: what can I do before I give up and get out?

Signed,

Still Hopeful

Dear Still Hopeful,

Think about your business leader and would you vote for her or him if you had the choice to choose?

Of course not.

Let’s look at the man you just discussed. You just said he is annoying and always talking about how great he is, yet not willing to use data to drive decisions.

These are behaviors that can become super frustrating and make you want to run and hide, or worse, leave a company you love.

He sounds like a combination of a super achiever and a denier. That’s a combination filled with destructive possibilities.

It’s the type of person who is willing to drive the fastest race car on a winding road without guardrails.

That’s a way of behaving that could lead to an ugly crash. I see why you don’t want to continue in the speeding auto with him.

Where are all the normal, healthy people, you ask?

Yes, he was good at his prior job. However, as a leader he sucks.

If he would only accept feedback and look the facts in the face, maybe there is a chance he would change.

The bad news is:

Every workplace is filled with disappointments like your boss or some version of him.

There is the leader who never stops complaining or the hotshot newbie who is always talking about her past successes or the guy with the bad jokes who takes up so much air time at meetings.

In fact, haven’t you found that there are so many different personality characteristics that drive you nuts at one time or another? These frustrations are understandable. The big question, however, is why do some people behave in ways that hit your hot buttons, and what can be done about it?

And then there are times you have to look in your own mirror and ask, “Why do I always respond to braggarts or whiners in such a negative way?”

Here are the 13 most annoying and common patterns that show up at work, at home, everywhere. You will see your boss or direct report or maybe the woman who just joined who never shuts up about her ideas… You may see your mother-in-law who judges everything or your sister who was always attempting to make you look foolish. And, maybe, you will see a part of yourself.

The good news is:

These patterns of behavior are real. This is good news? Yes, once you recognize them you can do something about them. You can transform them to flip to the other side, the positive side. You can begin to change how you respond and maybe even help someone else change how they look at what is really going on past superficial reactions

The first order of business is to observe them:

Super Achiever – must win at all costs
Rebel – can’t accept any authority
Procrastinator – won’t finish anything
Clown – reduces everything to a joke
Persecutor – bullies people into misery
Victim – too scared to take any action
Rescuer – demands to be the big hero
Drama Queen/King – makes emotional scenes
Martyr – does everyone else’s work
Pleaser – says what folks want to hear
Avoider – dodges work and responsibility
Denier – won’t face problems directly
Splitter – secretly sets up the conflict

There are ways to cope with people who fit these patterns. Better yet, there are ways to go beyond coping and help them transform into more productive ways of responding.

I don’t want you to think this is an instant fix. It is not.

Changing behavior in anything beyond a superficial way requires discipline, time, and commitment. However, it is possible to make change happen once you look back at where the patterns started. And when you do, the rewards are amazing – more honest communication, better relationships, optimized teamwork, better financial results, and the deep fulfillment that comes with living a more authentic life.

Emotional intelligence is important and becoming pattern aware is the next layer of 21st Century leadership development.

I suggest you set up a strategy session with one of our Pattern Breakthrough Coaches before you give up and get out.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

P.S. You would also benefit from reading my award-winning book “Don’t Bring It to Work” for more information and ways to make change happen effectively

P.S.S You may also want to consider signing up for my online program Stress Busters that goes into detail about the patterns and what to do so you can move from chaotic to calm.

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns

Elections, Families and Victor Frankenstein

Sylvia Lafair
October 21, 2020

Watching all the back and forth, division and blaming, fear, and concern about this election got me thinking.

Not long ago, on Twitter, someone posted “Whoever goes to the White House will bring along many others with their personal baggage.”

There was no claim as to who would win the election or who they would bring with them. Just a less than 280-character bit of information to think about.

Got me thinking.

Thinking about how this most vital job, being President of the United States, is a great place to analyze the model of how businesses, small and large are so similar. And the fact that we all, each of us brings baggage from our history into the workplace, that is unless we have done enough personal work to observe, understand, and transform patterns from the past, we will play them out, often to the detriment of the business and our colleagues.

The whole concept of “office politics” is about positioning to be in the right place at the right time. It’s about favorites and gossip and backbiting and betrayal and hurts and fear and hopes and possibilities.

It’s about the baggage from the past and how it plays into the present time.

So, the Twitter person was correct.

Everyone will bring some old baggage into the White House. The question is, how much and what to do with it.

I must admit later in that evening, sick of listening to the pundits, I was looking for a way to forget about all the election issues boiling over. I decided to take a break into the film world of fantasy.

I watched Victor Frankenstein simply looking for a diversion. Based on Mary Shelley’s 1818 novel it has been done many times with the most creative being Young Frankenstein produced by Mel Brooks.

The film I watched will not win any Academy Award. However, there is a fascinating link connecting personal baggage with one of the candidates who traveled the road to the White House and wants four more years.

All Presidents are both great and awful, depending on your perspective.

However, rarely do we look at the underbelly of what drives people to seek this highest job in our country, in the world.

I sat mesmerized as I watched a film that seemed to have so many connections to what is going on right here and right now with the man who is presently in office and wanting four more years.

Here is a synopsis of the movie:

Young Victor, a brilliant physician, is driven by the need to atone for his indirect role in the death of his older brother who was set upon by a domineering father. It becomes clear that the “monster” Victor created is to be his most important contribution to science and absolve him from his guilt. The monster is just that, a monster doing damage and must be destroyed. At the end, at the last minute, Victor apologizes for all the suffering he caused and retreats to the countryside in search of new (hopefully positive) discoveries.

I must add, that Victor Frankenstein almost destroyed the world he was the leader of and it was only something (today it might be COVID) that kept him from his final destructive act.

The film has a contemporary flair in showing how vital it is to search inside yourself so that when opportunities occur on your road to your success you can travel with less old baggage.

What if all leaders had the courage to look at old ingrained patterns that repeat and repeat? What if all leaders were required to observe, understand, and transform outdated and unresolved behaviors before they caused damage?

Perhaps anyone who runs for high office should have to show us a certificate of completion of personal growth work before their name is even on a ballot.

I don’t know personally if the President is still making up for the pain of his childhood. I can only observe from afar. So many authors and professionals think that maybe the case including his niece, Mary Trump, who has her own grievances to contend with in her book “Too Much and Never Enough.”

It is worth a read.

As an executive coach, I have been amazed about how many in leadership are playing out old, outdated, family patterns at work.

One example is a man who became CEO of a large, multi-national company that kept making changes every six months until the senior staff was exhausted.

When I finally asked him why there was so much constant change and told him his leaders were exhausted from the upheaval, he replied, without missing a beat “I grew up in a family with a really crazy mother and we kept changing where we lived in less than a year. We did this time and time again and it made me resourceful in finding how to navigate new schools and new friends all the time. I believe, this will be good for our organization and will help the senior executives grow as I grew in tough circumstances.”

It was not until almost all on his senior team were ready to resign that he finally “got” that what happened to him as a child was not the essence of how to run a business.

I’m sure many of you have stories of bosses who were working out their personal issues in the workplace. I’d love to hear those stories.

I’d also love to hear your thoughts on leaders you have worked with or know who have taken the time to do a deep dive into their personal past and the results.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

Ps. I think you might enjoy my award winning book… Don’t Bring it to Work. Get your copy here.

Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

I’m Not Pattern Blind

Sylvia Lafair
September 30, 2020
Leadership, Patterns

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I’ve heard you talk about “Pattern Blindness” in the same sentence as “Speaking the Unspeakable.” Can you say more, please?

Here is my issue. I am beyond frustrated and stressed with my boss who is always saying the same things over and over. He loves to talk about himself and brag about all his successes.

And yes, the business is a success and I am well paid.

However, he’s definitely blind to his patterns.

Then when there is a problem it gets blamed on the first person who is in view.

Sadly, that is me, the guy who does most of the work and gets all the calls late at night.

I guess we play into each other’s patterns because I have not ever, and that means in 6 years, ever spoken the unspeakable (that when he starts the blame game, he drives me nuts and I keep thinking I will quit this damn job and never talk with him again).

I just smile, stuff my upset, and fix his messes.

I guess I’m not pattern blind, since I see what I am doing.

What do I need to learn to do to “speak the unspeakable?”

Signed,

Need HELP

Dear Need HELP,

Glad you can see the issue at hand. Here are some thoughts about what really matters in leadership development and executive education.

Becoming Pattern Aware is important and is relatively easy to learn. Just take the Leadership Quiz to see where you have behaviors that need to change. Here is a link to the quiz.

Learning to “speak the unspeakable” is probably the most complex issue of working together and one of the most vital parts of emotional intelligence.

When we were little kids, we had to be trained OUT of saying exactly what we saw, heard, or felt.

If you thought your uncle looked funny with his shiny bald head (before it became fashionable) and you pointed and laughed, most likely you were shushed and told that was not polite.

Or when your mom was looking sad and you asked, “What’s the matter?” and you were told, “Oh nothing, and don’t ask again.” Yet, you saw her wiping tears when she thought no one was looking. And you asked again and heard “I’m FINE!” and like most kids, you decided to stuff your feelings and play the family game of “Let’s Pretend.”

I think that social media is giving many folks an outlet for speaking the unspeakable. However, they are still usually NOT talking directly to the one who is driving them crazy.

Question: What do you say to your boss?

Here is a suggestion. Tell him how you are feeling. Do not, I repeat, do not tell him what a “pattern blind” jerk he is.

Here are some thoughts that may help.

“I really respect your success (you said he brags about successes, so start there) and I am glad we work so well together most of the time and the business is so successful. (and that is your truth).

However, my nature is to say “yes” whenever you need extra help and sometimes, I really want to say, “not now” and I really have to get better at speaking my truth.

So, when I do speak the truth to you and if it is upsetting, let’s talk about it. Cause right now I’m looking at how to make relationships at work be the best they can be and my relationship with you really matters.”

Put this into your own words, this is just to give you some direction on how to communicate.

To your success,

Sylvia

P.S. You will get even more tips and tools from watching this masterclass about how to practice safe stress in tough times. It’s about what you need to do to make your life less stressful and chaotic and calmer.

diversity, Growth, Patterns, Stress

I Can’t Take Anymore Surprises…

Sylvia Lafair
September 23, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Each day I think to myself “I can’t take any more surprises. I can’t take any more whining. I can’t take anymore bungled messes.”

And then something else happens.

I went into a deep depression after the news of Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s passing hit the world.
Look, I didn’t know her, and my daily life as I live it was not impacted. So, why was I so upset. I couldn’t really do much of worth for the next few days.

I felt like I lost a grandmother or a loved aunt.

I know, I know, she was an icon for women’s rights, for equality for all of us.

However, this is about what I need to do to not become a mess of rubble as each day offers another surprise or challenge.
Question: How do I/we stay sane in this very tense, strange world of today?

Signed,
Going to pop!!

Dear GTP,

Don’t! I mean hang in there. We are all being tested to see how strong we are. You may have heard the saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt:

“We are like teabags. You never know how strong we are

until we are put in hot water.”

I have been spending my time finding all the overt and subtle ways to de-stress during these stressful days.

Let me be your change cheerleader for a few minutes.

Smile even when you feel like crap: As you become more tense take a few deep breaths (I know, I know, that’s not enough). After the breaths smile, either putting your lips in an upward arc or smile internally. The smile actually stimulates a release of endorphins to counteract stress hormones and strengthens your immune system.
Beyond smiling, go for a belly laugh: Make sure your belly “jiggles” (easy for some and not so for others… do it anyway). Belly laughs enhance oxygen intake to stimulate the heart, lungs, and muscles. Here’s a joke to get you laughing:

“Did you know there’s a new restaurant in town?

It’s called KARMA. No menu. You get what you

deserve!”

Hope that helped. However, if not go to YouTube and watch some funny bits. Even if you feel lousy, give yourself a few minutes to laugh. That’s how Norman Cousins, MD, helped himself after a dreaded diagnosis. He writes about it in his book “An Anatomy Of An Illness.” Also, now we have ‘laughter yoga’ so, instead of flexing to do the downward dog go for laughter.

Walk barefoot in a park: Do this on a sunny day. Feel the softness on the soles of your feet and also get a good dose of vitamin D (known as the sunshine vitamin) to keep your bones healthy as well as strengthening and stretching the muscles, tendons and ligaments in your feet.
Do the 7-day SANITY CHALLENGE: I have put together some easy and creative ways to keep your stress down and sanity up. The next challenge will start on October 1 and yes, there will be prizes.

We cannot know from day to day what will be put on our very full plates. It’s a time to help each other not just cope, it’s time to help each other grow and learn more effective ways of responding to well…… everything!

Smile, laugh, walk barefoot, and stay sane. You can do it. We all can do it. And reach out to touch someone (virtually that is) so we can all get through this together.

And whenever you feel down, just think about the power of that diminutive lady, Ruth Bader Ginsburg who overcame challenge after challenge in her life and made all of our lives better.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns, Stress

Romancing the Bullies

Sylvia Lafair
September 16, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

Help me understand. My boss is driving me crazy I want to help and be a great colleague, however, what he is doing makes no sense.

He ignores those who want to help him, to be a resource, and make our company great again.

However, he ignores them, and instead he ‘romances’ those who are the biggest bullies and I know, will take advantage when the time to strike is right.

I think we may end up losing our best employees and end up bankrupt.

All I can tell you is that he sings the praises of the jerks and ignores everyone else.

Thoughts?

Concerned

Job concern

Dear Concerned,

You should be! You see your boss is still ‘looking for love in all the wrong places.’

I think all leadership development programs should have an entire module on helping leaders become self-aware.

And that means they should learn to observe their own behavior (not just that of those who report to them) and understand why they choose to do what they do, so they can make better decisions.

I was just reading about a rather famous person who ended up creating a great deal of havoc because he never came to grips with his childhood anger at his father.

It sounds like your boss may be in the same situation.

When you have a father, who is only interested in performance, and you are the dedicated sibling to be the performer you know how to act.

So, you can continue what is familiar.

You end up finding a mentor who is stronger and more competent than you (just like your dad).

And then you do whatever you can to gain their favor, just like you did as a kid.

The hope is that you will finally be the shining light and win the long sought after approval.

I hope this makes sense.

In any case, the question is “what can YOU do?”

You are, as they say, ‘between a rock and a hard place.’

And yet, you need to do something, whether it helps or not is to be decided in the future.

I suggest you have a talk with your boss and begin to add some personal info about you.

During the conversation, you can bring up something about your own relationship with your father and then ask him about how his relationship was.

People often love to talk about themselves and he may just give you enough room to say something like…. “Have you noticed how much (name) your mentor is like your dad.

That may be enough for your boss to think in a new way.

At that point, you need to bow out. Do not become his coach or therapist. Instead, simply suggest he go that route and talk with someone who can guide him to see how he is still coveting recognition from his dad.

This is a BIG issue and I suggest you and he read Don’t Bring It to Work for a detailed way to work with old patterns that show up in present times.

I hope this helps.

And, by the way, I would love you to join my 7 Day Sanity Challenge. You can join at any time in the next few days!

To your success,

Sylvia

Business, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Managing Stress, Patterns, Stress

What to do when you feel like you have no more bandwidth

Sylvia Lafair
July 15, 2020

What do you keep telling yourself when you have no more bandwidth to do one more thing?

If you are a high achieving business person, I bet you just said to yourself, “I can always do just one more thing today.”

That’s exactly what my senior VP client told me two weeks ago.

And yesterday I got a call from his office that he wanted to talk, that he was feeling somewhat better from the raging headache, high fever, and chills that Covid19 had blessed him with.

He called me later in the day and said “Sylvia, I really am a jerk. I thought I was invincible. Yes, I feel better now but I know the fever will get me again and I just wanted to tell you that you are right. And thanks.”

Before I could ask him what I am so right about he said he had to go (he meant that literally) and rushed to the bathroom.

Today he called again and had more time to put his thoughts together.

He asked me to write my weekly blog about what he las learned in the very long and unpleasant past few weeks.

“I want everyone to know that they better prioritize what really matters before crazy COVID does it for them. I was such a high achieving guy that I would listen to people who talked about work-life balance as if they were all wimps. Male and female, they were the ones who would never be the top leaders.

I, on the other hand, was always there saying things like ‘As soon as….’

Our bottom line is better.

There are a few more experts on my team.

Our technology issues are handled.

I can delegate to the newbies.

I come up with some new products.

Here is what I learned. So sad, I had to learn it the hard way. I know you have been encouraging me to look for a better balance. And, I must admit, I figured you were just giving me your ‘be kind, be nice’ woman talk.

I saw myself as fierce, kinda the ‘large and in charge’ type of guy. It’s all bullshit!

This pandemic takes out whoever gets in its path.

Unless you, that means everyone who reads this, learn to prioritize, stop barreling though because you can, ignoring the pain, both physical and emotional, from having to be a super-achiever, not stopping to say “What the hell am I doing and even better, why am I running on empty?” you may never get a second chance.

I’m lucky. Like Chris Cuomo on CNN. I’m getting better and am able to get great care from my wife. I only hope that she and my three kids stay well.

I am now willing to do whatever it takes to have a life that is more about sharing and caring than about being the first up the hill.

I want some pointers on what I can do to be a more effective human being, not just a more effective leader.

Tell everyone that life includes work yet it is not just about that slippery word, success unless you have it in all areas of your life.”

And there you have it.

We are all being given the opportunity to look inside ourselves and make some vital decisions.

When you feel like you have no more bandwidth, I suggest that you take a break so you won’t break down or burn out.

Hopefully, the virus will pass you by. Or at least, you will have the stamina to fight it off.

Live a life that is satisfying and fulfilling. Now, that is a great definition of success.

Managing Stress, Patterns, Stress, Success

Are You Drowning in Stress?

Sylvia Lafair
June 24, 2020

“HELP! I’m drowning in stress.”

Those are the words that are becoming a universal theme these days.

“I hear you. I want to support you.” Is my response.

I have some good ideas on how to navigate these days of confusion and
complexity.

I wish I had a magic wand and could do a few quick wand waves and make
everything better.

Since I’m not a fairy godmother, here’s what I can do.

I can give you some tools to help you understand why you keep getting
overwhelmed, why you feel anxious when change is in the air, and why you
feel disheartened even on the most beautiful, sunny days.

Want to blame all of your tense behavior on today’s stressful situations?

Maybe you can blame some of your crappy mood on what is happening
today. But, not all of it.

Please listen to the words you use to express your upset.

Here’s what happened recently to Marcy, a senior executive known for her
amazing insights and quick wit.

Last week she was left out of the loop on a project. Was it intentional or
was it just an oversight?

Her trusted colleague, her boss, someone she loved to work with had put
the finishing touches on the proposal without asking Marcy’s permission or
her approval.

Here is what Marcy said to me several days ago:

“It was an old, familiar feeling, being discounted. By the time I called to talk
with my boss I was almost out of control. As I spewed forth my rage I really
listened to my words. As you say, Sylvia, I got at the observation of myself.

I told her over and over that she had crossed boundaries that were
inappropriate and simply not okay with me.

How dare she not consider me and my feelings?

And then I went limp.

I heard what I was saying. I felt the way I used to feel after my parents,
both of them would discipline me by beating the crap out of me if I ever
spoke up for me.

I finally calmed down and to my embarrassment found out that she has
sent the proposal back to me to complete. I had not received it yet.

At least I became aware of why I was so damned upset pretty quickly so I
could do damage control.”

Marcy’s memories had taken over and with her emotions leading the way,
she could not sit quietly. The past had invaded the present.

They showed up when an old wound from years ago got touched. This is
happening more and more these days as we all reach the limits of handling
stress both from work, at home and in the world at large.

I have put together a program so you can find more effective ways to
handle stress and not let the triggers from the past take over your behavior
today.

It’s about finding the zone between shouting out upset and stuffing it down.

I call it the safe stress zone.

Join me in a master class to find out about what causes you to fly off the
handle like Marcy did or run and hide like so many others do.

Stress won’t go away and neither will the old memories that cause the
stings of hurt and anxiety.

However, you can learn better ways to navigate the rocky road of these
difficult days.

Watch the master class here and learn how you can stay in the safe stress zone.

Business and Life Patterns, Managing Stress, Patterns, Stress, Success

How to declutter your mind and get it organized

Sylvia Lafair
June 17, 2020

Did you declutter your home during the past few months? Is that all you need to declutter? Here’s what one of my clients said that had me laughing and cheering him on. Two levels to declutter…. Your home and your mind!

“Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I have always been a leader, and I have been known as “the boss who is not bossy.”

I guess that’s good.

I always like to include others in decision making.

However, being at home with my wife and two teens has been anything but pleasurable.

Their grumpy manner finally got to me and I created a family project. I was/am in charge.

My wife took a back seat and simply watched as I maneuvered this project like I was at work, where people really listen to me.

The project was to declutter the house.

I know that wonderful Japanese author, Marie Kondo wrote “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and talks about the virtue of a decluttered home.

However, she really doesn’t talk about how to harness the power of a girl who is 14 and a boy who is 17 who hate being on the same team and annoy each other to their limits.

I apologized to my wife who has put up with more of their GOTCHA Games than I do. I told her I should have been more involved sooner.

But, I digress…..

What I learned as we cleaned out the cabinets, got piles together to take to Goodwill, was the following, and it’s what you have been teaching for years and years.

Here goes…..

The clutter in your mind is as important to get rid of as the clutter in your home.

I now see that all the work I have done with your organization about behavior patterns and pattern repetition is really to declutter your mind.

I had a really amazing talk with my kids about this as we cleaned the closets and made the space in the house feel calm and expansive.

We talked about why they are such jerks to each other and how that patterns of GOTCHA could become so ingrained they would take them to work and there, it could mean lost opportunities for promotion or creative collaboration.

Honestly, to my surprise, they listened.

They asked questions, they wanted to learn.

So, please can you send a copy of your e-book GOTCHA to me (signed would matter) so I can go over it with my teens.

And just FYI, my wife was able to leave us to our education and get some of her work for her high– powered leadership job done without begging for peace and quiet.

My new theory is to do both:

Declutter your home and get it organized

Declutter your mind and get it organized.

Thanks in advance for the book, and thanks for all the great info about these dang patterns that we need to purge and transform.

Best wishes,

The NOT Bossy Boss

1 2 3 … 6 Next

Recent Posts