ceoptionsceoptions
Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

I’m Not Pattern Blind

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I’ve heard you talk about “Pattern Blindness” in the same sentence as “Speaking the Unspeakable.” Can you say more, please? 

Here is my issue. I am beyond frustrated and stressed with my boss who is always saying the same things over and over. He loves to talk about himself and brag about all his successes. 

And yes, the business is a success and I am well paid.

However, he’s definitely blind to his patterns.

Then when there is a problem it gets blamed on the first person who is in view.

Sadly, that is me, the guy who does most of the work and gets all the calls late at night.

I guess we play into each other’s patterns because I have not ever, and that means in 6 years, ever spoken the unspeakable (that when he starts the blame game, he drives me nuts and I keep thinking I will quit this damn job and never talk with him again).

I just smile, stuff my upset, and fix his messes.

I guess I’m not pattern blind, since I see what I am doing.

What do I need to learn to do to “speak the unspeakable?” 

Signed,

Need HELP

 

Dear Need HELP,

Glad you can see the issue at hand. Here are some thoughts about what really matters in leadership development and executive education.

Becoming Pattern Aware is important and is relatively easy to learn. Just take the Leadership Quiz to see where you have behaviors that need to change. Here is a link to the quiz.

Learning to “speak the unspeakable” is probably the most complex issue of working together and one of the most vital parts of emotional intelligence. 

When we were little kids, we had to be trained OUT of saying exactly what we saw, heard, or felt.

If you thought your uncle looked funny with his shiny bald head (before it became fashionable) and you pointed and laughed, most likely you were shushed and told that was not polite. 

Or when your mom was looking sad and you asked, “What’s the matter?” and you were told, “Oh nothing, and don’t ask again.” Yet, you saw her wiping tears when she thought no one was looking. And you asked again and heard “I’m FINE!” and like most kids, you decided to stuff your feelings and play the family game of “Let’s Pretend.”

I think that social media is giving many folks an outlet for speaking the unspeakable. However, they are still usually NOT talking directly to the one who is driving them crazy. 

Question: What do you say to your boss?

Here is a suggestion. Tell him how you are feeling. Do not, I repeat, do not tell him what a “pattern blind” jerk he is. 

Here are some thoughts that may help. 

“I really respect your success (you said he brags about successes, so start there) and I am glad we work so well together most of the time and the business is so successful. (and that is your truth).

However, my nature is to say “yes” whenever you need extra help and sometimes, I really want to say, “not now” and I really have to get better at speaking my truth. 

 

So, when I do speak the truth to you and if it is upsetting, let’s talk about it. Cause right now I’m looking at how to make relationships at work be the best they can be and my relationship with you really matters.”

 

Put this into your own words, this is just to give you some direction on how to communicate.

To your success,

Sylvia

P.S. You will get even more tips and tools from watching this masterclass about how to practice safe stress in tough times. It’s about what you need to do to make your life less stressful and chaotic and calmer.

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Behavior Patterns
Conflict Resolutions, Growth, Patterns

Letting Go of Behavior Patterns That We Developed During Childhood

Hi everyone!

I hope you’re having a glorious day even though everything seems overwhelmed and rushed, and we can’t move fast enough, and we can’t please everybody but nonetheless we just keep persevering, right? Except, sometimes we feel submissive compliant filled with self-doubt, create self-sabotage.

Those days, everybody does it and what happens is, it gets worse and worse during holidays and celebrations, because we have these mental images about the way things should be, and when the moments of life come in, and we can’t get everything done the way we want.

Well, we do a couple of things: one is, many of us go into the victim mode. It’s my fault, I can’t do it right, it’s not good enough, it’s never good enough.

So, what do we do about all this?

If you feel overwhelmed and have a lot of self-doubt, I have three suggestions for you now.

This is only the beginning, because what happens is, a lot of this started when we were kids, and you couldn’t meet your parents expectations or your teachers expectations or even your friends expectations.

So, you began to say something wrong with me. We don’t put it out there. We say, there’s something wrong with me. So, if you were judged as a kid, it shows up in these moments of overwhelm as a grownup.

What to do about it?

Well, number one is, stop complaining but life is unfair. It’s not meant to be fair. It’s not here to coddle you. It’s here to challenge you, and it’s here to help you grow an experience.

So, if life is unfair and you feel you’re judged, stop complaining and look for solutions. It’s interesting because the victim in the patterns that I work with, becomes the bluer and here’s where I learned about this. In the native cultures when you go before the tribe, the tribunal, if you will and you have a problem and you’re upset about something, they will not listen unless you come in with three, one, two, three solutions. Three different solutions to the problem.

So that’s one of the things you can do now. Stop complaining and look for solutions.

Good idea takes a little time. Sit quietly and do it.

The next thing you need to do, whoops… I have to look at my notes for a minute… is, stop saying it’s all my fault. Sure, some of, it’s your fault. That’s fine. Some of, it’s everybody’s fault, but it’s not all your fault. So, what you need to do is, be accountable for your poet in it. Speak it. Say it. Bring it out. Don’t sit with it. Don’t put the pillow over your head and begin to whine and moan.

Simply acknowledge. Yep, this is the part I played. This is what I’m doing and the third thing, which I’ve said over and over is, please remember to prioritize and in prioritizing, know that this
sentence has helped so many people including me.

Remember, no is a complete sentence. You can say no. You don’t have to defend, explain or justify. You simply say no. I can’t do this right now. No, I have to fill in the blank. I have to go take a bath. I have to go get my hair done. I have to go read a book.
I have to go sit quietly and have a cup of tea whatever it is, but if you follow these three rules and really begin to let them sink in, they will begin to change the patterns and the way your brain processes things, and your mindset will begin to change.

So, have beautiful times at all holidays and all celebrations and remember things do escalate them. So, take a deep breath and find a way to have fun with it and have a beautiful rest of the day.

Thank you so much.

Oh wait a minute. Before I go, one more thing as a gift to yourself for this holiday time, why don’t you consider getting. Don’t bring it to work. I have all the 13 patterns in there that you can look at in detail to see where each one came from. We’re talking about the victim right now, but there’s also the martyr. There’s also the bully, the procrastinator.

They’re all these patterns that we’ve developed, that we need to let go of. So, a gift to yourself or someone else. Don’t bring it to work.

Thank you so much. Happy days.

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Thanksgiving Dinner Game
Growth, Patterns

Thanksgiving Dinner Game

There’s a great game…

Whoops! All right, I got it all set now.

There’s a great game that you can play at Thanksgiving dinner. It’s called, “Connect the dots.” So, here’s how it works: Sit there and as you listen to people, think about who do they remind you of… there’s your uncle sitting there. Bragging about how wonderful he is, how great he is and you think to yourself, got that sounds just like my boss at work. He’s always telling us how wonderful he is and how he does everything better than anybody else, and then you look over, and there’s your sister who’s sitting there, sulking and whining and complaining that nobody ever pays attention to her, and boy you remember that, from all the years you were growing up, and how she was jealous of you, and you think about the woman at work, who sits in the desk next to yours is who’s always complaining and whining and saying everybody’s better than she is.

Well, I want you to begin to see that patterns that you learned in your original organization. The family show up in your present organization at work and the Thanksgiving dinner table sitting there. It’s very similar to being at a conference table at work, and once you get that connection, once you connect those dots, you are in a great position to grow and learn and be promoted, and be able to be more helpful to yourself and everybody else, and Thanksgiving is a perfect time for that, because you’re held captive for a certain number of hours. Even if everybody wants to run and watch football, you’re still sitting at the dinner table at one point, and it really is like the conference table.

So, pay attention and see your behavior in this. Connect your dots. Are you an avoider who likes to sit back and kind of just observe and not be part of it? Are you the super achiever who’s always saying, “Me, me, me? I’m the best improving it.” Are you the procrastinator who says,”Oh, I’m so sorry, I meant to bring the pie or the stuffing or whatever and I feel terrible about it, but I just didn’t have the time,” which is always nonsense, but that’s what procrastinators do. Are you the rebel who no matter what somebody says, you always want to say something different and prove a point and start an argument?

Pay attention, because the patterns we learned in our original organization will always show up ’til we learn how to transform them. In my book, “Don’t Bring It to Work”, breaking the family patterns that limit success, I talked about the Thanksgiving being an incredible time to really learn about yourself. Relationships are probably the best teacher on the planet, and it’s time to grow and become even a better part of who you are. Kind of stand on your own shoulders, and Thanksgiving is a great time to do that.

So, let me know what the pattern is that showed up for you at work or the patterns of some of the other people there, and the other thing I’d like you to suggest to you, is to be able to ask questions, and I’m going to give you the words that really help open up a conversation. Say, “I’m curious or I wonder.” Those two words, I’m curious or I wonder, and then putting in the rest of the sentence makes a difference. People want to be heard they
want to be appreciated, and you’d be surprised how much it means to them to listen to you and begin to respond.

So, use Thanksgiving as a great time to grow and become the best you can be.

So, enjoy it, whether you’re eating turkey or tofu or our favorite, which is now cauliflower, anything and have a great time and enjoy the day.

Thank you for your time. Go for it.

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Telling the Truth without Spilling Your Guts
Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership

Telling the Truth without Spilling Your Guts

Today, is about telling the truth without spilling your guts. So, let me tell you how this came about even that sentence I used to teach way back in the day telling the truth makes sense. We’re better when we tell the truths. We have less to remember. We have more credibility and we can sleep at night. Sounds good to me. So, I was at a meeting, facilitating a meeting with a group and a newly minted leader of the group and they were doing best practices and one of the things that happened was, somebody said, “Well, I have an idea.” And he said, “Whatever his idea was…” and this newly minted woman, who was in charge, who had been through some of my trainings said to him, “I don’t agree with you. I really think what you said is kind of stupid and furthermore, you know your ideas always seem to create more havoc than they do positive things to happen.”

Well, what do you think happened? The room got super silent and people literally started to slide under the conference table that we were sitting at, thinking I’m not going to open my mouth and say a word, and so, I did what is very clever for any facilitator out there or any leader. I said, “Why don’t we just take a quick break. We did, and I took this gal Diana, and I said, “Would you come in this other room with me?” And we walked in a room, and I closed the door and I said, “What were you thinking?” And she looked at me. Kind of like wide-eyed and she said, “But Sylvia, you teach to tell the truth.” And all of a sudden I took a deep breath and I thought at the end of that sentence has to be taught every time from here on, and that’s not about spilling your guts. Telling the truth is such a disciplined art form.

Truth sentences are short. They come from here, and here you have to connect them. You tell the truth from here. You get anger. You tell the truth from here. Without this and you get mush. They’re not strong enough. So, it’s the connection of heart and mind in telling the truth.

So, I’ve been asked a lot of questions about this, and one of them is, which words matter most. So, I’m going to give you what I think makes the biggest difference, and that is when you’re telling someone the truth, and you have finished your short sentence. It’s not a run-on sentence. It’s not a paragraph. I was really upset when that happened and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. That’s a short sentence.

The next one, the next words are the key ones, and now I’d like to hear from you because unless you create the dialogue, unless you create the connection, the truth will go the way it did. When we were little kids, and got yelled at, and we went and hid in a corner or wet now bedroom are walked outside, and thought, they don’t really know me. Most of us did that as kids.

So, here we go.

Telling the truth is not spilling your guts after you said it. You respond with, and now I’d like to hear from you, and the next one is, why is less always better than more, because once you begin to tell the truth, and you start to go on and on. What happens is, you lose the thread of the core of what you really wanted to say.

I’m going to give you an example. I’m working with a family business and two brothers who are arguing all the time, and one of them finally went to the other, and said,”Can we have some coffee? Can we just talk?” And he actually brought two containers of really good Starbucks coffee, and they sat down and the other brother surprised said, “Thanks for the coffee.” It was called a pattern interrupt. They didn’t do that very often, and the first brother said, “I really don’t know you very well, and we’re related and it makes me sad.” Those words had never been uttered from his mouth before. “I don’t know you very well.”

So, that’s all he said and he said. I wonder these are good words, wandering, curious are really good words to use. Also, when you’re talking about truth-telling, I wonder what your thoughts are about that. How do you feel about how we relate as brothers. The other brother looked at him and said, “Well, that’s never been said before.” And the first brother said, “I know, that’s why I said it.” And then he said those magic words, and now I’d like to hear from you.

The third is, how to find a best way to collaborate. Here’s another good sentence for truth-telling.

Now, it has to be this connection or at mind. Remember that, mind without heart is cruel and heart without mind is weak. It’s the combination that makes the difference, and the third is, it means a lot to me.

These are very simple sentences, but man, I’ll tell you or lady or woman or whoever they go in to the other person, and as we’re talking, and the truth is coming out, and you say, it means a lot to me. Finish the sentence. It means a lot to me that you’re sitting here and not leaving in anger. It means a lot to me that we’re finally getting a chance to talk. It means a lot to me.

So, that’s it for the today, and as we look around the world, right now, we are starving for truth. We’re starving for what’s real, we’re starving for integrity.

I’m waiting for Tom Hanks and Mr. Rodgers to show up around Christmas time, because I think that’s going to make a difference for us.

So, practice telling the truth without spilling your guts and have a beautiful rest of the day, and thank you for your time, and listening to this and watching it.

Thank you so much.

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Why being a clown just doesn't work
Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

Why being a clown just doesn’t work

What happens at work when meetings get tense?

Does the team leader call for a break? Is there simply a deafening silence for a few minutes and then you just keep plodding on, ignoring the elephant in the room? Or does someone jump in with a joke, hoping to warm the frigid emotions?

Let me share a story that happened a few weeks ago at a meeting that perfectly illustrates the clown pattern at play.

After you read about how the tension was relieved, think about how you would have handled being in charge.

Here’s the scene: Dan, a jovial marketing expert, was known for his wit. He often jumped in when two or three individuals were throwing verbal darts at each other. This particular day, one of the strong and very opinionated women was under attack.

Dan waited till there was a short silence and said “Hey, you guys, this tension reminds me of a story I heard about a woman who killed her husband. Not just killed, she chopped him into pieces. The note in the house entry was that she had had enough. He never listened and for the umptenth time she told him NOT to walk on the newly washed hallway and kitchen floors and, well, he ignored her once too often.

The police arrived at the house and called into headquarters. We’re ready to look for the culprit. Response from headquarters, “What are you waiting for?” Response from police on site “We’re waiting for the floors to dry.”

What do you think was the reaction from the team of ten?

Meet Dan, a perfect example of the clown pattern.

Sometimes humor is the best way to drive a point home. It can communicate ideas that are serious in a lighthearted way. My question to you is, “How was Dan’s timing?”

The answer. The guys on the team laughed. The gals were furious. Instead of moving forward this team had to take a break and meet several days later when tempers cooled. Dan was asked by the VP to please, please not make any more jokes like the one from the other day.

The major work for those who have the clown pattern is to become a humorist.

Watch the video below and find out the best way to give effective feedback to those “Clowns” when they show up

The difference is all in the timing.

In my book “Don’t Bring It To Work” on pages 141-142 you can learn about how Mark Twain became a great model of how to use humor in difficult situations.

Let me know if you have any great jokes that can help lower the tension in meetings.

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Harvey Weinstein in Cannes
Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

How Harvey Weinstein and His Fellow Abusers Came Into Power

What if we decide to move past the natural temptation to blame and decide instead to seek deeper understanding of how so many men could use power to get what they want (or think they want)?

This is a plea for all the GUTSY WOMEN and GALLANT MEN to help make the changes in our society that will lead to a more honest gender-balanced form of working and living together.

First, let’s take a trip back in time with this question in mind: How did all the Harvey Weinstein’s of the world get their power?

Here’s a brief look at the contributing factors from the past, the patterns, as I like to say, that developed and stay with us even now.

Time travel with me to the 17th Century, the time of Galileo and Newton. That’s when the picture of reality changed, and it changed all of us.

Let me explain: this is the time that man became in charge of the material world and the modern era was launched. The key areas include the scientific method, unlimited material progress, industrialization and pragmatic values.

In the words of author and philosopher Lewis Mumford, “Unbounded power was harnessed to equally unbounded appetites.”

I’m not making this a history lesson, however, so often we forget to go back to see the origins of why we do what we do in the present time. Generational patterns are at play and a full understanding helps to make real and sustainable change possible.

Did you know that in agricultural societies there were often female leaders and these societies were more egalitarian, democratic and peaceful? As industrialization began to flourish and male values of power and money became the underlying theme of success women were often seen as secondary citizens.

When we are programmed from birth to be seen as “less than” we become intimidated. We learn to please and be quiet. To become martyrs who think of ourselves last and deny what we really see before us.

It’s a matter of survival.

In my book GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change you are taken from the stories that were there for you to hear as a child and became embedded into your belief system to now.

Change is in the air.

While I am saddened by Harvey Weinstein’s story as well as so many others that are now coming forward, I am encouraged that women will no longer smile and ignore. The PLEASER of the past becomes the TRUTH TELLER of today.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about how you see CHANGE happening in the workplace towards a more gender balance of power.

 

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Free to Be You and Me…Are We There Yet?
Growth, Leadership, Patterns

Free to Be You and Me…Are We There Yet?

Way back, almost 45 years ago, there was a record album (yes, that’s what we had back then) for kids.  It was the brainchild of actress Marlo Thomas.  A gift, so she thought, for her niece who was 4 years old and exploring what it meant to be a little girl.

Helping one person became a cultural phenomenon.

Marlo, frustrated because of all the gender specific books that had boys as pilots and girls as stewardesses, and so on, began the project of putting together songs that gave kids the novel idea they could be whatever they wanted.

Girls can grow up to be mommies and doctors; boys can play with dolls.

Children, at home and in school, were encouraged to think of themselves as unique and create their own amazing stories to tell.

How far have we come?

It’s better – yet, we still have a long way to go.

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Happy Father's Day Blog
Conflict Resolutions, Growth, Leadership, Patterns

Father’s Day Gift Suggestions (Hint: Not a Necktie!)

 

Every Father’s Day, I bet just about everyone thinks about their dad. Some with warm feelings, others with hurt and anger, others wondering who the man is, or where he is.

My story is a tough one to discuss; however, over the years, I’ve learned that talking is better than ignoring and stuffing things way down under.

You see, I killed my father.

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power word
Coaching, Conflict Resolutions, Growth, Patterns

The Power of Shifting (Make Sure You Hear That Word Clearly)

 

Funny story: I was working on getting my negative thinking under control and asked someone to help me.  You see, it’s hard to do anything totally alone and I know the power of relationships can make a tremendous difference.

I found my power person to help and I found my power word.

I asked my dearest, best friend, who also happens to be my husband, to support me in this not-so-easy task of changing outdated behavior patterns.  I asked him to simply say my power word whenever he caught me reverting to the victim behavior, that I must say, I really can get into sometimes.

I asked Herb to use my power word to remind me to stop my blaming, judging or attacking another and find a more positive way to handle my upset.  I want to give up the “poor me” and “life’s not fair” attitude.

Now, I don’t go there often; however, I want to have this behind me totally.

I teach others to be better leaders and to stop whining and get going.  Yet, there are times when my old survival responses seem to take over and I sound lame and ineffective.

Herb and I made the agreement.  He would use my power word, and nothing more, when I would start up with a sob story.

So, one afternoon, someone who had promised to complete a project for me, called with tons of excuses.  It was going to set me back several weeks and that meant promises I made to others would get caught in the back water.

I was pissed.

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Restless Patterns
Business and Life Patterns, Coaching, Leadership, Patterns

Restless Patterns

By Frank Walsh | CEOptions Certified Pattern Breakthrough Coach

It’s not you, it’s me… Well it’s also you, but with some guidance I have seen how the patterns of my past influenced our relationship.

I started to feel it in my mid 40’s. Things were different. I had evolved, you had changed. You didn’t make me happy anymore and I started to hate you for it. Still, we had been through a lot, so I didn’t want to quit. I felt I could fix things. I believed you had so much to learn from me if you would just accept it.

By 50 it was all over except the tears. I only saw you as irrational, controlling and heartless. But I know you were just doing what comes naturally, and I was playing my roll of the Rebel. I couldn’t fix you, so I would watch you destroy yourself with smug satisfaction, except that it wasn’t satisfying, it was saddening.

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