Stress Archives | CEOptions

I Can’t Stay In The Calm Zone

Sylvia Lafair
January 20, 2021

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I am more than miffed. I am furious.

I usually can stay in the calm zone but right now I can’t.

Here’s the situation: I had a great idea for all of us working from home. I thought I found some ways to keep people more engaged with less conflict during the workday.

I told my colleague and guess what?

He stole my idea.

He took all the credit. He sat all smug and smiling during our conference call with the company big wigs.

I had to make an excuse and get off the call early or I think I would have blown up the whole internet with my anger.

My question: How do I get over this injustice? I feel discounted and really want to make him grovel and ask forgiveness.

Actually, I want to get him fired. That is really what I want.

I want revenge.

Signed,

Pissed off and then some

Dear PO+,

Let’s set up a strategy call. I know you have more to say and I don’t think just writing some comments here will be enough.

PO+ responded and we had a telephone session.

Here is what he learned when we talked, and he was finally able to calm down:

When stress hits the hot button and does not get resolved quickly there is always more than one area that needs to be explored.
The nature of anger and feeling discounted is both in the present situation and in the back story.
Each of us has a primary pattern that gets set off when someone pushes our buttons.
Some of us stuff it down while others shout it out.
He is the shout it out type.
All of his life he had to yell and make strong statements to be heard in his family.
He became a drama king.
He had to search inside himself to find the core reason/s why he could not let go of his anger nor find a way to resolve the present conflict with his colleague.

Here is what he did to get to the root of the fury:

He wrote in a journal about the situation to gain some perspective.
He then talked again with me about similar situations from his growing up in a highly competitive family.
He began to see the links and connections from the past to the present.
He agreed to talk (calmly) with this co-worker about what had happened without finger-pointing (not easy to do).
He learned that the drama king in him was able to take a deep breath and look beyond his desire for revenge by talking about what he felt and the disappointment he experienced without throwing the other man “under the bus.”
When they finally talked, he stayed clear and confident taking credit for his idea.
He asked questions determined to understand what the obvious snub was all about.
He received an apology (although he was never sure it was truly honest). He accepted the apology so they could move past the stalemate.
He also saw that the man who he saw as his adversary was unaccustomed to thinking things through and was more of a frightened, insecure individual rather than a strong and competent opponent.
He used what he had learned about stressful situations in a new way.

The final result: PO+ was able to be strong and resolute and resolve the situation with great leadership skills and equilibrium.

At the next staff meeting he was able to acknowledge his co-worker and say in front of the team that included the big wigs:

“I really appreciated your ideas last week for helping all of us become more engaged with less conflict. In fact, that was exactly what I said to you before we joined the zoom meeting. I’m glad you found my ideas valid and I look forward to having you help me flesh out the details to present to the entire company.”

In taking charge without the need for overt revenge, he avoided an incendiary situation.

Afterward: Months later I got another call. This time with a ‘thank you’ and an update. He had recently been promoted and the CEO of the company told him that the way he handled the “one-upmanship” situation showed he had the emotional intelligence for a higher-level job.

And the other man? He now reports to PO+. To be continued.

Best,

Sylvia

P.S. PO+ is now having his whole expanded team do the Stress Busters online program so they can all handle difficult situations with more equanimity and less frustration.

Business and Life Patterns, Stress

I Am Filled with Self-Doubt

Sylvia Lafair
December 9, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I am filled with self-doubt. I am wondering if this is just a “gal thing” or do the males of the world also worry about their abilities, about the way they come across to others?

So many I talk with (once we break the ice of superficiality) are competent executives and directors who say that deep inside they feel like a fraud, an imposter.

My question: Is this gender-related or is it specifically due to the culture we were raised in, or something else?

The second half of my question is: What can I/we do to feel more comfortable in our own skin?

Thanks,

Ms. Doubtfire

Dear Ms. Doubtfire,

Your question is a universal one.

I would say that more women are willing to talk about self-doubt and the imposter syndrome than men, However, my guess is it’s about 50-50, truth be told.

Some of my clients have been heads of large organizations and they (male and female) will eventually talk about the fear of not being good enough to really succeed in their job. Actually, many have worries about all areas of their lives.

Faced with great responsibilities, where so much is visible, there is huge concern about how they look to the world.

And no amount of make-up, high-end clothes, or college degrees can make up for that feeling of potentially letting everyone down.

“One “dumb move” and I’m done for” is the thinking behind the fear.

What I KNOW is that this feeling of self-doubt started long ago, as a wee little kid. It had to do with how we saw others.

First, the adults in our lives. They could drive cars, they knew how to get from here to there (a mystery), they could stay up late and talk and drink coffee and tie their shoes without even looking,

Then our peers began to excel, and we began to question our own abilities. They were/are more capable, more sophisticated, smarter, thinner, a better sense of humor.

We see ourselves as “flawed” while others are perfect and have no underlying issues.

Of course, this is not true.

However…..I know most of those who have self-doubt are smart and dedicated to being the best they can be.

Let’s look at you MS. Doubtfire.

I’m sure there are moments, sometimes days, and even weeks when you question your ability to get things done without draining you to utter exhaustion. There are days of worrying about what others are saying behind your back, even though you’ve done your absolute best.

Do you inhale and forget to exhale when you are challenged? Or perhaps it’s that every time you step up to take on a new task, that old familiar feeling of fear comes forward to make you step down.

If that fear of failure (or fear of success) makes you cringe and hide, the feeling of self-doubt is, for you as for most of us, a ‘FATAL FLAW’.

We know where it came from. The big question is “What to do about it.”

Think about what it would be like to start each day filled with confidence, that “yes, I can” attitude that makes you feel strong and ready to take on the world.

Think about getting so much done with that creative fire in the belly that the doubt, well, it just gets flushed down the drain.

What if you had a simple process to de-stress and reboot how you think about yourself, so your confidence is unbreakable.

Here are 3 important questions to ask yourself at least once a week and it would be great to keep a journal with your answers.

How honest have I been when talking with others?
Did I shrink away from taking tasks that would make me uncomfortable?
Who did I judge today?

These are part of a group of questions that I have put together to build your core strength and minimize self-doubt.

Now, you can begin to see other options for your day to day relating to others, and especially how you relate to yourself.

I have a great model for de-stressing the self-doubt that will push the imposter syndrome to the curb.

Once you look at the behavior patterns that have locked you into self-doubt jail, you can take a deep breath and stop worrying so much.

I think you will really get a lot out of my STRESS BUSTERS program that will help you stop doubting yourself, help you handle anger and conflict, and start enjoying the fruits of your labors without always saying “If they only knew…”

In this program, I focus on stress reduction that will help you gain a clearer perspective of how the patterns of fear and doubt can b transformed.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

P.S. Click this link to see the masterclass and then give us a call.

P.S.S. And yes, self-doubt can be transformed into self-appreciation for both women and men.

P.S.S.S. If you know anyone you think would like our newsletter here is that link too.

Growth, Managing Stress, Stress

Reflections on Uncertainty and Courage

Sylvia Lafair
November 26, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I’m not sure how to say this politely. This year has been a frigging mess.

Not just for me, for so many I know.

I’ve been lucky that no one in my immediate circle has come down with the virus. Yet, we all know someone who has a friend or colleague who has been hospitalized or worse, loss of life.

I just don’t have the energy to be happy on Thanksgiving or jolly for Christmas yet to come.

Thanksgiving is a traditional time to give gratitude and appreciate each other.

I don’t want to give thanks. I want to complain and sulk and be mad.

I am afraid of what is yet to come.

Look. I have enough food and a good position in my organization.

I’m an experienced leader and I can say all the right things.

However, I’m stuck!

I keep fighting feeling crappy and I need some encouragement to move from sad to glad.

Help, please.

Signed,

Lost in the woods

Dear LOST,

You are not alone. Almost all my clients are dealing with some form of pandemic traumatic disorder.

Here is my suggestion for Thanksgiving this year. Whether you have decided to travel to be with family, will be on a Zoom call, or just hunker down with Netflix or a game I suggest you take an hour from your day and simply be silent.

No, I’m not talking meditate.

I’m talking just stop talking for one hour on Thursday.

Here is what to do in that hour.

This year, especially, it is a time to ask, “What really matters?”

Too often, in the past, most of us would talk about what we are thankful for without giving it the thought it deserves.

Perhaps this year with all of us in a similar boat of uncertainty (even with the promise of a vaccine for Covid) the future seems cloudy and even strange.

Here are the questions to ponder in the silent realm:

How many shirts do you really need to be well dressed?

Who can you tell your deepest dreams to?

What makes you smile, laugh, sigh, sing?

What do you give willingly to others?

What will be your legacy?

Just one hour on this day of giving thanks stay in the silent zone to reassess what really matters.

As I am writing this (for myself as well as you LOST and everyone else) it made me think about a story that author Kurt Vonnegut told about his friend Joseph Heller.

Some of my favorites from Vonnegut include Cat’s Cradle and Slaughterhouse Five.

Joe Heller’s book Catch 22 was a national sensation. In fact, the title became a way for people to talk about any vicious cycle in life involving an absurd no-win contradictory choice that ends up badly.

We have just been going through a “catch 22” time in politics as well as in the pandemic.

In any case, here is a wonderful story perfect for Thanksgiving time that Kurt Vonnegut told about his friend Joe.

Kurt and Joe were at a holiday party given by a billionaire on Shelter Island New York. In Vonnegut’s words:

“I said, Joe how does it make you feel to know that our host

Only yesterday may have made more money than your novel

Catch 22 has earned in its entire history?

And Joe said, “I’ve got something he can never have.”

And I said, “What on earth could that be Joe?”

And he said, “The knowledge that I’ve got enough.”

In your time of giving thanks this year, in your time of silence, think about what is enough.

With deep caring,

Sylvia

Leadership, Patterns, Stress

Why is My Boss Acting Like a Baby?

Sylvia Lafair
November 11, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

You remember the song from “My Fair Lady” that has the following words “Why can’t a woman be more like a man” and on and on it goes about male superiority.

It really seems a bit old-fashioned these days when women are gaining strength at work, at home, everywhere.

However, I think the song could be changed to “Why are so many leaders behaving like babies” or something like that.

In my office I have a boss who pouts, sulks, stamps his feet, makes snide remarks, gives those he dislikes “pet” names, and is always on the defensive.

It’s exhausting.

I will keep this short. My question is: what can I/we do to get our boss to grow up? And I really mean it. He is such a baby that half the staff is ready to quit. And I am resisting the temptation in case there is something that can be done to turn the tide.

Thanks for any advice,

Signed,

Not a babysitter

Dear Not a Babysitter,

This year seems to bring out the worst in some people. I think the uncertainty and the fear of getting physically sick are playing roles.

However, underneath that lurks something much more substantial.

It has to do with the fear of failure and at the core of very poor workplace behavior is the emotional system that may not have ever been addressed.

Your boss, like many in the workplace, sounds like he has never really become self- aware.

When I started as an executive coach several decades ago, doing “inner work” was joked about or frowned upon.

It did not, so many said, belong in the workplace. It was considered therapy, and therapy was only for people who were in deep distress.

Not true then and absolutely still not true.

The times, they are changing, thank goodness.

Leaders and emerging leaders do better when they are aware of both what pushes their buttons and how their behavior impacts others.

Now, let’s look specifically at your boss.

Since I don’t have a detailed understanding of him I will touch lightly on what I think is causing him to call people names, makes snide remarks, etc.

Somewhere as he was growing up, he learned that to side-step difficult discussions made him safe. And he got away with it.

He also learned that if he created a diversion, like yelling, or sulking he would no longer have to be accountable for what was not working in his younger life, and now he continues this behavior in business.

It happens all the time.

However, it is also how a business can tank.

Here are the signs that your boss is causing so many of your colleagues to consider leaving.

Increased absenteeism
Reduced productivity
Human resource complaints
Excessive drama
Disregard for the facts
Rigid camps for/against the boss
Possibility of violence (verbal/physical fights)

The big question is: “What can I do?”

The big answer is: Take the risk to tell your boss what you see happening.

‘What,” you ask “Are the consequences of telling the truth to power?”

You may leave your job because you cannot be heard or you may become the hero to help your boss begin the journey to self-awareness and once again, love your job.

Either way, you win.

No, I’m not nuts.

If you lose your job for taking a stand against a child-boss, you will be better off elsewhere.

If your boss hears you and decides to get some executive coaching, he will remember your courage and who knows what kind of promotion is ahead.

I say, take the risk.

Before you talk with him, I suggest you look through either my book “Don’t Bring It To Work” (it’s won a bunch of awards) or if you like, I will send you a copy of my short e-book “79 Power Sentences” to give you an idea of what you can say when you talk to “the little guy.”

Let me know what happens.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

P.S. You may also need my Stress Busters program that will be launched next week. Give a holler if you want to join.

Stress

Ugh… I am GRINDING my teeth.

Sylvia Lafair
November 5, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

Here’s a crazy one. I was walking with a plate of cookies (anything to diminish the stress of this chaotic time) and I tripped.

I must admit, I would have eaten the whole plate of cookies while watching the election results, or rather the inconclusive election results.

In any case, tripping is common and really no big deal, right?

Happens to everyone at some point.

However, as I tripped the plate hit my tooth, and damn, it broke.

Not the plate, my front tooth!

So off I went to my dentist to get it handled and he asked me if I have been grinding my teeth when I sleep.

I have no idea what I do when I sleep, cause, duh, I’m asleep.

However, I now need a night guard for my teeth and the dentist told me I must learn to stop clenching and grinding. He said that the stress I am feeling is becoming way too common these days and at least I’m in a very large category of the general population.

I know you are discussing a lot about how to handle stress more effectively so please, I need help.

Oh, by the way, it’s impacting my relationships with my colleagues (I am annoyed when they ask too many questions and I’m pretty short with them).

And one more, oh, by the way, my teenage kids are also showing signs of stress by chewing too much gum and grabbing for anything they can find that is filled with sugar.

And my wife, that’s for a whole other day!!!

Thanks for some advice.

Signed,

Enough Already

Dear EA,

Sorry about your broken tooth although glad it led you to get a nightguard.

Between pandemic and politics, it seems everyone is like a cat on a hot tin roof. We are all feeling unsafe and unsure.

While most of us are still working from home and are not sitting in rush hour traffic clenching our fists and snarling at drivers who cut in front of us, most of us are, in fact, gnashing and grinding our teeth that leads to headaches, jaw pain, and that awful feeling of uncertainty.

I decided to pivot from my traditional work with leadership development and executive coaching to put together a program to master stress, or at least, find some ways to get through the day with less stress.

I’ve started a fun way of handling stress called The Sanity Challenge that you can do for free. Go here to sign up.

It’s great for you to do with your whole family, even the teens are getting into this.

Anything to get rid of the old stress monsters, right.

And once you finish The Sanity Challenge you will have some excellent ways to relax before you sleep and before you eat.

Time to limit the collateral damage from feeling at the mercy of these times when we, none of us, know when the pandemic will end or politics will stop being front and center in our lives and when we can get back to normal life.

Just one tip right now. Before you go to sleep listen to some calming music, especially sounds from nature like gentle rain, waves coming to shore or the sounds of birds. Do this for about twenty minutes before you close your eyes and hopefully, that will help.

One more, get some lavender essential oil and put it on your pillow (no it’s not just for women, it’s good for everyone).

The one thing about today’s stress is it is as infectious as the virus yet, and it’s good to be proactive to feel better so you don’t need a whole new set of teeth!

To your success,

Sylvia

P.S. I have put together an online program that will help you understand and know what to do about the 4 types of stress that need to be tamed. You can check out The Stress Busters Program here.

Business, Stress

A Bandaid on a Broken Arm

Sylvia Lafair
October 28, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

Well, it finally happened! And it has been awful, horrible, and over the top frustrating.

My whole leadership team requested a Zoom conference call and said they were ready to walk out, quit, leave, go away, and never come back.

I felt like I had been hit by a huge truck or even worse.

No one, and I mean no one, gave me a heads up or a tap on the shoulder to say “Beware.”

They had as their spokesperson, as fate would have it, the individual who is the biggest rabble-rouser, the one who never keeps their mouth shut, and always wants to stir up trouble.

I will keep what I write in the third person since it is not at all about gender or race. It’s about my leadership (or lack thereof) and what I should do.

I need help FAST!

They had a grievance about the workload and said it was impossible to complete all the demands. They said it made no sense to be planning for the next five years when they have no idea what the next five months will hold.

They nodded their heads and grumbled as their rebel leader read the list of upsets.

I must admit, after they left and I sat and stared at the autumn leaves falling from the tree outside of my home office, I thought maybe I just don’t have the smarts or the energy to lead.

I kept pushing them to do more, to be more, to create more.

I thought that would keep them from letting the fear of lower sales and a dreadful distribution cycle keep them upbeat and happy.

Was I ever wrong!

Okay, enough of my victim response.

What advice do you have?

Please get it to me fast.

Thanks,

Miserable

Dear Miserable,

You are not alone. Now, I know that is like putting a band-aid on a broken arm.

However, it’s true.

So many leaders are busy pumping up the troops by planning beyond this complex and uncertain time.

On one level, this is good.

However, on another, it’s missing the human elements of the present moments.

Here are some thoughts just for you as you sort out what can be done now, what needs to be included regarding the future, and how to maintain your own personal mental and physical health right here and right now.

When you lead under pressure the first thing I advise is:

Keep your expectations real: Don’t let your fear rule. Be like a Buddhist Monk and live in the present moment. Stay focused on what is right in front of you. This is not a time for a five- year plan or even a three- year plan. Think about how to make sure your staff has the resources to get through today and tomorrow and the next day.
Rethink your “why”: Are you in business to make money (of course you are). However, this is not a time to prove to the world how much you can put in the bank. Just make sure you can pay your employees and not have to furlough or lay off people. Stay in the zone of today. I believe your “why” could be more about helping those who work with you feel as much psychological safety as possible. Remember, during these days everyone is getting indigestion or insomnia so don’t add to this.
Pivot and breathe: When you meet with your staff ask for suggestions that may not be part of your traditional business plan. Have a meeting and do some good, old-fashioned brainstorming. You never know who will say “Hey, here’s another way to look at what is going on that may just, make a big positive difference. Don’t tell, ask, and…..include!
Keep priorities short and yes, simple: You need to have a list of maybe four or five key areas to look at that are achievable now. Your team needs to have some wins that will keep them from burning out or from burning up.

I suggest you call another ZOOM meeting and thank them for their courage to speak out. Let them know the way they did it was tough on you. Also, let them know they were heard.

They came to you to let you know they are exhausted more than they are disgusted. If they were that disgusted, you would have heard from HR or lawyers about a hostile work setting.

PLEASE, look at the great work of Amy Edmondson at Harvard Business School about psychological safety and spend some time with your team discussing this.

Also, please consider reading especially the very last chapter of my book “Don’t Bring It to Work” about how a team can transform conflict into working together.

Stay strong and you will come out of this with some great learning about yourself, others, and the real meaning of resilience.

To your success,

Sylvia

Stress

3 Mental Strength Training Exercises to Help You Leap From Overwhelm to Energized

Sylvia Lafair
October 15, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

Every time I think of getting ready for the holidays, you know, the Thanksgiving/Christmas Push I start to feel a mixture of happy and frustrated.

Top that off with looming lousy fourth-quarter earnings (definitely frustrated) and I just want to find a friendly rock to climb under till, well, maybe till next spring.

I know you started a Stress Mastery Facebook group and I will join that. What can I do to keep a positive attitude?

Just so you know, I’m known as a strong male leader who, until now, could show my reports the best way to solve problems and move on.

I’ve run out of methods to make change happen.

Some days I feel like a fraud, you know, the typical imposter syndrome.

Suggestions, please.

Signed,

Need a Break

Dear NAB,

Every day seems to hold another challenge for all of us. I’ll cut to the chase and give you three ways to look at today’s constant stress and how to stay strong as a leader.

Grab a pen and track your behavior: Keep track for 3 days (yes, you can do it). Keep track of the times when you say to yourself “I messed up again, I disappointed them again, I don’t know what I’m doing.” Do this like a list. One “mess up” per line.

Write it to Right It: After Day 3 take the list and “write it to right it!” Now, make a short paragraph (maybe around four sentences) about what you did and why you think it was such a bummer to you and to others. Don’t edit, just write.

Talk to Yourself So You’ll Really Listen: Pick the top three issues and do a redo. You only need three examples of how you become overwhelmed and begin to doubt yourself to turn things around. Here you may need an on-line thesaurus to give you fresh words to see what you did from a new perspective.

Here’s an example from one of my coaching clients. He, like you, is a strong and competent executive in a mid-size company. He. Like you, is beginning to think he is not good enough to lead his team through these uncharted times. He, like you, wants to do better.

In his own words:

For those of you who need more science, I’m adding some research that will get you past overwhelm and the imposter syndrome. In the field of psychology, the Dunning-Kruger effect is a cognitive bias in which people with low ability overestimate their ability and those with high ability underestimate their own competence.

Without the self-awareness of “metacognition,” people cannot objectively evaluate their own competence or incompetence.

The above exercise along with the Stress Busters 4-Module online program will help you become “meta-cool and self-aware” so you can stay calm and energized and move from chaotic thinking to being calm, cool, and collected.

To your success,

Sylvia

P.S. If you need an objective perspective contact me and one of our coaches is available for a free strategy call.

diversity, Growth, Patterns, Stress

I Can’t Take Anymore Surprises…

Sylvia Lafair
September 23, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Each day I think to myself “I can’t take any more surprises. I can’t take any more whining. I can’t take anymore bungled messes.”

And then something else happens.

I went into a deep depression after the news of Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s passing hit the world.
Look, I didn’t know her, and my daily life as I live it was not impacted. So, why was I so upset. I couldn’t really do much of worth for the next few days.

I felt like I lost a grandmother or a loved aunt.

I know, I know, she was an icon for women’s rights, for equality for all of us.

However, this is about what I need to do to not become a mess of rubble as each day offers another surprise or challenge.
Question: How do I/we stay sane in this very tense, strange world of today?

Signed,
Going to pop!!

Dear GTP,

Don’t! I mean hang in there. We are all being tested to see how strong we are. You may have heard the saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt:

“We are like teabags. You never know how strong we are

until we are put in hot water.”

I have been spending my time finding all the overt and subtle ways to de-stress during these stressful days.

Let me be your change cheerleader for a few minutes.

Smile even when you feel like crap: As you become more tense take a few deep breaths (I know, I know, that’s not enough). After the breaths smile, either putting your lips in an upward arc or smile internally. The smile actually stimulates a release of endorphins to counteract stress hormones and strengthens your immune system.
Beyond smiling, go for a belly laugh: Make sure your belly “jiggles” (easy for some and not so for others… do it anyway). Belly laughs enhance oxygen intake to stimulate the heart, lungs, and muscles. Here’s a joke to get you laughing:

“Did you know there’s a new restaurant in town?

It’s called KARMA. No menu. You get what you

deserve!”

Hope that helped. However, if not go to YouTube and watch some funny bits. Even if you feel lousy, give yourself a few minutes to laugh. That’s how Norman Cousins, MD, helped himself after a dreaded diagnosis. He writes about it in his book “An Anatomy Of An Illness.” Also, now we have ‘laughter yoga’ so, instead of flexing to do the downward dog go for laughter.

Walk barefoot in a park: Do this on a sunny day. Feel the softness on the soles of your feet and also get a good dose of vitamin D (known as the sunshine vitamin) to keep your bones healthy as well as strengthening and stretching the muscles, tendons and ligaments in your feet.
Do the 7-day SANITY CHALLENGE: I have put together some easy and creative ways to keep your stress down and sanity up. The next challenge will start on October 1 and yes, there will be prizes.

We cannot know from day to day what will be put on our very full plates. It’s a time to help each other not just cope, it’s time to help each other grow and learn more effective ways of responding to well…… everything!

Smile, laugh, walk barefoot, and stay sane. You can do it. We all can do it. And reach out to touch someone (virtually that is) so we can all get through this together.

And whenever you feel down, just think about the power of that diminutive lady, Ruth Bader Ginsburg who overcame challenge after challenge in her life and made all of our lives better.

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns, Stress

Romancing the Bullies

Sylvia Lafair
September 16, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

Help me understand. My boss is driving me crazy I want to help and be a great colleague, however, what he is doing makes no sense.

He ignores those who want to help him, to be a resource, and make our company great again.

However, he ignores them, and instead he ‘romances’ those who are the biggest bullies and I know, will take advantage when the time to strike is right.

I think we may end up losing our best employees and end up bankrupt.

All I can tell you is that he sings the praises of the jerks and ignores everyone else.

Thoughts?

Concerned

Job concern

Dear Concerned,

You should be! You see your boss is still ‘looking for love in all the wrong places.’

I think all leadership development programs should have an entire module on helping leaders become self-aware.

And that means they should learn to observe their own behavior (not just that of those who report to them) and understand why they choose to do what they do, so they can make better decisions.

I was just reading about a rather famous person who ended up creating a great deal of havoc because he never came to grips with his childhood anger at his father.

It sounds like your boss may be in the same situation.

When you have a father, who is only interested in performance, and you are the dedicated sibling to be the performer you know how to act.

So, you can continue what is familiar.

You end up finding a mentor who is stronger and more competent than you (just like your dad).

And then you do whatever you can to gain their favor, just like you did as a kid.

The hope is that you will finally be the shining light and win the long sought after approval.

I hope this makes sense.

In any case, the question is “what can YOU do?”

You are, as they say, ‘between a rock and a hard place.’

And yet, you need to do something, whether it helps or not is to be decided in the future.

I suggest you have a talk with your boss and begin to add some personal info about you.

During the conversation, you can bring up something about your own relationship with your father and then ask him about how his relationship was.

People often love to talk about themselves and he may just give you enough room to say something like…. “Have you noticed how much (name) your mentor is like your dad.

That may be enough for your boss to think in a new way.

At that point, you need to bow out. Do not become his coach or therapist. Instead, simply suggest he go that route and talk with someone who can guide him to see how he is still coveting recognition from his dad.

This is a BIG issue and I suggest you and he read Don’t Bring It to Work for a detailed way to work with old patterns that show up in present times.

I hope this helps.

And, by the way, I would love you to join my 7 Day Sanity Challenge. You can join at any time in the next few days!

To your success,

Sylvia

Change, Stress

A Tsunami of Thoughts

Sylvia Lafair
September 9, 2020

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

How does it happen? I already know your answer. I’m still going to ask. How does it happen?

I live in Denver Colorado.

Did you know we are having binge weather? It’s like too much one day and then not enough the next.

It’s making me crazy to go from a rocky mountain high of 88 degrees and the next day to a high of 37 degrees and snow.

It’s not normal.

Nothing is normal.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I expect you will say something about climate change and that we all must do our part.

It’s not enough for me right now.

And I know you live in the Bay Area and I wonder how the smoke, fires, and heat are for you?

In any case, my real question is “What do I do with all the conflicting emotions I am having about work, the kids, my wife, my clients, the election, the virus… all of it.”

I really need a dose of healthy advice.

Please help,

Bothered and Bewildered

Dear Bothered and Bewildered,

You are not alone. It sounds like so many of us, not sure which way to turn.

Remember when you read Don’t Bring It To Work and you began to get some clarity about how patterns repeat and repeat unless you tackle them by making the choice for change?

I know that right now the self-doubt in your head is like a tsunami of negative thoughts saying over and over you really don’t know what you’re doing.

I know that all the worries about climate, health, wealth, security, violence, schooling, all of it is too much to think about.

However, as leaders and parents we can’t just pull the covers over our heads. We must be examples of the next steps, even if we don’t want to do anything at all.

Choose to be a positive leader.

Leadership means taking all those conflicting emotions and making some specific and real choices, right here and right now.

Since you are in Colorado, I want to talk about weeds. No, not weed, about weeds.

My advice is “Don’t Feed the Weed.”

Stay with me and smile a bit.

Think about a garden. When you pull weeds from a garden and they are still small, they are super easy to get out of the ground.

Feed the weeds and they will grow deep roots.

Then you must tug and tug and tug to get them out.

Today, just do ONE THING, that’s it, ONE THING to get the weeds out of your garden.

I’m talking about the garden of your mind and emotions.

If you give in to the emotions of fear and hopelessness you will stay stuck.

Ya gotta move! Do something.

And just for you, for all of us, I’m starting a SANITY CHALLENGE.

It’s a 10-day challenge to do something each day to stay sane.

I know you can’t wish the fires away, the crazy roller coaster weather, the tension about race relations, the arguments about masks or no masks.

Yet, you can do something. Actually a few somethings.

I have found that if you chunk down the overwhelm you can handle it.

Here is one idea for starters and then sign up for the Sanity Challenge.

We all need to help each other stay strong. Here is one suggestion:

Shrug It Off

Bring your shoulders to your ears and then let them drop. Do this rapidly. Do at least 10 times in a row.

Inhale while you raise your shoulders and exhale when you lower them. And say to yourself “This too shall pass.”

Then go give your family hugs, for no reason, just because.

I think you will find the Sanity Challenge helpful and calming. And remember that the only way to let go of the old patterns from repeating is to, like the weeds, stop watering them.

See you at the challenge.

To your success,

Sylvia

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