Stress Archives | Page 3 of 4

5 Tips to Handle Stress in Times of Distress

Sylvia Lafair
April 29, 2020

I get a lot of questions all the time asking me how to handle stress in times of distress so I felt it was important to address this and share 5 tips that will get you out of stress zone.

How do you handle those awful moments when you are boiling inside and yet, smiling on the outside?

How long can you keep the fake smile on your face without handling the stress that is eating at you?

Will it end up causing you physical harm, like upping your blood pressure? Or sending you diving into that gooey chocolate cake sitting in the kitchen? Or yelling at your neighbor for parking too close to your driveway?

The following story is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent:

Dottie was furious with her boss for constantly calling her on Friday afternoons, that is every Friday afternoon, to pour on extra work she would need to get done over the weekend.

She never spoke up directly. Instead, she would chomp down some chocolate and take a walk. Then she would count backwards from 100 to calm down.

Finally, she would visualize her boss as an angel and tell him it was too much work, and this fictitious angel boss would smile and say not to worry and get it done when she could.

However, the resentment kept building, and no amount of chocolate, counting, or visualizing really made a difference.

That was until that fateful team meeting.

She was sitting about two people away from ‘the ogre’ at dinner and when he said “Dottie, will you please pass the butter” she had hit her boiling point and watched these words pour from her mouth “Here, take the damn butter and by the way, I think you are an overbearing jerk and I hope you choke on your food.”

Moral of the story: Ignoring upset will cost you sooner or later.

The best way to handle the mad is to face it and not brush it under the rug.

Here are some techniques that will help you handle stress when it is over the top high that will keep you true to yourself, let you be heard, and yet not cause a major rift.

Stop: Take a deep in-breath and blow it out like you are blowing out candles on a cake. This will help you recalibrate, handle stress, and decide the next step.
Detach: Notice where the anger and stress reside in your body. Just observing this will help you calm down
Vent: Find someone you trust and use your most creative language to let the mad out. No one to talk with at the moment? Talk to yourself and let it rip. Ride the upset like a wave destined to soon come to shore and you’ll handle the stress like a pro.
Visualize: See the other person as a little kid looking out the window with no one to play with. Often the one who makes too many demands or makes you feel like crap is really a frightened child inside. This makes it less intimidating when you are ready to tell your truth.
Restructure: Change the negative thoughts of revenge and disappointment to the positive of “I can handle stress successfully.”

I think that how we handle stress is one of the most vital areas for relationship success, whether with work colleagues or family members.

I’m launching my new masterclass “How to Stay in The Safe Stress Zone During Tough Times” and learn to take charge of how you respond this week and will be making a special announcement with details on how you can view it.

And, by the way, in case you wondered, yes, Dottie was fired and had a devil of a time getting a new job.

Conflict Resolutions, Managing Stress, Stress

How to Create Psychological Safety for Those Around You in Turbulent Times

Sylvia Lafair
April 23, 2020
Amy Edmondson, handle stress, psychological safety, Sylvia Lafair, turbulent times

Hi everybody!

Sylvia Lafair here, with some tips for leaders in times of stress. Think about leaders you’ve known in your life that you have felt you could follow anywhere or those who looked at and said, “I’m out of here.”

There’s a big difference and what happens is, as leaders we need to practice, practice leadership all the time. So, when the tough time comes, we’re ready for it. It’s no different than learning how to play a guitar or a piano. It’s no different than getting ready for a marathon. We need to practice before the time comes when in our face, we have to handle things and people are looking at us saying, “What is he or she going to do to make a difference here?”

So, I’d like to talk first about the idea of psychological safety that was developed by Amy Edmondson, who is a professor in the Harvard Business School, professor of leadership who came up with this idea several years ago, and it really is starting to take hold. We go into offices and they’re all the signs saying, “This is a safe place we have. We have floors you can’t slip and slide on and we make sure boxes won’t fall in your head.” Well, it’s really the same with psychological safety. We need to create some posts, some guards, so that when things happen, we’re there and we’re there to say to people who are following us, “No, no, don’t go over there. You could slip and slide and fall down there.” That’s our job. That’s what we have signed up for.

So, how do you develop the emotional muscles that are needed? You practice, practice and practice, and one of the things you can do is look at the research about language and communication. So, I’m going to give you one quick tip today. This one’s interesting. There was a study done with college students. So, I want you to picture this, they’re standing in two lines, and they’re two doors, and they have to go into a room and do something. I’ll tell you what this something is in a minute, and then there’s a back door and they go out, and then they all congregate together in the back area. A kind of a green outside area, and when they go in, one group is they’re being given some iced tea. So, in one group they’re pouring the iced tea, and they have glasses here, and they say, “We’d like to pour this iced tea to make it half so that the glass will be half-full, got that?” The other group going in there saying, “We’re pouring the iced tea so that the glass is half-empty.” That’s all that was said. They drink their iced tea and off they go, and there outside milling around, and then they come out with pitchers and glasses, and they start to ask people who would like more iced tea. Then they did the research. What they found was, and I’ll bet some of you have guessed this, that the ones who were in the group where they said, they were pouring the iced tea into glasses that were half empty were thirstier than the ones who came out of the room where they said the glass is half-full.

So, what do you learn from that? In the mindset, we have the ability to help people see things from either a negative or a not good enough place or a more positive place, and it’s not about faking happy. Happy as everybody, happy all the time. I’m not talking about being a denier or ignoring situations. I’m talking about how do we help people, stay in that place where they feel good enough to get something done psychological safety.

So, think about it when you’re talking to people. Talk in the half-full glass rather than the half-empty glass. People will have less needs when that’s done.

Take that as a tip. I’m working on a book called ‘Stress Busters’ that hopefully I’ll have out soon and let you know about it, so that there will be a ton of tips. There’ll be things about music, which I talked about a few times ago. There will be things about exercises. There will be things about communication, which is for me, one of the most important places to help people feel safe.

So, I’d also like to just show you my beautiful rose, that the roses outside are blooming. We’re in Northern California and the weather is still bit chilled, but these roses, they’re kind of coming out to say, “And this too shall pass,” and so, I just brought it in because it’s so beautiful, and every time I look at it, I think life has a beauty to it, that we just have to pay attention to.

Have a wonderful day!

And if you have other words or thoughts or comments, please put them under here, so we can all help each other. Remember, we’re all in it together and our philosophy is, ‘No one wins unless we all do.’ Maybe that’s the direction we’re heading toward right now.

Thank you so much and here’s to your success.

Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Managing Stress, Stress, Success

Who decides when enough is enough?

Sylvia Lafair
April 22, 2020

How many of you have said, “enough is enough?” And how many of you find that while you demand that the upset stop, it just keeps going on and on.

QUESTION: Who decides when enough is enough?

ANSWER: It depends on the circumstances.

What an annoying, non-answer.

Well, it does depend on the circumstances.

EXAMPLE: Your direct report is behaving badly in a meeting. He is slyly looking at his phone which is strategically positioning under the table. While his voice is silent, his eyes are going from squinting to total OMG rolling around to let you know he thinks your idea sucks. (Or so you think he thinks this).

You say to yourself “enough is enough.”

And you call for a short break. You call the rolling eyes guy into a corner and ask him what his problem is (all the while thinking you should fire the jerk).

He apologizes.

Says he has too many things on his mind, especially a sick child who is waiting for him to get to the elementary school to take her home. His wife, he explains, is out of town at a leadership meeting from her company and he is the designated parent for the rest of the week.

He looks sullen as he utters your phrase “Hell, this week is hell. When is enough enough?”

Okay. How do you respond to him?

That was the context of my coaching session with a senior VP from a company that had to furlough everyone except for the few senior leaders at the above meeting.

Here was my suggestion:

At the next meeting, you really need some time to take the “emotional temperature” in the room.

“How do I do that?” I was asked.

By a process, we call “Getting Current.”

It’s especially important during times of group stress.

Although it works for all companies at all meetings all year long.

Here’s how it works. Best for smaller groups (up to about 20).

You start the meeting with a minute of silence. Yes, a minute. You know, 60 seconds. Every meeting can give that much time for a little bit of quiet.

No rules about eyes open or closed.

Just mouths shut and phones off.

Then each person has a few minutes to say how they are feeling (the good “F” word).

No pressure. No deep explanations. Just a short bit about what is going on personally as well as professionally.

Here is a short excerpt from my book, Don’t Bring It To Work

“Meetings are often called the ‘black hole” in the business day. Most meetings are agenda-driven and stay with the linear left side of the brain, often excluding the intuitive right side. Yet, it is the combination of the two that sets off creative sparks and bonds teams together.”

Start the meeting by letting each person room to say something about how they are doing. Monitor it. No long paragraphs, no cross-talk, no saving someone, or giving advice. Just listening. And then the next person talks.

Also, important that it is not in a straight line or “straight circle” if at a conference table.

Someone talks and then someone, maybe on the other side of the table picks up the thread and says whatever they want to say.

Keep going till everyone has a chance to express themselves.

It clears the air.

I promise you; the meeting will move faster with more positive results.

In a group of 20, this would take maybe 15 minutes.

Example from the “designated parent” above.

If he had the chance simply to say he was worried about his ill daughter and would have to leave after the meeting to pick her up and was feeling the pressure of being the solo parent.

Just that would be enough.

How long did that take? Maybe 30 seconds if he spoke slowly. A minute if he needed to say he was frustrated and wished his wife could get back sooner.

He would be more present in the meeting and the “enough is enough” mentality would have been put to rest.

Give it a shot.

We have taught this process to large organizations, family firms, and startups.

It works.

There is a great deal about team collaboration in my book Don’t Bring It To Work. Get a copy HERE and contact me for more information.

To your success,

-Sylvia

Conflict Resolutions, Managing Stress, Stress

How I Learned to Handle Conflict

Sylvia Lafair
April 20, 2020
conflict resolution, Conflict Resolutions, handle conflict, Stress, stress management

Hi everybody!

I decided to just do one extra something today, since I had a little extra time. I was on an interview this morning and they were asking about the patterns and conflict, and how I learned to handle conflict, and so I decided just to share this with you because it’s kind of fun and interesting. Embarrassing too, but what the heck?

So, as I grew up I have an older brother who is king of the hill, and I was just the cute little girl. So, if I ever wanted attention, I would have a hissy fit and I learned how to do academy-award hissy fits. So, that got really deeply into my nervous system. You want attention? Make a lot of noise. You want attention? Yell, cry, scream, stamp your feet, do whatever… Okay?

Now, I grow up and I’m a businesswoman, and this is now years ago. So, at least I have a little bit of room to say, I have improved. Hopefully, I have and what would happen was, we’d be in the meeting and somebody would say something, and I get upset and you guessed it. I’d have a hissy fit, and I would stamp my hand on the table. I would shake my head till it looked like it was falling off. I would roll my eyes. I was not good and I saw people over there saying, “Oh my God! There she goes again.” Okay. So, one day was where it got me, I had a meeting in the morning and during that time, Sylvia had her drama queen hissy fit. Later in the afternoon, different group of people, different organization, certainly a different meeting, similar Sylvia. I had another hissy fit, and as we walked out somebody said, “Oh my! Do you really have to be that dramatic with what you do? And I remember thinking, oh, what does she know? What does he know? What do they know? I get what I want because I make a lot of noise, which is what happened when I was a kid.

Anyway, go home and the third time they say is the charm. So, pay attention to threes and what happened was, my daughters were in college at the time and one of my daughters called, and she was telling me something that you know, kind of was annoying me, and I went, “Oh, I don’t believe this and blah, blah, blah,” and my daughter said, “Mom, when you get into that drama queen place, there’s no talking to you. So, I love you and I’m going to hang out.” And she she hung up the phone. Yay! Julie and I thought they’re looking at the phone, thinking not nice thoughts but then I went three times in one day. I better pay attention. So, I started then, that was observing and I used my out technique, and I went down to understand where it came from, and it was like my brother was taking up all the air in the room, cuz he was so wonderful and marvelous and brilliant and all that stuff, and the only way I could get attention was being noisy.

Okay, so then I had to figure out what do you do to transform it, and this is where the work that we’ve done over the years, has been the most exciting because there are 13 patterns, and they all can be transformed. That’s what’s exciting, and I finally figured out that the drama queen or king has the ability to become a great storyteller, because you like the adrenaline you’re used to the adrenaline. I kind of liked it. One, I now… that I’ve learned how to become a good storyteller. I use it that way.

Now, here’s the difference. The difference is the storyteller has purpose. It’s going to an end, that has a positive outcome. It’s not just spewing around and making a lot of noise for no reason. So, the transformation is possible, and during these times of stress.

I love you to write down at the bottom of the video any thought you have about how you’ve been working to transform the stress and love to hear from you. I’m going to have a very short masterclass for you to look at about stress, and then there’ll be a program where we can really dig down into the stress that happens with coaching that will be involved,

So, thanks so much. Have a beautiful rest of the day, and let’s keep helping each other get through this complicated time, okay?

Business, Managing Stress, Stress

What’s Your Current Stress Level?

Sylvia Lafair
April 15, 2020
managing stress, Stress

How stressed are you? On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being “I can’t take much more” to 1 being, “Huh, what is there to be stressed about?”

Just remember that extremes are never sustainable.

Where you want to be is between 4-6 which I have labeled “The SAFE STRESS ZONE.”

Here is how I developed ways to stay in “the zone.”

It’s mental, emotional and yes, even physical.

Research shows that while stress is nothing new, it takes on a whole new meaning during tough times.

You hear it all the time. People are talking about burnout, exhaustion, tension, and overload.

The talk today is sadly in disclaimer language, you know, like “That’s not my job.” Or “I didn’t sign up for this.” Or “I need more help and I’m not getting it.”

Are you overdosing on pleasing others? Frustrated that you can’t get done what you planned this morning? Angry that your pet projects are now on hold?

You’re not alone — stress is of pandemic proportions these days.

Not a meditator? Get annoyed with those who beg you to practice yoga even though you would rather life weights at the gym? Find yourself filling the discomfort with comfort foods?

Unless you want to go and meditate on the top of a mountain all by yourself (actually doesn’t sound so bad now, does it)?

The old way of handling stress is to look for someone to blame. The old way is to say those around you aren’t helpful. The old way is to either shout out your upset or stuff it down.

The new way is to adapt.

The new way is to adjust.

If you can’t ignore the rate of change or the amount of responsibilities on your plate, you have one other option.

You can change the way you handle stress, frustrations, and fears differently.

Ya, Ya, you’ve heard that before.

Of course, you have.

Just stay with me for a moment.

I’m going to give you the cheat sheet version of what has been taught in our leadership programs for years.

ZEN IT: Easy to say, hard to do. Practice staying in the moment. Do what is in front of you without wasting energy blaming others. No pity parties, please.

EXPLORE IT: Take time to learn what is new. Read (may I suggest my book Don’t bring It to Work), take an on-line course, get on the phone or Zoom and talk with those who have blazed the trails before you.

COMMIT TO IT: Decide that you have a great deal to give and then, don’t hold back. Give your best no matter what others are doing. Give without secretly only doing things to get rewards. Just do it.

REACH FOR IT: Stretch yourself by taking on new and challenging projects. I promise you will find that you are both able to be amazingly flexible and expandable at the same time.

LAUGH AT IT: Stress can’t stand you having fun, smiling, and laughing. Laughter changes your physiology as well as your psychology. Take a five–minute break every so often, find something on-line that makes you belly laugh and send it to a friend.

We all learned behavior patterns for handling stress from our families when we were kids. The world, we would all agree, is changing rapidly and it is time to find as many new ways to prevent stress from kicking us down as possible.

No more what-ifs or if-onlys.

Take time now to practice safe stress and help make the world a better place.

My new mini-course on safe stress is almost ready so please watch the masterclass to get some good ideas and then sign up. You and those you care about will be glad you did.

To your success,

Sylvia

Coaching, Managing Stress, Stress

How to Use the Best Type of Music to De-Stress

Sylvia Lafair
April 14, 2020
best types of music to de-stress, coping with stress, covid-19, de-stress, de-stress with music, handle stress, how to manage stress, pandemic

Hi everyone!

Sylvia Lafair here, and I’m here to talk about another way to work with stress during these times, and I have taught this to so many leaders over the years, and they’ve used it before meetings. They’ve used it when they take a break from meetings. They’ve used it when you go home from a meeting.

So, let me tell you, what the secret is.

Okay, first let me ask a question. During these times, have you’ve been scrolling on Facebook? What stops you to listen for me. It’s music, music, and it’s been so heartwarming to see musicians from all over the country. All over the world playing beautiful pieces together or singing together, and music is along with mathematics, the universal language that we all share.

So, let’s look at music now. I thought about this and I thought about my dear friend, Don Campbell. Here’s his book if you’d like to get it. He passed on about eight years ago and he was a wonderful friend and a brilliant person who was a great musician, and also taught so much about music. The title of his book if you just looked at it was, “The Mozart Effect.”

So, you have a clue of where I’m heading with this, but let me just tell you, I was looking through this and we worked and studied with d’enfer. My goodness! It must have been ten years, and it was so interesting. When you talk about this as the universal language and here are just a few things I’d like to share with you, but I think it’s so interesting in monasteries. In Brittany monks, they play music to the animals in their care, and have found the cows serenaded with Mozart. Give more milk, just saying. Okay.

Another one I thought was so interesting comes out of Nagoya Japan, where there is a company that bakes bread and they play. It’s called, “Beethoven Bread,” and they play Beethoven’s Symphony. Number six for 72 hours as the bread is rising and apparently people love going there and getting that wonderful, wonderful bread. It’s filled with something else. “The Sound of Music,” I guess, and another one is in Edmonton Canada. This is interesting. Mozart is piped into the city square or it used to be any way to calm pedestrian traffic, and as a result, drug dealings have lessened. Just saying.

So, there are other ways besides just listening and enjoying it, but it’s very interesting.

Now, let me tell you. In my leadership programs, we use a lot of music, and we have people. Nobody’s singing. We’re not testing that but we’re listening, and I’m always noticing how people do, and something calms down in the room after music. So, years ago we started researching with groups that we went into, and we would start the meeting with some quiet music in the background, and then we would pet play something whatever was of the moment.

Right now, the magic of love is wonderful with Pavarotti and Lionel Richie. So, go on YouTube and see if you can find it. We have had people listen to it in our leadership program, and then take it back to their workplace, and it does make a difference.

So, here’s the key to what I’d like you to do. It’s really about going into uncharted territory. Music is a universal language, and if you don’t like classical music, pick jazz, pick hip-hop if you want, but I’m really suggesting Mozart or Beethoven or BA and take something. You can get it on YouTube and listen for 10 minutes that’s all eyes closed in a room, door closed if possible, and listen. Just listen, and when you finish, get a piece of paper and a pen, and not the computer. Paper and pen, and write down your thoughts just you’ve minutes worth. Put it aside later in the day.

Listen to the same music for 10 minutes, and then write down your thoughts, and compare where you are, and where you work, and just begin to track how music during the day makes a difference. Think about music as a healing force for you during this time, and it’s also a very important leadership tool to use. We’ve used it over and over and over again, and we’ve noticed, when we don’t use it, people don’t open up heartwise as much in their teams, and with their colleagues.

So, we use music a lot. Please consider it and Don Campbell’s book, “The Mozart Effect” is filled with amazing things.

Have a wonderful day. Comments, I’d love you to put some comments down here about your thoughts about music and how you use it, and I’d love you to, if you think this is worthwhile to just share it or click alike, and to be continued.

Have a wonderful rest of the day. Thanks.

Leadership, Managing Stress, Stress

Handle Stress Under Pressure

Sylvia Lafair
April 8, 2020
handling stress, Stress, stress under pressure

Hi everybody!

So, gala fair here, and I have a few tips about handling stress. Every call I get, every email I get, every text I get has something about stress, overwhelmed stress. How to handle stress, hating stress and then I’ll ask this question, are you in distress or you stress? And they think of not. What in heaven’s name is your stress? Whether your stress is actually a good word, and your stress is I’m going to tell the exact definition is moderate or normal psychological stress, seen as being beneficial to the experience. Sounds good to me.

So, that’s being in the safe stress zone. We move out of overkill and yelling and screaming to hiding in under the bed or in a closet or wherever you can. So that you don’t have to handle stress. So, we’re going to work with that safe stress zone. It’s like, when you’re running and you get into the zone. It’s the same thing with stress, and you can do it, and now is the time to practice as best you can.

So, I’m getting as many tools and techniques as I can to help you with this, and obviously, using them myself. So, one that I have used and then I sort of forgot about, but I’m back with is the Pomodoro method and Francisco cruelly, oh developed this. And he must love pasta and pasta sauce, because there’s even a clock that he’s developed that looks like a tomato.

So, you can use that. You can use your phone. You can use whatever you can, but here’s what the suggestion is, and it’s a good one, and I’ve worked with it, and it really makes a difference. You set the clock, the timer. So that you work for 25 minutes. 25 minutes and then you take a break. Five-minute break. 10-minute break, whatever it is, and then you come back, and you work for 25 minutes, and in that way your mind can stay clear, because most of us are very much involved with our computers, and so many of us are working from home these days, and those of us who have been downsized or kind of put on hold for a while. The computer is a really, a good place for you to research and learn new things.

So, moving from distress to you stress, you stress. We need stress. It keeps us standing up or else we flop on the floor, and we couldn’t even walk around. So, it’s not you stress. It’s EU. It’s good stress, okay? Got that one. So, the Pomodoro method, look it up. It’s P-om-o-do-ro, and you can, I’m sure get one of the cute little tomato clocks, if you would like. If not, use whatever you have. So, I have one more, and it’s interesting, and I’ve been touting this for a long time, and these are actually reminders for me too. And it’s really about drinking water. It’s very interesting, and here’s the research from the University of East London, indicates this is important that water is the original athletic drink, and check in with any Olympian. And they will tell you, they drink a lot of water, a lot of water.

So, here’s what it says. It says that once thirst is relieved, the brain is left to focus on the task at hand, and even if you’re not conscious, you’re thirsty. Take a good swig, two, three, four. So, those are my tips for today, and I will be having my masterclass on limiting stress, and how to work with stress, and how to stay in that safe stress zone. So that you can continue going without really destroying any relationships or being upset with yourself or either being too mad or running away from a situation.

Have a productive day! We’re here for you and our coaches are ready to talk, if you like. So, contact me. I’m here for you too. We’re all in this together, and remember, no one wins unless we all do. So, we’re beginning to create a new kind of collective energy around all this.

So, have a positive day and have some, you stress no distress. Thanks so much.

See you soon.

Change, Growth, Managing Stress, Stress, Success

How to Move Out of Fear

Sylvia Lafair
April 7, 2020

I am getting the same questions over and over with the same request. “Hey, Dr. Sylvia, what advice do you have to move out of the fear that is rampant these days.”

Comments are so similar. From ones about wasting time to ones about poor sleep or gorging on junk food or drinking too much. Others are about arguing over anything no matter how trivial, to emotional distancing in relationships.

They all seem to boil down to looking fear in the eye and deciding what to do next.

Here is my response after some deep dives into my own pattern of facing fear over the years.

To all who read this: fear is like a family member who lingers too long, who sucks your energy, who can only live (kinda like a virus) with you as the host.

Fear makes us freeze at the sound of a sneeze
Fear makes us hoard toilet paper just in case.
Fear makes us stay glued to our phones to know what is going on.
Fear makes us binge on food, drink, Netflix.
Fear makes us discount anyone who disagrees with us.
Fear makes us feel alone, even when others are within reach.
Fear makes us feel guilty about not caring enough when others are worse off.
Fear makes us judge, blame, and attack so we can feel strong.

You can add to this list from your own experiences.

Here is what happens when you finally tell fear to take a hike. When you can say “Enough, get out, you are no longer welcome here. You are boring because your stories are all the same.”

When you can do a pattern interrupt.

What happens next?

We start to move.
We move our bodies by taking walks, doing yoga, or jogging in place
We move our minds by reading, yes reading books that have been gathering dust.
We move our emotions by reaching out to family, friends, neighbors.
We move our desire to always be right by checking for facts.
We move away from the refrigerator knowing we’re not all that hungry.
We move into times of silence, just because it feels good.
We move to show compassion to those who are held down by limiting beliefs.
We move to find new skills that were dormant inside of us.
We move to ask for help when we forget to move.

And here is what happens then:

We step out of the box.
We step into possibilities we never thought existed.
We being to live and love and care and dance and sing in ways that never seemed possible.

And what happens then?

We grow. We grow. We grow.

And, after the fear loses its power and all the efforts to move take hold, what happens then?

We finally can make a difference in ways that amaze and satisfy.

Keep going and keep growing.

Managing Stress, Stress

How to Handle Stress in Difficult Times

Sylvia Lafair
April 3, 2020
how to handle stress, managing stress, Stress, stress management

Hi everyone!

Well, here we are at home and I’ve been doing a survey, and the survey has been asking how people are coping and looking at coping mechanisms, and it’s been very interesting because they fall into kind of specific categories.

Some are into the eating and binge eating, and for me, it’s chocolate and even ice cream, and I remember as a kid, when I would be in a bad mood, my mother would say, “Oh, sit down and have some chocolate, ice cream and you’ll feel better.” So, even now, when I’m in whatever state, I’m in my mind says, “Chocolate, ice cream will make you feel better, and a hot fudge sundae will make you feel even better,” and they saw other side of that, is I don’t think so.

A little too much of anything going to the extreme is toxic. The latest I heard is, people bringing on Tiger King, the Netflix series and wondering what’s next after that, and so people are doing what they need to do, and it’s about finding comfort and safety.

I’m really feeling pretty good about yourself in that way, except it’s short term. It’s not long lasting. So, coping often leads to indulging and indulging is not a good thing.

So, the question is, how do we counteract indulging? Well, I’d like to tell a little story that comes from the Cherokee to Cherokee legend, and it’s the story as when kids were little, they would sit with the grandfather or the tribal elder, and they would ask, how do we know? What’s good and what’s not good? And the response would be, there are two wolves and they’re always fighting, and one wolf is the wolf of darkness, and despair. The other wolf is the one of light and hope.So, the kids would say, “Which one wins?” And the grandfather, the elder would say, “The one you feed.”

So, I’d like you to think about that as we go through the next days and weeks and perhaps months, that we are all sharing together right now.

Here’s the thing, what do we feed physically? What do we feed emotionally? What do we feed mentally? And I said, I would today have two emotional exercises to give you some emotional strength. You know, we always feel better when we’re doing something, and we learn it, and we can feel it easily in us. So, that we can do better. So, here are the two exercises: One, is the 77077 exercise. Now, everybody can remember the numbers up to seven, and it’s a breathing exercise and it helps you get more oxygen in your system, and will calm you down.

So, before you say something you might regret, you can do this anywhere. Just go into a quiet place. Go into the the bathroom, and if you need to lock the door, seven, seven, seven, seven, and here’s how it goes:

You breathe in to the count of seven through your nose. Breathe in, hold to the count of seven. Breathe out through your mouth to the count of seven, and then, what we say is, hold empty to the count of seven, seven times and use your fingers to remember it. So, one full section is breathe in, hold, breathe out, hold, and after you’ve done that seven times, I promise you, when you open your eyes and look around, things will begin to look brighter because you’ve put more oxygen in your body. You’ve also taken a pause, which is really important.

So, do that whenever you’re in a place of saying, “I’m going to say something that I might regret. Remember the two wolves. One is about, let me get the exact words I had written down about this, because I’m writing about this
– where is it? One wolf is about anger, and resentment, and intimidation, and upset, and fear, and the other wolf is about empathy, and caring, and creativity, and planning. So, think about it. Which wolf do you want to feed?

So, exercise number one, will give you the space to make the decision. Now, the next exercise is ten seconds, and you do it every hour. Ten seconds, can you take ten seconds out of an hour? It’s out of sixty minutes. Ten seconds and here’s what you do in ten seconds. I would set something on your computer, or your phone, or if you’re still wearing a watch these days, on your watch, ten seconds. Whatever you’re doing, stop and look at something. Look at something. Look at here. I have a some interesting scissors that I keep here. If I have to cut through a piece of paper but you just sit, and you look at it. Look at it. Pay attention to it. Look at the creativity that went into making it.Whatever it is that you have, just look at it. That’s all you have to do. Take something different each hour. Look at a pen, if you still have pens. Everybody still has a pen. Look at, you know, I have it here because I’m going to ask for a walk after this. A pair of sunglasses and look it’s Paris. Unless it has one of my peace of mind, arrow on it. Oh well, look at it. Just look at it. Look at the creativity. Look at the design. Think of the people who put these things together. That’s all you have to do.

Those are two important exercises. They will begin to feed. Next week, I’m going to talk about the survival brain and the creative brain, and it’s information that I think is really valuable. You can use it at work. You can use it at home, but first you have to start and use it for yourself. Now, I know we’re going through tough times or maybe it’s complex times, and we’re going into an area that seems unknown. So, taking those breaths and stopping to just put your mind on something very specific. If you’d like to meditate, do that. That’s great, but if that’s too much for you, where you get to get drowsy from it, do the ten-second. I call it a 10-second meditation, and do it as many hours as you possibly can.

So, ’til next time and anybody, if you want to call or email me or text me, let me know how you’re doing and we will get through this together. Thank you so much.

Business, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Managing Stress, Stress

What are your usual coping mechanisms?

Sylvia Lafair
April 1, 2020

I did a survey asking the following question: What are your usual coping mechanisms?

Take a minute and answer it for yourself.

The responses I received went from “Eating junk food” to “Playing games online” to “Binge-watching “Tiger King” to “Mixing a batch of martinis” and on and on.

Most responses were about indulging in one way or another. Indulge means to participate in an activity that is undesirable or disapproved of and doing it much too often.

I hear you saying “Just zip it and no preaching, please. Not now. Not when I must adjust to life changes that I didn’t choose. I just want some comfort. Is that so bad?”

Nope, not bad at all.

Although, maybe, just maybe, there are more positive ways to spend your time.

We retreat to indulgences when we feel threatened and want to run to a safe, familiar place for our own survival.

That brings me to a Cherokee legend that we all need to think about. You see, when crises and change are upon us, we have choices.

There are two wolves and they are always fighting.

One is darkness and despair, the other light and hope.

Which one wins?

The one you feed!

Listen closely and you can hear LIFE requesting you to use the reset button. Right here and right now. Requesting you think differently, change your habits. Stop indulging.

Here’s a way to think about which wolf you are feeding right here and right now and what you can do differently.

There is the survival brain. And there is the creative brain.

The survival brain is vital for safety. Its goal is to keep you out of harm’s way. It is in the brain stem and the limbic system. A Key player is the amygdala (what I have named Amy Hijack). It’s responsible for detecting fear and preparing for emergency events. It then sends a message of “danger here” to the hypothalamus to trigger a fight or flight response.

The emotions in the survival brain include anxiety, anger, disappointment, shame, revenge, regret, and blame.

Many of us live there most of the time.

The creative brain is in the frontal cortex, hippocampus, basal ganglia and white matter.

The emotions here include curiosity, peacefulness, empathy, joy, calmness, ability to plan, joy and gratitude.

OKAY.

Which area of the brain do you want to feed?

Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuropsychologist said it best. Known as Hebb’s law: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” And that means, with enough repetitions, your thoughts and behaviors become ingrained patterns.

Now, that’s a game-changer.

What does this mean to you? Yes, you. You going through changing times that require you to adapt and adjust?

It means in a short sentence, “The more we move away from fear and defeat and move toward curiosity and exploration, the more we feed the creative brain.”

Which part of your brain do you want to feed right now?

Keep an eye out for my brand new masterclass “How to Practice Safe Stress During Times of Distress” and learn the mental/emotional exercises to feed the part of your brain that will support better health and more success.

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